I feel guilty..

I've always said that this blog has been the soul thing that I could really commit myself to.
I've had this blog for eleven freakin' years now and for the first time ever I had a two-month (nearing to three!) long hiatus!
I'm sorry blog (and readers!), it was not intentional. Life got in the way somehow. And I am partly blaming this past hiatus to my phone for being so distracting!

Shall I update you on everything that's been going on since I last wrote?
Dare I?
I'll try not to ramble.
I probably won't since my memory is so bad, I can hardly remember what my last flight was!
Oh well.. I'll just try and make this as entertaining as I can.

Recently I battled with an allergy attack -- the same one that I got a few years back. Started some nights ago from my palms and followed by a swollen lower lip the morning after. YES. Lower lip. I cannot tell you how badly I'd like to laugh to that if it hadn't been my own lip. Then of course came the lot of rashes around my legs and arms that somehow made my entire body just sore and achy.
I hadn't gone to the doctor's. I found some old meds in the fridge that seemed to calm down the itch so I'm content for the time being. I don't know about you but I HATE going to the clinic so as long as the pain (or in this case, itch) is manageable, I'll put off seeing the doctor for as long as I can.
Plus I had just been there last week because I was having a fever and a cold.
Suppose my body just decided to deteriorate now.
Oh! And as for the allergy, I don't think it started because of anything? I am just calling it an "allergy" because it seems like one, but I hadn't done anything new recently.. And apparently this sudden rashes didn't happen to just me (thanks Google!) and while others have gotten themselves tested, their doctors couldn't give them any concrete answer to why it happened to them either.
So yeah... I'll run to see the doc once my meds are gone.

Work has been pretty overwhelming. I suppose I could blame that to my lack of update. Honestly I just don't have the time to sit around and ponder about life. I don't think that's a bad thing personally. If you had been following this blog, you would know that I would much rather living life than write about it -- but I don't mind having a bit of time to jot down some things either.

My rest days have been minimal.. I keep having to pack and unpack my bags -- a part of my job that I hate the most.

And yes, as you've noticed, I am beginning to call this thing that I do to keep my livelihood as a "job". Gets kinda sad to be honest.

I still have fun at work. I still love (most of) the people that I work with. But there comes a day when I am just too tired, stretched too thin to even care if I am smiling to the passengers or not.

But on the positive note, I did spend a few days in Cherating with my family last month. I have also been to Hong Kong, Macau, New Delhi, Osaka, Hyderabad, Taipei and Bangkok since I last updated!

Lots of money spent!! Gah!

Which led to my year-end resolution (if that even makes sense) to actually.. really.. truly start saving up some money. I honestly can't see why I would need anymore make-up or skincare products.. Or jackets and dresses.. Or nail polishes! I mean, come oonnn.. They are wonderful, but I really don't need more when I barely have the space to keep them! So my second year-end resolution; only buy things that I need -- which are things that I have finished and need to replace, or things that I have always always wanted. Things that I've thought of getting for more than three months at least! Hahhahhaha!

I refuse to deprive myself of good food though. So I'd always splurge on that! As for things, I'm pretty sure you could see how I'll fare from my Instagram. If you see a picture of a haul on there, you'll know I'd failed. Hahahhahahahaha

That sounded like I've set myself up to fail. Oh well, everyone has their weaknesses.

I'll try my best.. So wish me luck!

And I'll try to update this blog as often as I used to. I've really missed rambling on and on about my thoughts as if it mattered to anyone. Hahahahaha!

So vain.. But in a quiet sort of way.. Heehee

Temptations, temptations..

Crewlife..

I had a bit of conversation with a colleague last night on how easy it is to go astray, working in the line that we work in.

Hotels.. Out of town.. Noone to recognize you..

Easy!

Hahahahahahhaha!!

It was such a dangerous conversation to have, yes.

Anyway, it was almost like the "episode curang" conversation that I had with Bestie a while back. So yeah, sometimes I wonder why I keep getting myself into these odd little conversations.

Maybe so I could assure myself that I will keep myself true by saying things out loud? Hahahahahahahaha

I swear, sometimes I wish I wasn't too much of a Sagittarius that I am. I can honestly say that I scare myself sometimes.. Or is it most times? Hahahaha

Anyway, currently I am in Jakarta on a four days trip. Visited Mumbai for the first time two days ago and it was raining really heavily! A total 180 degrees from Delhi that was irritatingly hot.

The highlight of Mumbai was of course... Hard Rock Cafe! (Surely you could've guessed that by now.)

Going back home tomorrow and I am glad.. My bags are getting too damn heavy!!

Perhaps one day I'll do a 'what's in my bag' post just to show you the crap I lug around for work.. heh!

90 Freakin' Hours..

Alhamdulillah...

