On the job.

I think I've once said that I love the fact that I didn't call my work as "work"..
A job that I wouldn't call a "job".
I suppose I need to take it back, now.

I never minded working on holidays or the weekends, but I now find myself irked by it.
If I am forced to be working on ground, why am I deprived of lazing in the weekends? Right?

I know that I've been complaining a lot. To be honest, I am just bored.. I am simply demotivated to wake up everyday.. put on my uniform.. making my way to work, but really going nowhere. I feel stuck.

Encem did his last flight yesterday.. I saw his name on the "Resigned list" at the office and couldn't help myself feeling sad about it. It's like an end of an era of some sorts.
The gang started out with 6; one got married and had a baby.. one left for medical reasons.. and Encem left because he was.. bored? Frustrated..? I don't know..
I honestly don't know how to answer to people's questions about him.
Sure, he's my boy.. but I don't feel right to say anything about his life. I don't know, maybe we are an odd sort of couple.

Anyway, then there's three.. Mumu, Bestie and I..
Mumu's married, so at least there's some kind of a progress there. So now there's just us two, Bestie!
What are we going to do with our lives...?

Oh well.. that sounds like something to think deeply about.. In someplace awaaay from the workplace! Definitely not from the spot where I am right now. hehe.
An ex of mine tied the knot today. One is engaged, now one is married.. Good thing I only have four ex-es. And good thing that I have no idea about the other two of them. This is as stagnant as I'm willing to be!

I'm looking forward to my holiday with Dida! Just two days away.. I'm excited!
Now.. two and a half hours to go before I get to go home!

First day of Eid.

27-years old, and today was the first time that I had to spend the first of Syawal away from home.
I wish I was in someplace new and exciting but no, I had to work at the lounge from seven 'til four! It's sad...
What's sadder is that I'll be working on the same hours tomorrow.

I'm really not crazy about my life right now. My feet hurts, my mind's wary for getting shitty sleep at night. I've been getting less than 3 hours of sleep for the past couple of nights, and I don't know why. I just can't seem to get my eyes shut.

The only awesome thing about anything is the bit where my family packed me a HUGE feast of Raya-food the previous night for me to enjoy here.
I feel like a kid for being spoiled this way..
Sadly, I am simply too tired now to heat them up and no one is around to enjoy it with/for me.

Anyway, I thank God for my family..
Thank God that time and time again I am forgiven for my faults and sins; that my family takes my crap, yet still loves me.
I probably don't deserve any of it, but thank God!

Alhamdulillah...

And as for you readers, I pray that you'll have a good Syawal.. I apologize for my tactlessness in my entries and all those vulgar words I threw in every chance that I get..
Selamat Hari Raya!

Heart-headache.

I chose a song from the playlist in the player..
It wasn't something that I've heard before. It was slow, jazzy and sounded romantic. Intimate.
I walked towards the bedroom, the door was slightly ajar.
I peeked through and saw the back of a plump woman with long wavy hair getting out of bed, wearing an oversized shirt and nothing else.
I moved to my right to see the rest of the bedroom and met with a disappointment as I saw him in bed topless, the crumpled bedsheet covering his privates. A smile stretched across his face as he looked on to the woman who was moving about the room.

I was invisible to them. He was oblivious of me standing there, staring, gaping...
Screaming inside.

...aaand that was my cue to wake up!

I call this, "Mimpi yang sangat babi".
Of course when I told Encem about it he assured me that it was just a dream.
Sure sure.. it was a dream. Doesn't mean that I could just forget about it. The emotions were real. Or at least felt SO real to me. I was so confused.. still is, to be truth. And upset. Mostly because I don't know how to let it go. And knowing that it isn't really Encem's fault to begin with.

Just a day after I told Bestie that I haven't had a dream in a while; at least none that I could remember to talk about in the morning...
THIS!
After months, probably.. I had to dream about THIS! Of Encem's infidelity.
grrrrr...

Though it was just a dream.. I am still disappointed. So disappointed that I don't feel like smiling or even try to laugh about it.
I think I've told Encem plenty of times before to always be honest with me. Even if honesty is going to hurt me. That if he ever got bored of me, he should say it to me first before going out to find other sources of entertainment.

Perhaps I should remind him this.

Anyway, I know for a fact that I've been feeling lonely lately. Work's been all too consuming that we mostly spend our free time sleeping.
I honestly need a good, long vacation. And a conversation that is worth my time.

Short breaks and distractions just doesn't cut it anymore.

Bak pungguk rindukan bulan..

I'm on my flying week!
Wooooohoooooo!!!
I cannot tell you how good it is to be flying again. I needed my dose of the aerial view of the world oh-so badly!!
Not too keen that the weather's been hazy, but I'll take whatever that I can get!

It's so gooood to be going somewhere again. To talk about travelling.. Evening plans, be it only in Kuching.. Vent as much as I want about my days in the lounge.. Hear others vent about their flights not having enough crew.. Joke about passengers.. Everything!
I've missed it all..

I absolutely love that I flew with friends today.. Bumped into (walked by at the corner of a small hallway, really) my favourite leading in the morning; I gasped out of surprise -- should've at least said hi -- he responded with a chuckle.. Thanks!
I've come to terms that I might actually, honestly, have a little crush on him. Teehee!

I really hope that I could fly full-time again soon.. Before I get too tired of it all.
I'm tired that I have no time for anything while I'm working at the lounge. Freakin' forty two hours a week is just mad!! Freakin' forty two hours a week for three bloody weeks in a month is just fucked up, I tell you!
We are a damn fine bunch of flight attendants and the company had clipped our wings. Just thinking about it gets me all worked up.

Friends are leaving for the 'other' airline. Can't say that I'm unaffected. My only reason for staying now is my sheer refusal to join THAT airline.
I still want to fly..
I still want to travel..
I still want to find things I could laugh about in random people..
Sigh.

I'd hate to seem disloyal, but I need to find my happy place again.

The last straw.

"I poured my heart out into an empty coffee cup, you drank it up and left me here to drown, alone.."
Dumb Like That by Vroom.

Apalah aku nak buat nieee...

I'm in a horrible rut.
In a dire need of change. A huge need to do something that I'm contemplating to shave my head. ha-ha!
Feels like I always go to bed in a bad mood.
Severely unhappy. And hopeless. And hateful.

I deserve so much more than this.

Tekanan Perasaan.

Dah start keje "baru" dua hari..

Although dalam kepala takde laa rasa letih sangat, emosi terasa kurang stabil.

Tanda tanda keletihan yang menyusup dalam diam.

Also the fact that I'm surrounded by mangkuk hayun.

First day on the job aku dah dapat name card seorang pakcik (of course!) yang janji nak bawak aku jalan kalau aku ke Canton.

Aku pun tatau kenapa jejaka yang muda mudi tak pernah nak ajak aku berbual.

At the same time, aku tahu exactly kenapa aku layan pakcik pakcik ni..

As for this pakcik, aku respect the fact that he's 70 years old, but could easily pass as early 50's. Chinese, six-footer, travelled the world, family around the continent, still very much in love with his wife after forty years of marriage.

Dia nasihatkan aku untuk enjoy life, jangan cepat sangat settle down. Sama je macam Papa cakap kat aku dulu dulu time aku baru nak start menggatal.

Boleh tahan lama aku layan pakcik ni, bebudak lain lalu lalang dok tengook je aku. But I can't help myself when somebody shares their philosophy with me. Pakcik ni dok pegang the same cracker with cheese entah berapa lama sebab asyik sangat berbual.

Pakcik ni pesan kat aku, bila nak cari pasangan, cari somebody yang sama 70% dengan aku..

Perbedaan yang terlalu besar akan create jurang in time. As time passes, your interests may change so the percentage pun akan berubah. Kebarangkalian untuk that percentage menurun adalah lebih tinggi, so kalau turun jadi 60%.. still okaylah -- bak kata dia. Kelakar juga bila fikir yang dia masukkan unsur matematik dalam mencari pasangan, but to me it made total sense.

He's been happily married for forty years, after all.

Dia still buy presents for his wife. Flowers and chocolates, just because. And while he was saying all this, he had this look that convinced me that he was speaking the truth.

I couldn't hide my surprise so he said;

Marriage is not an institution, it's an extension of the courtship..

..and at that time mata aku start berair.

Betapa skeptical nya aku selama ni sampai a simple line buat aku tersentuh.

Memang wujud rupanya orang macam ni.

Mungkin aku tersentuh sebab aku tahu memang itu lah yang aku carik.

40 years of marriage.. And choosing to be in it, every single day.

Aku mengaku aku tak jumpa lagi. And now mata aku berair lagi, sebab aku tahu what that exactly means..

These days aku rasa macam aku slowly letting go of life. I am not the captain of my life any longer. Sama macam keje aku.

Bila orang tanya aku nak stay ke walaupun kene buat keje merepek ni, jawapan aku senantiasa "stay dulu.. for now."