I survived the month of May. God knows how badly I wanted this month to end. Bloody ninety flying hours may not sound a lot to you but it was close to death to me! My entire body is aching, and my sleep is completely messed up!

I don't usually sleep in the transport.. Sometimes I do, but not EVERY SINGLE TIME like I did this month. I just can't help myself.. I am just too damned tired!

Four years in the airline, the most I flew was about 70 hours. So yeah, for someone who usually has 60 to 70 flying hours a month, getting 90 hours is a WHOLE LOT!

And everyone's saying that I'll get a good amount of allowance. True, but to do this again? I don't think so.

It is just not worth it!

Seriously not worth it!!

I would much rather have my typical allowance, and eleven days off, thank you very much!

I don't have the time to blog. I barely even tweet. The most I do these days is post on my Instagram; a picture is worth a thousand words, they say. Ha!

Funny that I am ending this month by dead-heading from Kuching back to base. 

But wait! I am doing Bangkok and back tomorrow.. Well, hello June!

Gaaahhhhhh!!!

Next month's roster is a whole new case; just SEVEN days off!! Seriously, what the hell is going on?!!

Yes, I asked for flying full time. But no, I did not ask for a back pain.

Anyway, I'm still glad to be able to say that I am a flight stewardess. No more "hybrid" business. Just glad. So glad.

And hey! Despite 90 hours of flying, I somehow couldn't find a single thing to cry about this month.. Which is pretty AMAZING!

I somehow feel indebted to Encem.. For somehow keeping me sane and not letting me be my usual emotional self.. Somehow.

I am glad to be on my way home. I am grateful for a bunch of things this month.. Mostly for my health, I guess. I am grateful for the friends and family whom has kept me smiling and laughing all throughout the month.

Just.. Alhamdulillah..

Kinda looking forward to June now.. A month of birthdays! Wheeee!

Hope you'll have a wonderful month ahead, my dear patient readers..

Busy busy busy bee..

Feels like all I ever do is work these days. Yes, I do keep a mental note to be grateful to have a job, to be able to fly fulltime again..

But I also can't deny the fact that my entire body is aching! With the lack of sleep and everything, seriously.. I'm tired.

I am off to Kuching again today. I am always in Kuching this month! Kinda wish that there would be something different in my roster but I keep getting different set of crew so at least the experience is different each time.

Let's see, what have you missed?

Nothing much really. I was in Hong Kong for a bit last week. Didn't shop as much as when I was there last. There wasn't any sale, plus I had JUST been there two months ago! I didn't even get to spend all the HK$ that I'd brought.

For what ever reason, that upsets me the most! Hahahahha! I sound like a total shopaholic.

I also had a little exchange with FabulousMiss.. Excuse me, FabulousMrs while we were both in BKI on a separate layover.

Anyway, nothing much really.. I'll write more if I think of something! 

TPE

Apparently the last time I was here was January 2012! (Things I love Foursquare for.)
So sad. And I love Taipei. But I am only here for the night. Touchdown at 9 last night, wake up call is in 8 hours. I don't even get the chance to walk around town.
Good thing there's a 7-11 next door... And I LOVE the 7-11 here!

They are so.. wholesome. You could actually get a complete meal from them.. Which is super awesome!

Anyway, I should be sleeping. We're flying back to KL in the afternoon then head to Jakarta!
Nothing much to tell you guys at the moment. Just thought I'd drop by and say hi!

Random things on my mind; I hope payday comes soon because I am itching to shop! Gahhh! Looking forward to the roster as well, Dida's excited to know if I'll be available to vote in the coming General Elections.
I am excited about my little get together with my favourite people once I get back from this trip. Also excited about watching Iron Man with Dida at the end of the month.

And something new, I'd ditched my Blackberry last Friday and is now a confused owner of an iPhone 5! I've got an Instagram account now.. Go figure!

Hope everyone is doing well.. 'Til next time, take care!

Holy crap!!

My wish came true.. (Or at least becoming true..)
If you'd seen my Facebook, you know what I mean. But I guess not many would understand why it's such a BIG deal.. but to me, IT IS.
So yeah.. that's all I've got to say.
Everything's good, I just got back from flight a couple of hours ago.. Encem's been good to me.. Life has been good to me. God has been good to me. Alhamdulillah..

I'm delirious about Before Midnight!! eeeeeeep!!!

Kepala pusing.

Oh hey! Finally I get the chance to have an update of some sort.
I didn't sleep at all last night. Coming home at almost one.. seemed a bit pointless to try to get any sleep when I need to wake up at four.
It's times like this when I'm glad that I am not operating on any flight today.

So I'm at the domestic lounge today. Kris Dayanti just walked in half an hour ago, looking gorgeous. (But a little too much makeup. So when I say "gorgeous", I meant her bod! hahahha) I'm trying to shake off the embarrassment of asking for a picture together. I'm not wearing a good bra, or my good pair of uniform so I'd look unshapely standing next to her! (Oh heck, I just don't feel attractive today.)
But Mencintaimu is my must-sing song everytime I go to karaoke!
So we'll see..

If you're a friend on my Facebook, you've probably seen my status that I will no longer be in the lounge next month -- meaning that I'll be a full-time flight crew once again! Yippeee!
So glad that our time in purgatory has ended. (Well, I have one more day to get through tomorrow.) Honestly not everything that has happened is bad. I've made new acquaintances, learnt a bit of the system.. and really, I wouldn't have met half of these people if we weren't stuck in this together. It gets a little sad thinking that we won't be able to hang out as often after this.
But really.. I'm very glad to only have my flights to bitch about after this! hahhaha

Oh!

Like I said.. Unattractive. sigh.

Six hours to go.. God have mercy on me.

When in Jakarta...

My set were basically people who were at the lounge as well.. so we got along pretty well. They were actually doing a few days trip, and I only joined them for the Jakarta flight. One actually asked me if I'd taken my medicine as I got on the airfcraft. Yeah.. well.. these people know how nutty I can get.

One of my stewardess is getting married this year, so we went to ITC Mangga Dua so she could look at some stuff for the wedding while Syam (my fellow Tea & Coffee Ambassador! hahhahha!) and I browsed at nothing in particular.

Naturally, "nothing in particular" ends up in a haul!!

I got handbags for Dida and Encem's Mama for Rp50,000 each. (Roughly RM16 -- bargain!) I got myself a black clutch for Rp60,000. A pair of flats; Rp35,000, a couple corsets and some makeup stuff that are not in the picture. A friend of mine gave me a brow liner some months ago and I just LOVE it! So of course, I need back-ups for it.

At some point, we were looking at wedding dresses and I couldn't take my eyes off of this one;

So pretty!!! It's yellow, I definitely wouldn't wear it.. but the design was exquisite! Lace at the top and a luscious bottom. So.. so pretty. The shop lady said it is Rp7.5 million. That's RM2,400. For a wedding dress.. that doesn't seem a lot. I'm pretty sure that's the cost of renting that sort of dress around here anyway.

So pretty!

We were walking some more then I saw this!

A pair of butt-looking panties! I couldn't help myself but laughed out loud. It was scary and intriguing at the same time. Syam said it looked "sexy", the pervert! I laughed again, of course. Basically this is a padded panties that you wear so your butt looks fuller. Lebih mantop! hahhahahha!

The idea of putting on an additional butt is too scary for me so NO, I didn't get it. hahahha!

One more flight before my flying week ends and hell starts again.

So I'm going to enjoy this two days off and sleep as much as I can!

#crewlife?

Spent pretty much the whole of yesterday sleeping!
A shame, really. Especially when I'm not particularly fond of sleeping to begin with. Feels like I've wasted a chunk of my life!
But I was back in Shah Alam and it was so damn HOT!! -- before it was pouring rain, that is.
Funny how an English couple asked me how the weather in LGK was just before the flight.. I told them that the captain said it's good and sunny -- for now, I added. They laughed.
And as we arrived in Langkawi, it rained quite heavily.. so we laughed some more.
You can never tell the weather these days.

HKG was chilly from the breeze. I liked the weather. It's like a rainy day in Malaysia, minus the rain. My crew and I went up The Peak. It was my second time up there, but first time by bus. The ride was pretty nerve-wrecking. Scarier than by tram because of the winding road and low tree branches. (It was a double decker bus!)
The view was incredible.. I would've enjoyed it more if I wasn't too scared of heights. (And I am a flight crew.. life couldn't be more ironic than that.)

Afterwards we split up, my supervisor went back to the hotel because it was getting too cold for him (he only had a shirt on), my steward/ess went looking for prey and my stewardess followed me walking around the shopping area.
We got back to the hotel around eight.. and of course, with quite a haul.

Some were mine, one was for Dida, and I got a little something for Mumu and Mami as well.
I got myself an HRC pin from The Peak.. mostly because there hasn't been any addition to my collection for months, which I thought was sad. I also bought a pair of skirt, jegging, a sweater and a muffler. (It was really thick and long and costs only RM20!) Then at the drugstore, I got a Bourjois foundation that I've been meaning to try out -- the brand is unavailable in Malaysia, so I was really hoping to find it in HK. So glad that I did! Also Revlon's Color Silk hair colour in Deep Burgundy, that costs RM17! Total bargain.
Oh, I also got a matte nail top coat from Sasa. Never heard of the brand but I've been looking for one in ages, so what the heck!

Oh yes, I've been having a little trouble with shopping lately. (Lately?)
It's more like "I can't quiet down my wants."