I wish I had a different answer. One that is more certain. I wish I am more certain of what I really want in life. I want to choose to live every single day. But my general view of life now is just.. "whatever.."

It's probably been half a decade since I first made the wish but up to this day, I still find myself longing for "happiness".

I'm jealous of that pakcik. I'm tearing up out of jealousy. Sure, I never knew what he'd gone through to get to this part of his life. Where he talks about his family with such affection and fondness. Tapi aku nak itu, please.

I want to stop the longing.

I want to be proud of myself.

I want to stop questioning about my choices in life every other day.

I want to stop wishing for a partial amnesia.

I don't want to end up regretting this past few years in the future.

Most of all, aku tak nak lagi tetiba nangis denga lagu Enrique Iglesias.. of all people!

Aurora..

Of all the things that I read about the shooting..
One fact stuck in my mind;

The shooter's birthday was 13th December..

I pointed this out to Papa, told him to watch his back and he responded;
"..but the shooting is at a cinema..."

When I pointed that to Dida, she said;
"He's a guy.. (Sagittarius) guys are different."

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHA!!
I love my family for that.

Dead Hearts.

I'd been secretly asking for a change.
But this isn't exactly what I had in mind. People say to be careful of what you wish for -- and I know, this had never been my wish. It isn't mine, and I shall not blame myself for it.

I haven't even started my new job and I am not at all looking forward to it. All the stories I've heard, seeing Encem plopped onto the sofa the second he gets home.. Bestie feeling all low..
I don't see how I could start with a single positive thought in my mind.

I am demotivated, demoralized and definitely deteriorating.
I'm simply not in love.

Except the fact that I'm having some sort of a get-away at the moment, being in Shah Alam. Seeing Dida and the parents everyday makes me feel like the troubles at the workplace is somewhat a distant memory. This, I love. I am safe here.. for now.

I can say it, but you won't you believe me.
You say you do, but you don't deceive me.
It's hard to know they're out there,
It's hard to know that you still care.
I can say it, but you won't you believe me.
You say you do, but you don't deceive me.
Dead hearts are everywhere!
--Stars

I'm trying..

It's days like these when I find myself trying.. struggling, to cast away the spoiled brat in me.

Let's just say that I'm not having any fun.
Just as I was looking forward to this day.
I had wanted to get my hands on the bloody coffee machine but everyone else can't seem to get their hands off it!!
So yeah.. I'm a brat.
And now I'm just uninterested.

I suppose I should've expected this. I should have expected that I would be disappointed instead.
I suppose at this point I should have expected that I won't be having any fun the moment I took a step out the door.
Pffft! What was I thinking.

I know, I know.. I shouldn't be making such a big deal about this but like I said, I'm a brat..

O yeah, thank you for reading me rant. I'm just killing time until I get to go back!

Hello.

Thought for the day...

Plato said; Be kind, as everyone is fighting a harder battle than you.



So what if you're fighting a losing battle..?

Never here.

I know I've been quiet.
It's been a week filled with disappointments.
I suppose I'll take the most recent thing to write about;

My Maybank debit card's details was somehow stolen.
After a year of breezy, unproblematic shopping online.. two days ago my statement showed me an unauthorized purchase to Amazon -- a store which I had never bought anything from.
Yeah, I'm pissed.
I've talked to Maybank. But apparently I still need to make an official report -- with a form and pen.
I've emailed Amazon and I really hope that they could help me get back my money.
I tried asking the Boyfriend to help me get to the bank.. but I guess he's too busy to help out.

He's never around when I am feeling my lowest.
I guess I have that to think about.

Training hadn't been great either.
Sure, I understood whatever crap that they taught us. All the questions that I voiced out was not out of interest. I simply wanted to make my life easier in the future. I'm a total nerd that way.

Anyway. I'm sad. And angry. Just upset, really.
So I think I'll just head to bed early tonight.

Sorry if this isn't the post that you're expecting after a week of silence...
I'm just bored of being stuck.

Sleepless.

I stumbled upon an old article about Halal meats being used in McDonald's in a western country.. and how it made such a big issue.
My first thought; why the hate?
Some of the issues brought up was that slaughtering is cruel -- stunning is more humane.
There's even a comment that Muslims have middle-age notion for that.

....

Then I read a comment how the issue came down to Judaism and Christianity forbade both Jews and Christians from eating meat sacrificed to another God.
That made me chuckle a bit.
I suppose everyone has their beliefs. I happen to believe that there is ONE God... we just happen to call Him by different names.

And then there's one that believed pork could be Halal.
THAT was just too funny.
In case there's anyone who has no Muslim friends and is not at all familiar with Halal meat stumbled upon this entry, here's the four-one-one;

Muslims can eat meat -- only if they are slaughtered in the Muslim way.
Seafood is pretty much Halal; they have no necks to slaughter anyway.
Pork will never be Halal.
Of course there's a little more to it, like there are certain animals that we can't eat even if we slaughter it.. but I myself have forgotten a huge chuck of that, so I would simply decline any offers to crocodile or tiger's meat. Something about animals with fangs and claws and lives in two habitats..

Oh well, two goals for Spain so far..
I didn't watch a single game of this year's EURO.. How times have changed.

Me and my bubble.

Ah, turned out I was in a pretty foul mood after all.
I did go for my flight, but I can honestly say that I wasn't my cheery self.
Although I did get my usual amusement by those passengers; one actually held up the plastic wrapped blanket and asked me what it was.

Anyway, I finally cut my hair.
As in cut it short.
And the last time I had it short was October 2007!
..and now it's even shorter than my hair then. heehee!

I really am not in the mood for anything right now. Other than picturing myself sitting in a bubble. Soundless with an exception of my favourite Blue October songs. Floating high above everything and everyone.
But here I am glued to the ground. With those songs blasted through my earphones.

To MC or not to MC..

--that is the question..

Congratulations to me, the letter says I'm a permanent flight stewardess; but I am transferred to Golden Lounge for two years. whoopeedee-doo-daa.
Such an odd letter to receive.
I guess I'm not in such a terrible mood now. At least I'll be among friends. We'd probably flip the ground around, backward and forwards. I'm already brushing my flirting skills since I was told that we could take tips now. Bahhahahah! Niat langsung tak murni..

So my last flight; for the time being, would be tonight to Hyderabad. I'm having an on-and-off fever, and a cough that sounds like a dog's bark.
I suppose I could go and get an mc.. I'm permanent anyway! And I haven't taken one this year.. but it IS my last flight.
So.....

So..?

The impending doom.

So I received my email.
Instead of being invited to a briefing, I was just told to collect and sign my letter of secondment to Golden Lounge by the 28th.

So yes...
I am going to be a ground staff (mostly) for the coming months.
We're supposed to get a week of flying, but who knows.
I was recruited to be a cabin crew and now we're told to be something else. Training starts next month apparently.
Oh, that QR secondment.. apparently it was only open for those who have been flying for more than five years.

I feel duped.
And low.
And I don't even know whether I'll be a permanent staff/crew/whatever until I collect my letter.
Yeah, whatever...

Called up to KCH!

Bumped into, and flying even -- with Cik Amyan yang tak update update blog diaa! booo!

♥~!

Josephine?

Jocelyn? Or was it just Sophie..?
I had a quick chat with a neighbour earlier yesterday. She initiated it, naturally. Very friendly of her, we had both wanted to check our mailboxes and turned out that ours were side by side.

I always find it amusing how some people are so unassuming of others and are able to be so.. open.
Like Encem.. most times. hehe
You can throw him anywhere and you can be sure that he'll soon have a friend. And a good one.
I suppose everybody has their gifts..

It's Kina's birthday today.. Dida picked me up and we went to Putrajaya to celebrate a bit with the family. My nephew could walk now..
And Papa and I hugged as we said goodbye.
I guess we're over the cold war. Five months is a bit too much..?
HAHAHHAHHAHAHA! Paling gedik, we were actually standing a little apart and he was the one who called me over. Oh well, might as well just get over it. Five months IS too much.

I've always been good at holding a grudge.. that's the part of me that is unlike a supposed-Sagittarius. Encem never condoned to that sort of behaviour. But everyone has their pride...
I am glad that I could hug my father again.. I have been missing him lately. And everytime anyone mentioned to me about my parents, I'd always get a pang in my heart.
Yes yes.. I am a HORRIBLE child!
So I pray that my child would not inherit that bit of me..

Morale is low all around.
Bestie too would be a permanent staff in the company should he decide to sign his new contract.
I can't help but feel like there's an impending doom waiting for me in the near future.
Have I not repeat it enough how I hate being in limbo?

With a heavy heart..

I think I saw Xtina for the first time today..
Didn't know if she knows what I look like so I just smiled and semi-stared at her.
Sorry for that bebbeh. Just read your blog; hope you'll get out of your funk soon.

It's been... a heavy-heart sort of day.
Encem told me what happened at his briefing and I don't know what to make of it. The good news is that he IS a permanent staff in the company. Bad news is that I used the word "staff" instead of "crew". I have so many things to say about this matter but I don't know if I should. Not in here, maybe.
What I can say is this; I am not so much in love with the company right now.