Anyway, back from flight I spent the night with Dida.. went to see Warm Bodies which was surprisingly enjoyable! We felt like watching something light, and the trailer seemed a bit goofy. We both got out of the cinema with smiles on our faces and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves!
I honestly really liked it. I might even loved it.
I can honestly say that it is now my favourite zombie-movie, closely followed by Shaun Of The Dead. (yepp, I am only into zombie-movies if they're funny.)

So now I'm back in Bukit Jalil. Coloured my hair and barely recognized myself. Turns out "Deep Burgundy" looks "Practically Black" on me so it felt a bit unnatural when I am so used to seeing myself with brown hair. Even my natural dark hair looks brown under the light while this one just looks.. black.
Feels like I should get a black lipstick and go all Gothic.
Oh well, at least it covers my grey hairs.

That's it for now. I feel like I should stare into my drawers so I could figure out what to bring for my Jakarta trip tomorrow.
Be safe, dear readers.

Free internet.

Helloooooo Hong Kong!
Oh yes, this post comes to you all the way from Hong Kong! Fancy, huh?
The time now is a quarter past one and I have a double-shot coffee in front of me. heh. Stupid machine didn't have any labels for the buttons so I'd pushed the button for espresso unknowingly.
Oh well, what can you do?

I was late for my flight's briefing on Wednesday. Daily KCH flight.
I came down for my pick-up at 0625. Sat on my trolley bag.. fixed my make up a bit.. stared at the cars passing by as its driver made their way to work..
Then something made me want to look at my flight details; STD -- 0825! Which meant that my pick-up was at 0525!!!

So I called Encem, woke him from his sweet slumber, asked him to send me to the airport. Oh sigh, dear God, bless that boy. Then I called the duty officer to inform my colleagues that I'd got my time wrong. (Briefing was at 0655!)
Nak dijadikan cerita, Encem needed to fill the tank of his car and didn't bring his wallet (too sleepy to think) and I only had a few Ringgit in my purse. We drove to BHP, but the doors were still locked. Drove to Shell, same thing! Good thing there was a Maybank just opposite of the gas station so Encem drove the car like a rally driver, I jumped out of the car to get to the ATM, jumped back into the car and we drove back to Shell.
When I got to the airport, I looked at the departures screen and saw that the aircraft was parked at B11!! Way at the end of the terminal. Baguslah, nak dijadikan cerita lah kan..
Anyway, I got to the aircraft about 10 minutes before the passengers board which was just enough time for me to change into my sandals and stow my bag.
Oh! And instead of being an assist crew, I was Primary 4 -- because I was the only girl in the set! Gahh!

The flight itself was uneventful -- thank God! Enough drama for one morning.

Okay. Nothing else to share. Honestly, I really do feel that I am much more eloquent when describing sadness. hahahha! That is almost depressing.
I'm looking forward to daybreak. Pretty excited to walk around the city though I'm not really sure what I want to do/see. It's been a year since I was here last. Last time I was excited about being able to shop at H&M and visit the Hard Rock Cafe. But I'd already visited the one in Lan Kwai Fong and also The Peak.. and there are H&M in Kuala Lumpur now.
So....

Perhaps I'll let you know what I ended up with in my next entry.

Oh, I forgot to bring my make-up remover wipes. (Loving Simple's wipes, by the way! I've used Nivea's since I joined the airline -- because I am LAZY.. but I tried Simple's late last year and I ADORE it!) So happens that the one I had in my bag ran out on the last night of my previous trip and it completely slipped my mind to chuck a new pack into my bag yesterday.
So I'll be going McGyver-ish and use the hotel's complimentary lotion to remove my make up tonight.

Busy?

Not really..
Just enjoying myself for the most part.

Yesterday's flight was super tiring. It was only BKK and back but it was full load and we were short of crew. (What's new?) I didn't enjoy the company of one of the stewards I had. He talks big, as if he's the awesomest (no, that's not a word) person in the whole wide world!
Out of ten things that came out from his mouth, I'd probably listened to two.

On the way back we had a bunch of locals coming back from a company vacation. At one point I was pushing my cart because it was already full, and while these passengers were trying to catch my attention to make a request, I just told them to wait a bit and that I'll come back in a jiffy.
Then I heard this one fella said, "itulaa, dulu suruh belajar pandai pandai tak nak.."
.......
I'd much rather hit him with one of the tea/coffee jugs, but what came out of my mouth was simply, "wow, biadapnye.."
And later the same fella had the nerve to ask me where I was from.. pffft! And he thinks he's smart.

Would it be racist to confess here that I never liked flying with a bunch of locals? They always have this kind of attitude as if they deserve more than the rest. And they're rarely ever kind. Which is weird! Because I'm pretty sure they were taught to be polite at least.

Anyway, my back aches. I suppose I was never fully rested from my days at the lounge. Out of the ten days there, I was doing Meet & Greet for eight! That is a LOT of walking. I'm not really complaining, I like that task. At least I don't have to stand around like an eejit in the lounge.
Then last weekend I was mall-hopping with Dida. We basically went to EIGHT friggin' malls on Saturday alone! Since she had lost so much weight, she needed to find a new pair of everything. I am happy for her. From size 18/20.. she can now fit into a size 12! She's incredible. She said that she aims for size 10, and maybe then she'll start eating carbs again.

I don't think I could ever say no to potatoes. And coffee.
I'm at my heavy/chunky-phase at the moment. I blame rice.. indirectly Encem, because he's the one who cooks them! You'll never see me cook rice. Well, maybe you will. I have no problem cooking rice, but I never knew how to prepare all the things that goes along with it.
But I've been to Starbucks a LOT lately. Which is sucky in its awesome way. I really ought to cut down on those. Sugar.. carbs.. bad bad BAD!!

Okay, nothing else to share. I have a pretty early pick-up tomorrow.
Hope you guys are having  a good week!

Oy, I'm getting old.

It's flying week! Yippeee!
I'm back from a three-nights KCH trip, and my whole body aches. Can't wait to hit the showers.. right after I peel off this pore strip I have on. Can't wait to lather on my off-day bodywash and shampoo.
Yes, I have an off-day bodywash and shampoo. I refuse to use it for everyday because they smell too good; so I save them for special occasions -- like off days! hahahhha!

Seems like my grey hair is spreading. Used to be just at the front part of my hair (like Rogue), now they're at the sides too! aghhhh! That really bugs me. Guess it's time to hit the saloon.. Maybe after pay day. Or maybe I'll use one of those DIY kits this time. I don't know.. I'll decide later.

Flights hadn't been eventful. They're all alright, but nothing much to talk about.

Damn stupid pore strip just made me cry.
Oh, that's my cue for soapy-time!
Perhaps I'll write some more later.

Have a good weekend, everybody!

Week's review!

Oh wow, aren't I interesting to actually have a review of the week?

Anyway, it's been a good one.
I was flying from the end of last month 'til last Sunday. I came for the lounge on Monday, had a day off and been working for four days in a row. And pretty much each night I go to bed at 6am! (Except tonight since it's already 7 in the morning..)
Yeah, I'm troubled. Only this time I am referring specifically to my trouble sleeping.

Flying had been good. I enjoyed myself pretty much on most flights. Even all the delays and short of crew can't keep me down. I had the pleasure, and great luck to fly with good people! Alhamdulillah..
Nothing much on the flying week I suppose. Or maybe I'd waited too long to write about it that I have now forgotten all of the details! hahhahha

My feet hurts and my whole body aches. But my heart is full, and that's what matters the most.
A passenger looked for me by name earlier, which I thought was crazy. I was on a ciggy break and my colleague texted me; "an Indian fella was asking about you".. I thought he was joking! But somehow a face came to mind.

And true enough, the person who was looking for me was a frequent traveller that I keep bumping into at the lounge. I just never thought that he'd remember my name.. I'm pretty sure that I haven't seen him for weeks.. if not months.
Anyway, I enjoyed talking to him. He's just one of those guys who are easy to talk to.
Oh, and he thought I looked Eurasian if not Sarawakian.. which was amusing. He suggested that perhaps somewhere in my ancestry was of Caucasian blood, and I just told him that they're all Indonesian as far as I know. hehe

And today I bumped into an uncle at the aerotrain! I was fussing over my airport ID when somebody approached me. I got quite the shock since I'd only seen him last month at the customs area! Feels like I only get to see my family if they were in the airport somehow..
Basically I've been bumping into a LOT of familiar faces this week..

I'm all out of things to share!
My nails are blue now. I'm gonna talk about that on Tumblr after I get some sleep.
Hope you're all enjoying your weekend.

Bliss.

Can I say that I love myself when I'm in this mood?
Well, things been good and I could easily say that I'm happy.
So naturally, I'm afraid. This feeling doesn't stick too long most of the time. But I'm hoping..
I really love the way I am feeling.

Even when I am blogging this at the lounge.
I am wide-eyed, you have no idea how scary that looks to other people. hahaha!
I figured three cups of coffee would do that to a person. A relatively normal person, anyway.
My nails are green; looks pretty good with the uniform. (I might post a picture later since I'm ALL about nails lately.)

Apparently my Tumblr looks like a make-up blog now, according to Bestie.

Anyway, I'm feeling good.. that's pretty much all I wanted to say.
Have a great week everyboddeh!

Oh! I should probably blog about my flying week next.