Anyway, I'm tired.. sleep deprived and incredibly worried, like a spooked cat after you'd just jumped out from a corner while it's relaxing under the shade.

Nothing much to share, just got back from a three-days Manila and Jakarta trip. Had a cool set crew, sedap kene ceramah dek leading every single day. Ceramah agama, so I'm good with that. I love being reminded about stuff like that. Makes me feel like God hasn't forsaken me despite me being ME.
Alhamdulillah.

Anti-inspiration.

I don't like taking care of another person.
Fact.
I'd like to say that being the youngest of the family contributed to this behaviour. I have an excuse for almost everything.
I am also not the type who talks to random babies. You know how some people coos and baby-talk to any toddler that crosses their paths. I.. just don't do that.
It is seriously weird how I am in this profession.
I am not friendly, nor am I patient.
I enjoy travelling. I love to laugh. I have an obsession with the sky.
My reasons to fly are purely and absolutely selfish.

Aren't I terrible?
I know I am.
As much as I'd love to make a difference in the world.. touch someone's soul.. I don't feel like someone who is capable of that when really, honestly.. I am just selfish!
Don't you hate me?
I know I do.

I'm so full of crap.

Of jealousy.

Encem and Bestie received an email to attend a "briefing" at the academy next week.
I on the other hand did not receive any invitation to this secret meeting.
I suppose it's not really a secret.. But as I was not included in it, it does feel like a secret to me.
The main point to this -- I am not wanted in that group.

AND IT SUCKSSS!!
I hate being left out!
And apparently it's regarding our contract.. So what, I'm not good enough to be a permanent crew???
EFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!
Benci benci benci!!!
Fuck lah. Malas nak cakap dah. Somebody bang my head to the wall so I could forget about this!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did get an email about the new hairstyles though.
Apparently we can let our hair down now. It's going to feel weird if I do. I'd be excited about it if I am not thinking about that bloody briefing. Four sessions and I'm not in any of them, thank you very much!

Makes you think..
Maybe I'm not really crew material. Entah apa laa aku buat selama ni. Memain sangat kot.
Tak layak.
Time for me to act like this is nothing and it's not bothering me at all...

Went for a spa earlier. Jacuzzi, massage and a little facial. Kinda nice! The masseuse fixed the kink on my back and complimented on my skin -- waheyy! I'll be a bimbo for a while and dwell on that one sole compliment I got today!
Earlier, an elderly man offered to buy me a drink at Starbucks (which I declined because I had just bought one, and because he was STARING all the while and made me really uncomfortable,) but I couldn't take that as a compliment of any sort since Encem said he was practically hitting on every single female he saw. And yes, I saw that perverted twinkle in his eye. pffft!

After the spa, Encem and I somehow ended up in VIVA (even though we actually had Mid Valley in mind) and saw Prometheus. Throughout the film I just couldn't help thinking of its similarity to Alien.
==SPOILER ALERT!==
xx And yes, it turned out that the thoughts correlate. xx
Highlight the space between if you wish to read.

Okay, nothing else to share..
I need time to successfully deceive myself that I truly don't care about the current events. Sure, I'm happy for Encem and Bestie.. in a way. hahahahha! But this entry isn't titled "Of happiness," so yeahh...
I'm not exactly a nice person. I'm not great at faking feelings. Especially when I am writing MY blog. I'd never been a graceful loser. pffft!

So take note, I shall be in a very... very dark place for the time being.

Yack yack yack..

Kita google passenger lagiiii!
Well, kisahnye ex-PNH ada dua saja passenger. Sorang minah omputeh yang dah perabes buat muka dia to a point where she just looked OFF. The other was a guy that rupanya Malaysian.. Ye yee aku cakap English ngan dia, dia cakap Melayu ngan aku. Sebabnye? Dia kutuk passenger pompuan tu. HAHAHAHHA!

Borak borak sikit, pastu dia tanya aku ada boyfren ke. Aku cakap adaa.. then dia suggest nak jadi spare tire aku. HAHAHAHAHHA!! Aku gelakkan je.
Borak borak lagi, dia dah 50+ years old..
Adohai.. Old-man attractor lagi!

Aku nampak boarding pass for his next flight -- Kuantan, and made a comment on it.
Dia kata he's an ex-wakil rakyat in Kuantan. Aku cakap la Encem asal Kuantan. Dia tanya kat mana.. aku pon sebut sebut je la nama nama tempat yang aku penah denga Encem sebut. This passenger suruh cuba tanya Encem kalau kalau dia kenal siapakah dia since dia wakil rakyat for three terms.
HAHAHAHHAHAHHA!!
Aku sengih je part ni sebab obviously aku tak amek kesah pasal politics sangat.
Dia just cakap, "such a small world.."

So anyhoo.. using my usual technique of deflecting awkward conversations, I laughed it off when he suggested that we hang out since dia stay kat Cheras je. I don't know if that technique works for everyone, so don't try it unless you know you can pull it off. hahahha!

Balek rumah, aku pun Google lah pakcik ni.
And yes, he was a state's assemblyman in Pahang.. and seemingly is still a somebody in MCA.
AHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!

I'm sorry, this is probably wrong to say out loud but I suppose I understand how cabin crew; pramugari dan pramugara jadi "terlampau"..
It's just too damn easy!! HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!

..not that I ever plan to be one.
...not unless the relationship that I'm currently in doesn't work.
..not that I ever wish it wouldn't.
..and really, I shouldn't be saying things like this when Encem reads this blog in secret. heehee

Anyway, three days off!!
And oh, a view from my office..

Wheee off day!

Okay, let's pretend that rambut aku yang sebenar macam ni;

HAHAHHAHAHHA!!
Walhal, langsung tak kan, tapi anyway.. aku rindu berambut pendek actually, tapi sebab rambut aku macam contoh di atas, *ehem* kalo aku potong nanti everyday lah aku nak kene blow kasi bentuk elok elok..
So kalau pikap aku kul 4:30 pagi.. pukul berapa lak aku nak bangun, ye dak?

Maka aku pon sedang berangan lah kalo rambut pendek..

Rambut paling kiri adalah rambut Emily Blunt, which is pretty senonoh kalau nak buat pegi keje.. Comel gak kan? hahahha! Rambut tengah empunyanya adalah Tabatha Coffey. Macam cool je rambut pendek gitu. And yang kanan, tak lain tak bukan rambut Halle Berry! hahahahha couldn't help myself..

Lagi rambut yang sesuai untuk waktu kerja ialah rambut Monique Coleman;

Paling best pasal rambut ni, kalau pakai lipstik merah, rasanya macam takde sape patut berani kacau aku. Rupa sangat evil! hahahhahahha! Senyum pun rupa jahat.
Anyway, to make any of this short hair happen, I suppose aku patut straighten kan rambut...

ICKK!!
Rambut Gisele Bundchen jugak best! Hahahhahahha!! (Tak dapat body, pinjam rambut kejap pun jadi lah..)

Oh, sedang sedang aku dok try rambut orang lain, aku terjumpa yang ini;

AHAHHAHAHAHHA!! Naseb baiklah rambut aku tak macam ni.. Kalau tak, tak semena mena kene tekel ngan Bestie. *jelir lidah*

Okay, enough vanity. Dalam satu entry ni je ada sembilan muka aku. Nak muntah pon ada..
I should find something else to do, obviously.
Tadi aku dah email my application for QR tu. Tapi aku rasa macam ada ala ala self-sabotaging behaviour, sebab gamba yang aku attach sangatlah unattractive. hahahha!

Oh well...

Oh ye! If any of you are interested to kill time by doing a virtual makeover of yourself, you can head to TAAZ.com.

Noi-Bai and back.

Thirty-something passenger on the way up to Hanoi.
I took the chance to sit at last row and enjoy the scenery. (Well, to nap at first but I stirred when I felt the aircraft took a descent. hahaha!)
As we were approaching the airport, I noticed that we were flying above the clouds! Even higher than the rain clouds that I could see the grey parts of the sky that was on rain.
And as we flew beside it, I could see a rainbow!

To see the rainbow from ABOVE it....
Sumpah sangat cool!!!!!!!
As cool as seeing the sun and the moon at a parallel.
Sangat sangat SANGAT cool!

Anyway, that's just a picture of how packed Hanoi is. It did cross my mind to take a picture of the rainbow, but I didn't want to miss enjoying it while running to fetch my phone. I suppose that's why I never considered being a photographer. I could never get the job done.

I did however chatted a bit with an actual photographer on the flight back from Hanoi. An English fella who was using Leica..
Aaaaah.. so jealous!!

What day is it?

I have totally and completely forgotten what day it is today.
Tuesday? Wednesday?
My body is totally worn out. I'd been working from the 29th with only one friggin' day off on the 4th! And tomorrow I'll be flying to Hanoi and back. uggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Seriously.. last night I fell asleep before 10, managed to get about 7 hours of sleep and still I was tired!
This - never - happened - before!
I've obviously overworked my body.. *sad face*

I suppose I shouldn't have been too happy about my plentiful off-day last month.

Anyway, I still hadn't submitted my application form for the secondment. Bestie had sent his through both email AND the actual form. Talk about knowing what he wants..
Mumu doesn't seem like going anywhere. I still think of her as a newly-wed, anyway.
Encem on the other hand is not all interested, actually been looking around for other jobs than flying. *pensive face* I don't know how I feel about that one actually.

I guess I am going to miss bumping into him..?
Also worried that he might fall for someone whom he gets to see everyday..?
Yes, coming to three years -- I still worry about those petty possibilities even when I say that I don't care. pffft!

I am not enjoying this topic, so moving on..
I've been pining for a cat lately. I don't know.. growing up having one is making me miss playing and curling up with one. But I know I can't handle one at the moment though. Living in an apartment, with a job where I can't ensure that the cat gets food everyday.. It'd be cruel. *sad face lagi* Just imagining this cat mewing sadly makes my heart break.

Anyway, in my (failed) attempt to save up, I actually spent about RM200 on O.P.I products the other day! HAHAHAHHAHAHHA!! I truly suck. I just can't help myself..
But I have awesome nails now! hahahahhahha!

Oh and because I have nothing else to share, I think this is the most awesome, prettiest handbag in the world!!

Of course, it's Louboutin so I'll spare you the painful knowledge of how much this pretty.. super pretty.. 20th Anniversary Artemis Plumes Python Shoulder Bag costs.. sigh.

Shall we move on?

The email for the secondment to alQatariah is finally here.
After talks and just talks of it, it's now official..
Bestie is excited about it. He is certain that this is what he wants.

I on the other hand is making myself confused by thinking about it.
I don't want to seem disloyal but at the same time I am curious about what's on the other side. I've heard of the not-so-nice working and living environment but the pay seems good. I suppose there is no harm in applying, right? If I do get through the interviews, then maybe I'll think longer and harder about going.
I'm letting Future Wanie to figure that one out.
Wishing that I have a way to contact Saloma now...

Anyway!
#crewlife :)

I was sorting out the cabin when a passenger handed me that the other day. When I was done, my supervisor reminded me to call the person. I asked her how did she know since she was in the galley.
Apparently she'd overheard the person talking to his friend; hoping that I would call..
HAHAHHAHHAHAHHA!!
I must seem evil to have laughed at the idea.

Other than that, nothing much is going on. My emotions are a bit whacked these past few days to be honest. Could be hormonal, or maybe I'm just angry inside and just not talking about it.

Be well, dear readers.

A quick one.

..So I finished the whole season of Once Upon A Time in three days.

I found myself daydreaming about it some days.

Mostly to try and recall all those fairy tales that I've been told when I was a child.

Watching the show.. confuses you a bit. I mean, Rumpelstiltskin is the Beast of Beauty and The Beast? hahahha.. I thought it was awesome. And they gave a reason to why The Witch of Snow White became the way that she is. Also how Grumpy became grumpy. Pretty good back story.

Anyway, if you're looking for a new show to watch you could try this one. (Revenge gets a little too soapy halfway through.)

Pretty tiring day, these past two days.

I was on airport standby in the morning, pick-up time was 0430. I got to the airport at 0520 and when I signed in, the system informed me that I'm required to operate two sectors to BKI -- reporting at 0730!

Good thing that the set crew was awesome, and my supervisor maintained my position in business class. hahahha!! Terasa disukai dan chantekk.. HAHHAHAHA!!

Oh, having totally unprepared for a nightstop, (sure I carried my garment carrier but I didn't check what was in there.. or more importantly, WASN'T!) I didn't have my pants nor glasses.

But all the more I feel blessed as a friend was nightstopping there as well and had an extra pair of jeans!

So yeah, Alhamdulillah..

Despite my day started in a crappy note, it turned itself around. I totally don't mind that I had to work on a supposedly off day.

Sometimes I wonder how it is possible that I get the life that I have when I don't seem to deserve it...

I'm a little too angry to be someone who appreciates life.

I suppose I'm just that forgetful.

Good thing that God is All Knowing and Most Gracious. If He were a man, I'm certain he'd left me a long time ago once he learnt all the things that goes through my heart and mind.

So anyway..

Alhamdulillah.

Kisah 43 Ringgit.

Alhamdulillah gaji dah masuk.
Aku yang gatal ni haritu pegi keluarkan duit dari dalam bank, so dalam akaun ada 42 Ringgit camtu. Dalam purse ada 43 Ringgit, duit selebihnya ada dalam Moleskine. (Aku suka selit duit dalam buku, please jangan rompak!)

Al-kisah, pagi tadi dalam penuh kegeraman aku pegi airport untuk collect airport pass.. Sepatutnya pegi ngan Encem tapi dia takmo bangun dari tido. pffft!
So, teksi; RM8, ERL; RM15, airport pass; RM17.
Dengan tinggal RM3 dalam purse, aku doa doa ada lah RM10 notes kat ATM sambil menyumpah diri sendiri sebab keluar rumah tak bawak duit selit selit tu.. (Gaji kat Maybank dah masuk dah tengahari tadi, tapi aku CIMB so kebiasaannye petanglah baru masuk.)
Naseb baik ada, aku withdraw RM30.. lepas lah untuk naik ERL balek. And naseb baik jugak Bestie baik hati datang pikap dari Bandar Tasik Selatan.. heehee!

Alhamdulillah jugak semua urusan yang aku nak buat since awal bulan dah selesai;
1. collect airport pass,
2. update buku ASNB -- which is actually "Akaun Remaja TING".. hahahha! Ada since lepas Darjah 6, tapi langsung tak penah masuk duit, rekod pun masih ikut nombor surat beranak! hahahahha! (Surprisingly aku maseh ingat nombor surat beranak walaupun sebenarnya aku skarang banyak lupa benda),
3. report pasal kad Touch n Go aku yang di top up, tapi tak masuk walaupun dah kene deduct from akaun,
4. blablablaa.. cerita pasal kat bank lagi..
5. manicure-pedicure!! muahahahahha

So yeah, dari lima benda, cuma satu je yang tak official!
Rasa macam adult sangat harini.. Highlight of the day, dua strangers yang interact dengan aku arini teka tepat profession aku. Sorang mamat booth Digi tengah nak promote latest package kat area nak amek aiport pass, so takdelaa hebat sangat kan dia teka.
Sorang lagi pakcik customer service kat CIMB. Soalan dia simple je;
"Harini tak keje ke?"
W: tak, off day..
"Keje flight stewardess ke?"
W: ...ha ahh
"Nampak, dah tau.."

Hmmmmmm.. aku pun tatau la apa yang dia nampak. Aku pakai oversized tee, jeans ngan sandal. Mekap pun eyeliner bodo je, rambut aku semak ikat simpul tak bergetah. Kuku okaylaa, berwarna since memang baru je lepas buat. Tang apa yang dia nampak? Aku nak jugak tau, tapi tak pulak aku tanya..

Lately aku asyik terfikirkan leading yang buat aku gelak kuat aritu. Rasanya bukan sebab aku minat dia.. tak kot? hahahahha! Entahlah. Mostly aku just hoping dapat fly ngan dia lagi so aku rasa seronok bekerja. Or mungkin juga sebab aku janji nak kasi dia something. hahahahha

Haritu tiga hari trip, aku sorang pompuan.. sorang steward senior, sorang batchboy Cik Amyan, sorang lagi baru fly sebulan..
Kesian si senior kene banyak bersabar since the first two days tu aku maintain depan. Lepas dia komplen komplen baru lah last day aku keje belakang.
One thing aku notice pasal bebudak baru ni.. diorang ni extra extra EXTRA berani.. not in a good way. Aku tak nafikan, memang aku budak skema, take off ngan landing; silent review since day one sampai sekarang. Tapi yang sorang ni, first day dah tuding kat salah satu equipment dalam aircraft and tanya aku apa tu. Ayoooooooooooo!

Aku rasa out of place bila kat smoking room, aku dikelilingi crew senior while diorang tengah komplen pasal crew baru dalam set diorang. Aku rasa tak layak nak mendengar lagikan menokok tambah..
Tapi sekali terdengar nama budak yang aku penah fly sekali and proven to be bermasalah, aku tak dapat nak berdiam diri. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA!! Yes yes, aku pun ikut mengumpat. Ntahpape ntah!
Baguslah bulan puasa takleh merokok. Kurang jugaklah aku mengumpat nanti. heehee.

Actually bila banyak crew baru buat hal, aku jadi risau.. Leading skarang banyak yang best, sempoi.. Aku risau ada nanti yang kene pijak and diorang jadi lain.
Dah tiga tahun dengan company, maseh banyak lagi Leading yang aku tak penah nampak pun sebenarnye.. So yeah, risau..