Dizzy.

I've been down with a nasty fever for the past couple of days. I didn't go to any clinic because the ones that I usually go to would always make me wait long enough at the waiting room for me to wish that I'd just die right there. So I went into shaman mode and basically take a cold shower every few hours so the heat would leave my body -- and had Panadols.. hahaha!
It worked, I no longer have a fever. But I'm at that stage where I am sort of floating, and everything tastes like metal in my mouth. ughh.

Dida and Encem offered to bring me to the doctor everyday.. But the doctors that I usually end up seeing are.. how shall I say this kindly.. hmm.. Useless.
So honestly speaking, I'd much rather take things into my own hands. I mean, wouldn't you rather die by your own stupidity than a doctor's incompetence? (Okay, perhaps that is just me.)

Being sick also makes me an emotional wreck. I must've cried like fifteen thousand times! I would laugh about something with Encem and the next minute I'd cry non-stop. Even tv shows makes me cry. Tv shows that isn't Grey's Anatomy! (I always cry watching that, whether I'm sick or not..)
So yeah,  hate being sick. Crying all the time just makes it worse.

I was scolded by a passenger on my previous flight. Apparently I was rude to her when I asked her to wait when she asked for a refill of her tea. She recommended that I should go back to training school for the way I behaved blablablaa and she asked, "you get me?"
I said yes.. Not a single apology though. Perhaps I was kinda rude, but to me that was just me being normal. She had asked for a refill when I wasn't even pushing my cart. I was holding a few trays as the passengers at the back haven't even got their meals!
So yeah, I am rude to selfish, inconsiderate bastards. Funny thing was, everyone around her was looking at HER funny, and not at all treated me differently. So, if any of you behaves like an inconsiderate mother-effer on my flight.. do expect rudeness in return.

That makes the second obvious complaint against me since I've been flying. The first was during my first month on the job. A passenger vomited on the aisle while meal service was in commence. I can't remember how or why but I stepped on that puddle of yuck and said (under my breath), "shoot".
At the end of flight my supervisor told me that the sister of the sickly person complained to him that I'd used a vulgar word, and not at all sensitive to the situation.
Honestly, I'd like to see her step into that crap and say "yippee".

People are just weird sometimes..
I do have one more story to tell. But I don't think I'm gonna. It's not funny nor amusing.. So I'd rather be pissed in silence. heh.
I do hope that my head would come back to the ground soon. Gonna be up all night tonight! Four bloody days of absurdity and another day off. It sucks that I'd spend my weekend off being sick. sigh..

F.

You know that feeling you get when things just goes wrong for you?

I just had that sort of day..
When not ONE single thing goes my way. And instead of feeling disappointed or upset, I am plain PISSED!

Seriously, I hate everything and anyone right now. Maybe I'll change my mind in a bit but for now, I am just full of HATE!!!

I hate "privelleged" people. I definitely hate politicians. I hate people with "titles" because honestly, if noone knows exactly the contribution you made to get the title, you definitely didn't earn it.

And I hate that I feel like I keep on giving and giving and getting nothing back! I hate doing favours for people that I don't even like or remotely care.

I hate that I curse everytime I look or think about my roster next month. I am complaining, I know. But I deserve to complain. I SHOULD complain, not all those other kids who complains how their friends got two Taipei and they only got one. COME ON!!!
We have a saying that goes, "if you're not happy, resign."
For once I am really contemplating about it.

Shit.
I should've stick to my plan years ago. This isn't how I imagined my life would be. I was never meant to stay here and be anybody's bitch.

Damn it! I must get out from all this crap.
Sent from my BlackBerry® via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

Two sides of every story..

It makes me sad thinking that my friends would gang up on Encem.
And I realize that it's partly my fault..
Haven't you noticed that I mostly write when I'm feeling sappy?
Honestly speaking, I wouldn't BE writing if I wasn't. Most of the time anyway. When I am thoroughly enjoying life, you wouldn't find me writing about it because I'd rather enjoy my life than write about it!

So yeah, I'm miserable a lot. (Or at least I use the word a lot!)
And yes, Encem may or may not be the cause of it.
But to judge him solely based on MY blog is unfair.. because that's just one side of our story.

Let's start off with this; I may or may not have a stable mind to begin with. Dida shall be a witness to that. She plainly calls me "weird". She understands me.. and is completely clueless about me at the same time. But she loves me. Plus, she's my sister so whether she likes it or not.. she accepts me.
Examples of my mind's instability; I speak of death a whole LOT! And I remember saying out loud that I should die when I was EIGHT after a quarrel with Dida. hahahhaha! Do you know anyone who speaks of suicide at the age of eight?
Oh, I am also WAAAY too emotional for my own good.
And when I'm disappointed with someone, I'd think of suicide (rather than murdering the person) just so that person could not make it up to me. In hopes that they'll regret it for the rest of their long lives. Oh yes, I am horribly spiteful.