Anyway, birthday Encem bulan depan.. aku maseh tatau nak kasi dia apa. Well, actually haritu dah decided, tapi sebab dia buat aku menyampah siang tadi, terus aku tatau patut ke aku kasi apa yang aku plan nak kasi tu. hahahahha!
Ah, it's so apparent that I am ruled by my emotions.

Oh! Haritu masa aku kat Shah Alam, keluar ngan Dida gi karaoke sampai LIMA JAM!! wahahahahhaha!! Yes yes, kami memang melampau. Tapi sangat puas hati ye. Karaoke dua orang, sampai lagu yang tak penah nyanyi pun tetiba nyanyi..

Dua hari lepas aku tengah berjalan ke arah bay dalam terminal, tersempak ngan muka familiar.. Dia pun recognize aku, lambai dengan penuh mesra. Aku tanya dia nak kemana, dia reply;
"Bangalore lah, mana lagi?"
hahahahahhahaha!! Aku pun tatau la apa aku buat sampai passenger dari flight entah bila ntah boleh ingat aku. Selalu sangat ke aku buat flight Bangalore? hahahahha! Kalau next time dia ada dalam flight aku, I better remember his name. Tak aci lah aku just ingat nama mat saleh haritu je.

Oh ohh!! And for the first time dalam flight aku ada ex-schoolmate from sekolah menengah!! Siapakah?
IMRAN!!!!!!!!
Haaahahahahahhahahahahha!!
Aku dah ternampak dia dalam line nak masuk kapal. Aku perati betul betul gak, takut tersilap orang. Skali bila dia dah kat depan, dia yang cakap, "dah lain eh skarang.."
Aku tatau la apa respon sebaiknya untuk komen camtu, aku just cakap, "kaannn.." hahahha! Tak reti aku nak ala ala mesra sedangkan time skolah pun barely bercakap.

Sungguh aku kadang kadang masih pelik cemana aku boleh jadi cabin crew..

Once Upon A Time..

Is it any good?

As most tv shows have ran through their season, I am now in need of a new show to watch as I wait for the renewal of the shows that I currently follow. That's how I started with How I Met Your Mother, actually. Encem and I went through seasons one to six while the seventh was just starting..
And now the two of us and Bestie can't go through a day without at least one HIMYM reference. Gila!

It hasn't been very exciting, this past few days.
Got myself waxed, went to see the new shopping mall in Setia Alam.. went karaoke with Dida from 11pm 'til 4am last night! Then I got up at 4pm today!!
That was new.
I'd never slept that long. Dida reckons that it might be Monavie's doing. She's been telling me to try it out, and I guess that's what happens when I do.

Encem's birthday is next month.
I can't say that I'm not looking forward to see next month's roster. Mostly just to see where we'll be on that day. I'd spent the last two birthdays flying.. I can't remember how he'd spent his last birthday though. Perhaps next time I should blog about it.. after all it's the only way I am able to remember anything these days.

Oh well.. sorry for the boring entry.
I had something to write about yesterday but I was at my parent's place, so naturally now I'd totally forgotten what it was all about.

You make me smile.

Yeah yeah.. I know I've been really quiet lately.
I even skipped a full day on twitter two days ago! ..which never happened before. I always had something to quip in a day but on the 16th.. I was absolutely quiet, I surprised myself.

Anyway, I'm sort of getting the wish I made a few blog posts ago..
My roster is really loose this month; two days of work, two days off, three days work, two days off.. Basically that's how my roster looks. And right now I am on my first day of three days off.
Super awesome.
Although I haven't gotten the chance to actually miss work.
And I know that I am not going to love the allowance I'll be getting, but I am not at all complaining.

Nothing much to update about, honestly.
I suppose I've been relatively happy. I usually write when I'm bothered anyway; when there are too many thoughts in my mind that I can't chase off with sleep.

Encem did try to convince me why I shouldn't be so sceptic of marriages yesterday. I thought that was amusing. He seemed to have this notion that it is more romantic to be married than not.
That he sees the good in me when I can't. (Reminded me of Fruits Basket somehow.. with Tohru and うめぼし)
Which is just great.. I suppose I could write down blind alongside crazy on the list of his "cons". (Which is also his "pros" list. hehe)
Sometimes I swear he sees me way too differently than what I see in the mirror everyday. Or maybe he hit his head hard that he'd forgotten all the bad things I'd done.
But I can't seem to forget. I know.. God knows all my sins.

I am thankful anyway.. I thank God everyday that I have Encem around to make me feel like I am wanted and worthy of love.
I am also thankful for you readers that made me feel like I mattered. That my life did not go unnoticed. Thank you!
Last but not least, I am thankful for creative song writers such as Justin Furstenfeld who writes melodies konon ganas tapi hati halus lyrically. hahahahha!

And could you be the one that's not afraid to look me in the eye
I swear I would collapse
if I would tell how I think you fell from the sky
My words, they pour like children to the playground
Children to the playground
-- Blue October

Alhamdulillah..

Of weddings..

Encem and I went to his friend's wedding yesterday..

Perhaps I'm just too messed up in the head but really.. going to weddings doesn't make me anywhere inclined to have one myself.

I suppose after years of being together with the same person, getting married would be a natural progression.

I suppose.

But do I want it?

Apart from making legal of what's illegal.. make an honest woman out of me, if I could be so bold.. I don't see why I need to have it.

A friend said last night that what I have with Encem right now is our souls finding home in each other.

It sounded real nice, I had to write about it.

I can't seem to shake off my natural rebelliousness towards society's expectation for a couple to be married.

If religion does not demand it, I'm pretty certain you'll be asking yourselves "why" as well.

WHY?

Simply because it's a natural progression?

If two souls entwine and chooses to be loyal and commit only to each other, why marriage becomes the natural progression?

I am not doubting that one day I will be married myself.. but maybe I won't.

I believe who ever my future spouse will be, he will have a really tough time convincing me why we should marry.

Falling in love is irrational.

Getting married is apparently a logical move, which to me sounds boring in itself.

Peeta.

Making acquaintances is easy.

But having a relationship requires work.

Or time.

You either work for it, adapt yourself to one another.. or just let it grow in time..

But then there's chemistry!

That's what I learn this past week. hehe

I had the awesome privilege of flying with this particular Leading that just makes work so enjoyable; the aircraft was our playground. We were joking, fooling around, laughing so much that even the tech crew stepped out just to see what's going on.

I got to see first-hand that laughter is indeed infectious.

And just how important it is for us crew to be happy -- to make the passengers happy. Truly.

I'm really all roses, candies and rainbows now. All the while I've been flying, I'd never laugh as much at work that I had to lean on the galley top for support several times.

So yeah, thank you God for throwing a Libra my way.

I also learnt that I could survive 3 sectors; 6 hours of work with barely 10 minutes of shut-eye! Not that I'd like to do it again anytime soon. It was nuts. Blurred vision, nodding off at landing.. nuts!

All because I was too immersed with a book.

And that's where the title for this blog entry came from.

I've finished reading the Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins. I had to buy the third book in Kuching since everywhere I went in the Klang Valley is out of stock! grrr.. (RM5 more expensive than it would've cost in KL!)

I enjoyed reading the book. I was surprised how the film really was following close to the books and then found out that the adaptation was by the author herself. It's brilliant. I think all films that are adapted from the books should be made by the authors themselves.. given that they are still alive, of course.

I thought the books were a little too serious for a children's book. It was about war.. revolution.. and death.. not exactly something you discuss about with children, but it was good. Kinda hoping for more of Peeta though. Some things were left unexplained in the third installment, Mockingjay. I really wish there had been more of Peeta. haha

I can't help being all perasan that I'm Katniss and Encem's Peeta. Not on the bit where they fight the Capitol, but the fact that Katniss sangat hati batu and Peeta's the taman dalam hati type. And how Katniss is brash and always over-thinking things while Peeta seemed more collected and simple.

It's just totally us.

And yes, I know I get all emotional and stuff in this blog that I don't really seem like the hati batu type, but I guess you just have to really know me. heheee..

Anyway, two days off.. Don't know how to spend it yet. I was hoping for a manicure but I was supposed to make an appointment a few days earlier and I forgot! Oh well, I guess I'll get to practice colouring my nails on my own then.

Goodnight!

A jumble of nothings.

I know I've been quiet.

Even @azariazhar tweeted to me, sort of implied/encouraged/asked to blog. haha! Thanks for that.

To be perfectly honest, I was simply uninspired.

I haven't been flying for almost a week. I got two days off, followed by four days of standby that I wasn't called up.

So yeah.. I feel like I'm wasting away.. collecting massive fat!!

Remember a while back when I said I was at the heaviest I've ever been in my entire life?

Well, scratch that because I just got heavier. pffft!

Gemok, gemok, GEMOKKKK!!!

But what frustrates me the most is that I am THIS heavy, but my clothes doesn't feel tighter or becomes out of shape; makes me feel that it's okay.. everything's alright..

But I am actually gaining weight!!!!!

SHIT!

Trying to make myself feel better; I'd like to say to myself that my fat has turned into muscle from all the cycling, but I know better.. I know how much (read: little) I've rode my bike.