Honestly, I think I would've been long dead if I didn't believe in God, religion, heaven and hell..

So now comes in Encem..
Is he my soulmate? No idea!
Is it practical to be with him? Not really.. generally I think it's more practical to be alone.
Do I enjoy being in a monogamous relationship? ..well, my thoughts are hardly ever monogamous.
But it isn't fair for me to expect him to SAVE me, is it?
I have this idea that my soulmate should FIX me.. but at the same time, my pride would rather have me fix myself! Hence the constant talk that I need noone.

But the facts are -- I've been with Encem for more than three years. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry. Sometimes he cries with me. He buys me books instead of chocolates, he's incredibly patient and I can never get enough of his hugs.
He cooks for me and I'm pretty sure it's been almost a year since I last made anything for him.
He takes care of me when I'm sick, and he's rarely ever speak ill of me.
Unlike me.. on this blog. See, he doesn't need a blog to speak his mind because he actually says them out loud -- if you manage to pry it out of him.

It isn't his fault that I'm such a needy prick.
He's been the same person that he's always been.
And I never even knew that I could be this needy before I met him. I must admit that in the past, I would've been the one who is chased after. Everything was just too easy.
Encem annoys the crap out of me sometimes.. but he makes me feel alive. (Yes, that sounds corny.)

So don't hate him when you don't even know him.. Only I'm allowed. hehe
Plus, my expectations of him is VERY high, you have no idea.
I'm sorry if you get tired of me venting about my love life.. And I can assure you that it's not going to stop anytime soon.

A line from The Perks Of Being a Wallflower;
We accept the love we think we deserve..
..now, what crossed his mind to think he deserve a psycho like me..?

Want and Need.

I believe, there is a huge difference between needing and wanting to be with someone.
To need gives you no choice. For what ever reason, you must be with the person. It's almost pragmatic.. or calculative.
To want is a choice. A choice that you made each day.. to stay.

See, I don't need you.
And wanting you can change.

Silence is virtue.

I know I've been quiet lately..
Nothing much to say really..

Oh, last night Encem noticed blood in my right eye. I thought it was the normal dot that I've always had.. turns out it was something else! Looks alarming. Kinda scary. I babbled a bit while I tried to calm myself down.
Then I looked it up on Google and diagnosed myself as having Subconjuctival Hemorrhage. Yepp.. bleeding in the eye. No idea how that happened, but apparently it's nothing serious and it should go away in two weeks.

I still went to see the doctor, just to make sure and he told me the same thing that I already knew..
So I'll be having scary-looking right eye for two weeks. gahh!

Other than that.. nothing's going on in my life.
Promised myself not to talk about money, so I'm not gonna.. hehe

2013.

Not loving my year so far..
Kinda wishing it would end. Perhaps I should end altogether..

Yes, I am feeling rather dark and twisted.

Started the year with some promising resolution.. But after two weeks, I guess my expectations got low and I am left with just one;
to get through a week without crying.

That's all I'm asking.

Addicted.

Ebay is EVIL.
I've been on it for an hour looking at OPI nail polishes.
I'm addicted to colouring my nails somehow. Well, it's something to do. Keeps my mind off of things. So I get myself focused on the lighter side of life; like, what colour should I paint my nails with next?

I've been feeling like I'm cheating on Blogger lately. Mostly because I've been on Tumblr more often than here. Somehow Tumblr makes me feel younger..? Made me feel free to rant and actually post pictures of my nails! HAHAHHAHHA! Feels kinda vain, but somehow having it on Tumblr makes it feel okay.
How odd is that anyway?

I've been sad, to be honest.
Just typing those out makes me want to cry. I'd really hate to admit it but it's the truth. I've been complaining about my job a lot lately. Too much for my own liking. I'm unhappy at the lounge.. and I'm complaining about flying. Basically means I belong nowhere!
Sure, if you ask anyone I'm sure they won't tell you that I've been complaining about these to them. I haven't even been talking much to anyone. Not about how I really feel anyway.

Bestie is never around.
Dida is too judgemental.
And Encem.. well, Encem being Encem.. I don't even want to start on that.

I'm sad.. I have no one to turn to.
So yeah, that's what's been going on. Just me, having conversations with myself every single night.. all the time.
It's only been five days of the new year and already I'm telling you some sappy stories!

So now I focus on my nails.. What colours I want them to be..

Wa-heyy!

Kota Kinabalu's Rock Shop is now open and it's only 15 minutes walk from our dingy new hotel! (15 minutes because crossing the freeway was imperative -- the word "safe" does not come to mind when thinking about this new hotel.)