As much as I'd like to say that I don't give a crap about the way I look -- I do care.

ughhhh!!

Let's move on, shall we? I'd rather not dwell in the idea that I might turn into Michelen one day.

It's payday today.

Funny how it's been a hot topic among my friends for the past week. It's curious how terrible our accounts are this month. I even had to use my stashed money. Good thing I have those in the first place. hehe. Bestie and I even had to change back our foreign currencies last week.

I personally like to keep them for future trips.

Oh well, I'm happy enough that I didn't have to ask for a loan from Dida. hehehe.. though the thought crossed my mind. (It's that bad, yes.)

I've recently just finished reading Paulo Coelho's By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept. (It's a mouthful.) I find myself.. confused by the end of it.
The book started off with questions of love.. but by the end of it it's just something.. else. I think.
Perhaps I shouldn't have put it down so much. It was the book that I'd been carrying around during nightstops, but I didn't actually spend any time picking it up. ughhh.
Anyway, it was a good read; as all Coelho's works are..

..love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice, or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand-new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We simply have to accept it, because it is what nourishes our existence.

-- Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

During the weekend I went to see two movies with Dida.
Wrath Of The Titans was alright. Although I must confess that I wasn't really into it as I usually would. Mostly because I was too confused with all the Greek-Gods movies that I've seen! Sure, this one is a sequel to Clash Of The Titans. But somehow I got myself confused with Prince Of Persia because Gemma Arterton was in both of the movies. Then there were Immortals which was also about a mortal.. fighting for the Gods!!
ughh.. So yeah.. I find it hard to simply focus on the movie and enjoy myself. hahaha!

Then there was Hunger Games.
Let's just say that I am SO getting the books the next time I'm at the bookstore! hahahahahha!
Sure, it's pretty much Hollywood's version of Battle Royale, but I liked it's play on emotions.. So yeah, I am getting the book!

Oh, I almost forgot to write about the potluck my friends and I had on the 19th!!
It was neat, we all rendezvoused at Mami's place and the dining table was glorious! Mami prepared the drinks, rice and vegetable soup, Mumu brought her blackpepper chicken and stir-fried veg, Encem brought his mutton curry, I came with my beef lasagne and Bestie brought a huge slab of brownies!

I tell you, we dined like the kings and queens that day!
We dubbed Bestie's brownies as "Brownies Jahat", because it was incredibly sinful, paired with the chocolate sauce that Bestie had also prepared from scratch and also vanilla ice-cream!
I'm so lucky to be surrounded by incredible beings..

Anyway, three more days to another rendezvous with friends! This time we're catching The Avengers at Pavillion!! (Yaaayy, excited for Pavillion because I can't remember when was the last time I went there. haha!)

Oh, I'm looking forward for Encem and Bestie to come back from their trips so we could play that computer game we played last night. hahahahha! They shall be sorry for introducing it to me..

And that is all from me for the time being..
Take good care of yourselves, my dear readers.

The third year..

Pejam celik pejam celik..
Today marks the third year that I've been with the company.
Funny to think back how scruffy I was that first day. With the trainer looking directly at me and said how she believed that I must've put a lot more make up during the interviews, the bitch. (Yeah, up until today I hated the idea of seeing that lady. Mostly because of her naggy voice though. haha!)

Of course, comparing myself to Mami, she was like the rainbow. Yellow and green eyeshadow with pink lipstick. Perempuan gila. But she was pretty much one of the first friend I made. You see, that first day I didn't talk much and had absolutely no idea where I could go for a smoke! So yeah.. I didn't smoke at all that first day. But the next day Mami and I talked and she brought me to LaLa Land where Encem and the rest of the smokers were already hanging around.

I remember Encem was late that first day. Luqqy told the trainer that his car broke down but we later found out that that was a lie.. He'd simply overslept, which happened again during safety class. But of course, that time Luqqy said he ate something wrong the previous night so he's by the toilet having a bad tummy ache!
That was also his birthday, I think!
Encem and Luqqy always stick together.. even the trainers knew that.

On this date three years ago..
I simply had no idea what I was getting myself into. Never thought that I'd be where I be, or gone through what I'd gone through, seen the things I'd seen, met the people that I'd met.
I am remembering stupid things that happened while on training today..

Adi and I trying to see which one of us gets annoyed with the other first..
Encem saying that girls who smoke were sexy, that one time.. Ambik hati la tu, skarang suruh quit!
Mumu and I confessed whom we had a crush on to Bestie in the car ride to the commuter train.
Bestie and I jamming our air-drums and air-guitar to Bunkface while waiting for the train.
Mami telling us that she'd met Daddy long time ago but had only gotten close recently.
Adi's Angina Pectoris.
Luqqy always with a tissue to wipe his sweat.
Mumu and Bestie were convinced that Encem was into Mami.
Mami confessed that she'd met Daddy on Facebook! hahahahha!!
Staring contests around the table at Syed. sampai mata berair!
Toyol toyol in the exam room.. Our schemes to cheat off each other in front of the instructors..

Work-wise.. we are pretty stagnant. But I am thankful, nay, grateful that I joined the company when I did. Sure I'd probably be more stable now had I joined the company earlier. But I am grateful.
You know I'd never been about the money. Sure sure life's easier with it. I won't have to blog so much about the lack of it.

But at the end of the day, it's never the things that I own that I'm thankful for..

Haro!

I'm bored..

Currently in my hotel room in BKI. Just two nights ago I was in Melbourne. I got my Ice Break coffee fix; drank almost two litres of it during the 24 hours stay.

Melbourne was alright. Nothing much to do other than window shop. (Sengkek!) Plus it was Easter holidays, so the bike shops that I've heard so much about were closed. Pffft!

Bloody long flight, and my leader on the way up was the naggy type. You would think that the passenger's needs should come first but to her, it's for HER job to be done first. Oh well..

I pretty much spent the day walking around in the city all by myself.. Getting lost.. Found my way back -- until I bumped into the FO in the evening!
He showed me around the area. Good kid!

I was working in business class on the way back and boy was I glad to be with an awesome team! When I thanked them for their patience and a good flight, my steward said; you can't expect a baby to run with their first step, you let them stand first then walk...
I - just - LOVED - it!!
heehee.. Thank you God! Alhamdulillah..

Oh and for the first time the other day, I Googled a passenger! Hahahahaha! Stalker mode -- ON!
Well, I was curious because this particular passenger (Caucasian male, in his 30s) was on my 737 flight not too long ago, and when I offered him the immigration form he said he didn't need one!
Anyway, I suppose I'm a curious type of person -- when I do take an interest.

Other than that, nothing much going on in my life.
I couldn't get into my work Inbox because I took too long to change my password, so.. Padan muka. I'm going to have to write an email when I get back.. Maybe. Haha!
Recurrent next week. Not looking forward to going to class.
Airport pass expiring next month. Makes me sad, thinking that last year I had it renewed with Puyen. All my favourite work-people are in widebody now. Sigh.

Btw, Cik Saloma, if you're reading this, I am going to miss reading your blog! When you put it up as Private, terasa sentap kejap.. But I suppose I get it. Tapi sekarang terasa tak best knowing that I now have one less blog to read.
Good luck in your future endeavours, and take care!!!

Countdown to payday: THIRTEEN - FRIGGIN' - DAYS!!!
I pray that it'll be earlier than that..

Wind on my face..

I enjoyed my short break from work. Wish it had been longer..
I kinda spent more than I have to, but I have no regrets! After all, I'd spend it on a bike!
MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!
Gaya hidup sihat, katanya.
As much as I'd like to join Bestie running around the park, I'm honestly not a big fan of running. hehe.

So anyway, I bought a bike right before Encem and I drove to Cherating!
And believe it or not, we spent two days there and not once did we even sat by the beach. Sangat rugi! ughhh
We went cycling at Sungai Lembing with a few friends instead. It was a murderous route for a beginner like me. Bloody hills. I turned white countless of times and was wheezing badly. (Thank you, cigarettes!)

But it was a fun day.. After the gruelling ride, we were rewarded with a cool dip in the river!
Wishing that I could have more of that in the future..

Now, on to work..
I find myself partially indifferent towards it. It's odd. Half of me is excited that I'll be flying to Melbourne tomorrow night, while the other half is wishing that I am still on holiday.

I wish to be on a break until I start to miss flying!
Boleh?

Annual Leave.

My leave started yesterday and so far, I'd done nothing much nor gone nowhere far.
I did however had a get together with the few of my favourite people on Earth yesterday. Just a typical gathering I suppose.. Just me, Encem, Bestie, Mumu, Mamita and Baby Ezra! heehee..
I'm pretty sure that if you'd seen us in Midvalley yesterday, it would have seem a bit odd. Five young adults pushing a baby stroller.

I don't know, it just felt weird. It still feels like when we were back during training days, but the fact is that Mami is now a mother of a 5-month old baby, Mumu is married and I am in a relationship with Encem. hahahahahha!
Just 17 days away to mark the third year we've been with the company. It doesn't feel that long.

I still remember how we used to have the mamak-session right after training, until 8 pm everyday.
Mami was sort-of single.. hahahha!
Mumu hadn't met her spouse yet..
Encem and I were just friends.
And Bestie.. well, Bestie tags himself as "forever-alone".

It's fun when the four of us who are still flying gets the same day off. So far we'd always do something together on that day. And next month's roster is kind enough to let us have two off days together. It's not consecutively unfortunately, but I'll take what ever that I can get! We're planning on a potluck at Mami's place and I'm pretty certain that we're all excited about it!

Oh I'm really hoping that I'll be doing something fun in the next few days...

Pulling heaven down.

Serious shifts in mood, energy, thinking, and behavior–from the highs of mania on one extreme, to the lows of depression on the other. More than just a fleeting good or bad mood.
-- more on Bipolar Disorder.

mm yeah, if I were ever to diagnose myself, this would be at the top most of the list.
I did mention that I was hypochondriacal on the main page of this blog, right? Anyway, to be honest I do feel like something is wrong with me somewhere.. which is why I've always wanted to see a psychiatrist -- but never did. Mostly because I hate seeing any doctor!

This goes back to when I was fourteen; when I went to the doctor for a fever and a small lump at the back of my neck (which was nothing,) but then was told that I have a low haemoglobin count.
Anyway, it's a pretty long story but basically I came home with a bunch of meds (which I was supposed to take for a pretty long period of time, but ditched it after a few weeks!) and the knowledge that when I want to get married (assuming that we both plan to procreate), my future husband needs to get his haemoglobin count checked.
Hmmph!

Oh, I'm going away from my point.
My point is -- I prefer to be oblivious.. bordering on ignorant, maybe.
I need bliss, but to know.. If it is confirmed that I have an underlying mental problem.. I'm pretty sure I'm going to spend the rest of my days alone. The thought of passing on my horrible genes is just.. scary.
So yeah, my manic mood swings is pretty unmissable -- which is honestly why I no longer write as much. I HATE seeing proves of my craziness.

I'm relatively happy as I write this. I'm grateful for the days that God has given me. Especially when I am feeling as full as the past few days. Despite being alone, I am truly.. happy.
Funny how I've been listening to Blue October and think that I want their songs in the background on my wedding day.. It's like.. so.. "APAKAHHH??"
hahahahha! Of all the things I can wonder about...

Oh, I had been at the training school this past two days learning English for the announcement rating -- which was awesome! May I rephrase; I was awesome! HAHAHAHAHHA!!
During the class, I mean. My announcement wasn't so great, I spoke too fast.. as always. Imagine how Lorelai and Rory Gilmore would speak to each other.

Anyway, two days off..
Dear God, please let me keep having this good feeling.

A thousand secrets..

It could've been a million.

Just words and lines I've kept from you. Things that I should have probably said to you but don't.

I am one but a small fracture in your mind.

..And heart.

I've tried my best to be the best person that I could be. Be the one that you'd want me to be.

But what's the point when you don't reciprocate?

All my efforts seem like nothing to you.

I seem like nothing to you.

I flew over the ocean for you, but you couldn't even spare a minute to speak to me.

Tell me, what am I doing here?

I wish you'd tell me that I am not wasting my time.. that it will all be worth it.. that I will no longer shed a tear for you.

But what's the point of that when you'd said it yourself; words are just words.. there is no real promise behind it.

So what am I doing here really?

I've made it too easy for you to toy with my heart.

I'd given you all that I have while you've given nothing back and now I am left with nothing.

You had once asked me what it was that I hid from you.

Well, there are a thousand of secrets.. could've been a million.

So this is just one of many..

You'd turned my love for you into regret.

To borrow--

..the words of Justin Furstenfeld;


Learning to love life by living through loss and mistakes
Lessons learned then gradually surfacing
Letting go, stripping naked to scream
I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be
I am alive in this world of face-first falls and public breakdowns
I'm a retarded, disfigured clown
Dying to be heard for the simple art of letting this heavy wall finally fall
I'm an equal being of no race or color
A hallucination if you will
Sneaking into the lives of strangers and letting them fall apart
To a new rhythm, just to feel better.

In a bad funk..

Moody.

I'm in that phase where I'm bored of work. (It comes and goes..) Nothing significant happened really.

Maybe that's why I'm plain bored.

Plus I've been feeling pretty lonely lately.

Makes me want to run far faaar away from here.

Kinda odd I suppose. The lonelier I get, the further away I want to be.

I really hate being so attached to anyone or anything. So yeah, whenever I come to a realization that my loneliness originates from the lack of the one that I've gotten used to have.. I'd take a step back.

Am I making sense?

Anyway, I feel like taking a thousand steps back.

Sometimes I feel like I am losing myself. Sometimes I am found.

Today I just feel lost. And hollow.

Feels like nothing or noone could ever save me from my dark, dark place.

I'd like to thank anyone who'd tried though. I am grateful to God for throwing them in my way. They've tried, I know. But maybe I was simply made to walk under the clouds instead of on them. Maybe I will feel this way my entire life. Maybe I will always have doubts. Maybe I will never have my bliss.

Been wondering if I should see whether the grass is truly greener on the other side. Funny how the people I know are leaving the job because of the things that's been going on with the company. I suppose it's true that Sags are loyal. To be really honest, with all the rumours that's been going around, not once had I thought to leave. Never.

But if I do leave....

It'd be because I got bored.

So bored that I had to run from life as I know it.

A jumble of what-evs.

hmmm..

I find myself craving for IKEA's curry puff.

grrrr! I hate it when my hormones are going nutty!

Nothing much going on. Two days off after spending two nights in Kuching. Super early wake-up call -- not happy with that. But I was glad that the day's work ended at noon. So, pro and cons!

I totally cried watching Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. Come to think of it, I really don't remember which part made me so emotional.. But it really did make me cry.. several times. Perhaps the film was really touching, but menstruation just made it worse.

I've come to relate Sandra Bullock to my sister, Nina; beautiful, funny, kinda kooky, seemingly strong but somehow your guts is telling you to coddle her.

My mind's been working strangely these days.

I had to work with one of my not-so-favourite people in the airline on my recent trip. I don't know.. I never liked people who are loud. I just... HATE it, really. What, just because you're older and has more experience, it makes you so much smarter than everyone else in everything? This particular person wasn't mean at all, even quite nice really, but he's just the type that loves the sound of his own voice I suppose.

And I just can't stand that.

He just went on.. and on.. and on.. Sharing "knowledge".

SO glad that the trip's over.

Although, I did have a wonderful first day of the trip!

I was working in Business Class and my supervisor was awesome! (She'd always been awesome..) Even the passengers were great! I had practically full load in the sectors we did and everyone was extremely pleasant.

At one point, the overhead bin was already full and the nearest space we had was in Row 7 (business class ends at Row 4). My passenger didn't make any scene as he carried his bag to that compartment -- unlike most business passengers would.

And when we arrived, as I squeezed through the passengers to retrieve the bag, the passenger at Row 7 took down the bag for me from the compartment! Like seriously.. WOW! I was so amazed. I felt blessed! hahahha! (Which I am, of course! *wink!*)

Then of course, that night I broke the LCD of my phone when I accidentally sat on it as I got on the boat back from dinner.. ughhh!

Two nights without my Blackberry.. The screen was just blank although the system was running. And I could only remember my sister's and Encem's phone numbers! Well, good thing I remembered any, really.. So yeah, I blindly called Dida first to vent then laugh about my huge ass.

It had been two of the loneliest nights I've ever had since I started flying. hahahha!

Oh, funny thing.. because I couldn't see what I was doing, my alarm wouldn't stop going off. ha - ha!

So when I got home earlier today, I put away my things, changed clothes, look through my junk for my old Sony Ericsson, charged it a bit, transferred my simcard and headed out to Low Yat Plaza -- for the first time on my own. (Yepp, I didn't even remove my make-up! I purposely put on normal-colours on my face today anyway -- nothing rainbow-like.)

And now I have a perfectly working LCD -- also, RM 300 poorer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Memang babi.. Dan dan aku ingat bulan ni boleh saving, time tuuuu lah aku kena spend on a necessity! Mother-eff!

I guess I should wash my own hair for the rest of the month and forget the thought of getting a manicure. So unnecessary.

And so the fight to save up continuessss!! よおおおしょ!

Oh ye, lupa.. Pagi tadi change aircraft dengan Bestie yang sambil membawa handbag.. HAHAHAHHA!! Wish I had a picture of it..

---------
Update!
March 9th Just booked an appointment with a manicurist for my next day off.. Curse you, Groupon!!

Too much..

Too much of anything is never a good thing..

I had the last three days off.. and now I am just so lazy to get to work tomorrow.. pfft!
Three days trip, HERE I COOME! *fake enthusiasm*

And I know I've said this before, but I'm gonna say it again; I really hate it when I'm just so used to having Encem around. pfft!
I am an addict, I tell ya!
Good thing that I'll only be away for three days.

sigh. Three days.
Oh well. I hope you guys are having a good week.
Oh, and, welcome to the family, Cik Amyan.. Hope to see you soon!

Sedih.

Happiness is temporary.
At least that's how I always feel anyway.
Maybe I'm just needy.
Point is, I'm disappointed.. I am always the one being forgotten. Or taken lightly of. And I have no idea how to change that!
So I'm disappointed.. Frustrated.. Sad.

Haritu aku fly dengan sorang tech crew yang membesar kat Shah Alam. Turned out dia pun skolah Raja Muda, panggil area Seksyen 16/17/18++ "Seberang", and agree that Bukit Jelutong bukanlah Shah Alam!
Hahahahhahahahaha!
Terhibur hati aku.
Banyak jugak aku berbual ngan dia. To a point where sampai sakit tekak gak la.

Sebenarnya aku tengah lelah hati. Letih.. Sangat letih...
Hari Isnin lepas buat empat sektor. Reporting 0735, abes keje 1755.
The very next morning aku start on trip empat hari.. (Malam ni last night di Labuan.) Finally esok balek rumah!

Aku sorang je pompuan (selain supervisor) dalam set. Letih. Hari hari memain flirt. Hahahhahaha! I know this is going to sound bad, but it's a bit boring to not be able to do anything more than just flirt.
HAHHAHAHHAHA!!
And I hate the bit where they seem to be more interested in me than my own boyfriend. Huhuuu.
Ye, saya tahu, saya perempuan yang lemah lagi fickle. Tralalalaa..

Anyway, balek trip esok.. Then lusa buat empat sektor lagi!
Roster aku minggu ni memang ntah hape hape. Aku simpaaan je dalam hati betapa letihnya aku sebenarnye. Sure, I'm writing this on my blog, but I'm not exactly twisting your arm to read it, kan?

Aku tak paksa korang untuk baca. And yet korang baceee gak blog aku ni.
So I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being curious, for wanting to know what's been going on with my life.
Thank you.
Sangat.
You have no idea..

Speechless.

To not know what your next move is.
To be clueless.
To be speechless.

I realize that when something truly bad happens, I'd go completely still..
I wouldn't know what to do next.
What do I do next??

You know, "Hazwani" means pemberianku.. or "my gift"..
WHOSE gift????
Tell me, whose gift am I??
Because I sure don't feel like a gift.
Useless, more like.
Like one of those little crystal trinkets that you put in the display cupboards; they're pretty to look at, but completely useless!
I suppose some people do give out those crystal trinkets as gifts.. So maybe I am just that.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. Words failed me this time.
I just wish I could do something, is all.

S08E14

There are times in our lives when love really does conquer all

Exhaustion..

Sleep deprivation..

Anything.

And then there are those times when it seems like love brings us nothing but pain.

Sometimes we ease the pain by making the best of what we have,

Sometimes it's by losing ourselves in the moment,

and sometimes all we need to do to ease the pain is call a simple truce.

I'm a big fan of Grey's Anatomy.

I suppose you should know that if you had been following this blog.

Honestly I am a fan of most things with a monologue. I find it most interesting when there's an explanation to why things happen. Or the thoughts that triggered something.

When someone does something, I want to know why they did it.

It's either that or that I feel like I am constantly doing a monologue myself. So I feel the similarity between me and Mer. Only her thoughts are more put together compared to my incoherent rambling.

Well, I'm home alone again.

Feels like I'm the loneliest I've ever been this month. Roster's been unmerciful I suppose.

I was the assist crew on my flight today and my Primary Two (a steward.. well, a stewardee really) held my hand so tight during take off. He said that he always get scared of take-offs on a 737-400. I didn't think much of it. His hands truly were cold.

I was mostly uncomfortable because the rings that I wore were pressing against my fingers so hard.

I am still missing Encem. Between our work and his trips back to Kuantan, I don't get to see much of him. His father isn't doing so good, so I am trying my very best to be the understanding girlfriend. Which I do -- understand. So I don't get mad. Just sad..

I could probably count the hours that I had seen him this month so far.

We spent a few hours just talking last night. I'd missed that. It's little things like that that reminds me why I am with him in the first place.

Why I feel the way that I feel.

Why I get so emotional sometimes to a point where I feel like I should check myself to a psych-ward.

Aaaanyway, I hope things work out for the best.

I know he's not feeling his best, having to be away from his father's side at a time like this.

Our job sucks... when it comes to these sort of things.

Speaking of fathers, I haven't spoken to mine in weeks. We had a little spat over some stupid thing and now, like always we're duelling with our egos.

Let's call it principle. Or stubbornness; it sounds much better than "ego", right?

My father is a stubborn man.

I'm just giving him a taste of his own medicine.

Let's just say that my stubbornness is my super-power. Be it a dark one, at least I'd seem cooler.

I do feel evil for talking to everyone else in the family but my dad.

Moving on, I am the heaviest I've ever been in my entire life!

"become a hot-stuff" -- MY ASS!

Weighing at 56.5 kilos with flabby everything, I am nowhere near to being a hot-stuff!

Encem says that it's a sign of happiness, since he too had gained a little weight.

Oh well, maybe I am.. Happy.

Just maybe.

I thank God for my present weightless heart and calm mind.

I thank God for words. Ones that flows from my heart to my lips and through my fingers as I am typing this.

I thank God for my life. The family that I was born into, the paths that had led me to my job, to Encem.

I thank God for my sanity.

Alhamdulillah..

Retraction.

Aku tarik balek umpatan aku pasal captain semalam..

Tetiba teringat dalam banyak banyak kali dia call ke cockpit tu, ada sekali dia just suruh tengok view kat luar; matahari terbenam selari dengan bulan naik.. Apparently it only happens during full moon.
So yeah.. disebabkan itu, aku rasa aku tak patut cakap tak elok pasal dia. hihi..
The view was.. extraordinary.
Sumpah, sangat cool.

And that is why my friends, I adore my job!
Even when I have to do BLR, MLE, CMB or HYD.. nothing compares to the view of the moon, the city lights and sunrise from up above.
My work feeds my obsession with the sky. hehe

Holes inside.

Bestie finally showed me One Day starring Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess. (That is one fine man.. not hot, nor handsome. More to cute really.)

Made me think about soulmates.. (I can honestly say, that must be one of my favourite topics!)

Sometimes I wonder if Encem was truly meant for me.. or the other way round.

Sometimes I feel like it's better to not have found your soulmate.

In a way, if it doesn't turn out great.. you could say, "oh well.. he/she had never been my soulmate in the first place."

Whereas when you found "it".. and somehow things still doesn't turn out great, you'd have nothing to blame. Nothing to say.

Or it does turn out great.. you get married.. have beautiful children.. sleep in each other's embrace each night.. grow old together.... And one of you dies.

Then you'd be left with a hole in the heart.

Hmmph!

Sometimes I wish that I was never in love in the first place.

Getting burned, I can handle.

Being left with a hole...

The thought just scares the crap out of me.

Anyway, I'm missing my boyfriend..

We keep missing each other because of work. My heart is simply aching, and I don't think he has any idea how that feels.

Now on to work.. (Distractions.. distractions..)

The other day, a passenger asked for a warm beer.

Yes.

WARM beer.

When I told him that all our beers are chilled because it's meant to be served chilled, he instructed me to put the beer can in hot water. pffft! Pandai lah kau nak mengajar aku..

I was called up to Delhi on Monday and dear God, I was prepared for the passengers.. but the Bollywood Crew on my flight was hopeless!! I wasn't proud of it, but I admit.. I cursed a lot during the flight. And you could say that I was kiiinda bitchy that day.

My patience was thinning, so yeaaah..

And on a flight where everyone else was only catered ONE meal.. and us cabin crew had time only to have our meal ONCE.. the captain asked to have another go at the extra meals forty minutes before landing!

Pandai kan? Dahlaa makan dua kali.. Just before landing lak tu.. macam lah orang senang lenang sangat, nak layan dia sorang. pffft!

Lepas ni aku nampak captain ni, aku request awal awal taknak keje depan or keluar jalan or makan ngan dia! (Ada cerita lain tapi panjang nak taip.. malas. hehe)

Last week I spent the entire night talking with Chacha in BKI. He was doing some other flight but we were both nightstopping there that night. It was really nice. Been so long since I actually stayed up all night.. just talking. I've met a bunch of people, working in this line, but really.. to have someone that you could talk to for a whole night with is a rare find. Lepak bilik, minum kopi, smoke.. Cerita pasal life.. langsung tak masuk pasal company or gosip gosip. Instead of meeting again for breakfast, kitorang pegi breakfast dulu baru lah reti nak tido.

Terasa cam time time study dulu.. hahahha!

And my good friends had always been boys... pffft!

Oh well, I should head to bed now.

Macam tak letih je balek dari Delhi, sedangkan tulang belakang ni dah bunyik cam letup letup dah!