And earlier, a Korean fella stared at me while my colleagues and I were smoking outside the lobby. He was standing right next to me but he was staring that I had to give him a questioning look and said, "Yes?" (My colleagues laughed at this.)

The fella just shook his head a few times, lit his cigarette and stared a little bit more.

So yeah, I don't do well with people invading my personal space. That dude would've gotten much much more than a single word from me had my colleagues did not distract me as they laughed.

Anyway, the new Rock Shop isn't on the Rewards Program yet but that did not stop me from getting a new pin for my collection! I figured I could always come back again anyways. Plus, I HAVE to go back to get Dida's t-shirt for her collection. "Medium" was out of stock, and buying large seemed a bit too much considering Dida had lost so much weight over the past few months!

Nothing else is new in life..

It's 2013 and I feel exactly the same.

I just hope that things will be better.. before I lose myself completely.

Of a troubled mind.

Despite coming home well after midnight for the past couple of days.. I've been having trouble sleeping.
I suppose I could blame tiredness. My entire body has been aching for days.
But I won't deny that there's been a bunch of things on my mind lately.

On a lighter side.. I've been thinking of getting a new phone.
I don't really need it. I'd just like to have it.
Nothing really heavy about that. Sounds kinda dumb even.

I've been feeling really detached. I don't know. Lack of conversations that is worth my while. Couldn't bring myself to care anymore.
I can honestly say that I've been faking smiles this past whole week.
I don't feel like smiling at all. Nor do I feel like making any contact with anyone. Just so happens that I work in a line where I am actually paid to make contact and connections.
Life is kinda sucky at times like these.

Perhaps I'll end up a hermit after all.
I really wish happiness isn't so temporary. But it just feels that way these days.

Oh well, ignore me. It's half past five and I'm obviously sleep-deprived.

Of Birthdays & Books

I'd say Mumu and I are lucky for being born in the same month that we get to have a potluck get together to celebrate our birthday! ..and we all got the same off day on a weekend! Such a rare thing..

Mumu prepared a load of fried finger foods and drinks, Mami brought spaghetti, I brought Tony Roma's ribs (too lazy to prepare my lasagna) and Bestie brought Secret Recipe's brownie.. because his mom's oven broke! sigh..

Oh and I love the presents Mami and Bestie got me!
Thank you thank you thank youuuu!

Then earlier today I finally got myself to the Big Bad Wolf Book Sale. The place was HUUGE but I couldn't find much really. Or at least I couldn't find the books that I was thinking of getting..

"Couldn't find much" translates as ten books.. HAHHAHAHHA!
Cookbooks goes for around 20-30 Ringgit.. Novels are mostly RM8.
I suppose it's better to go with an open mind.. Not really looking for anything specific because trying to search for it would be a nightmare! So today's total damage was about RM100.. and I completely forgot to use the RM10 off voucher that I got just before entering the hall!

I mean, what was that?? Feels like my mind is deteriorating..
But Encem just coolly said, "then maybe we'll go there again.."
hmmm.. Maybe. If payday comes early. I really hope that it does because I'm grasping for air again..

Gahh!! I hate how this is a constant trouble of mine at the end of every month.
It's like I'm twenty-eight and I never learn..
HAHAHHAHA!

Oh!

Yesterday was my birthday?
Pffft..

That is to say that I had the worst birthday yet.
I don't know.. Something about birthdays that simply get to me.
Messes with me to the core.
Funny how I feel fine today.

I say fine, not great. Just fine. Nothing to shout about.
Nothing else to say. Feels like yesterday somehow marred my whole being. A nagging feeling that I won't ever feel great.

Oh well, maybe I'm wrong.
I'd love to be wrong.

Zzzz

I basically slept the whole day of yesterday. Or at least it feels like it.
Got home from work at half past one, fell asleep after five, woke up around noon, fell asleep again after dusk, woken up around ten, fell right back to sleep, and now I just had my shower.. After midnight.
Gahhh!
I totally wasted the my day off yesterday. I know I wouldn't want to go out when it was a Selangor public holiday but I should've at least de-clutter my room! It's annoying to get a day off on a public holiday.
And now I feel like I should take a little more nap before I need to get ready for work.

Days had been uneventful.
Dida asked me what I want for my birthday. Totally cheating, but I finally figured out that I wanted a favour for my birthday. It's starting to feel a bit complicated, so I think I'm going to just cancel that.

Yeaaah.. so my birthday is coming up. For what ever reason I feel like crying when I think about it.
Perhaps I should try getting that nap now. I don't feel like talking it out while I try to figure out why I feel like crying.

Update!

Update on my previous post;

1. Nothing really good at Clark's warehouse sale. Perhaps everything was sold out, but I was hoping to find a pair of ladies boots but none of them looked good.
2. I spent RM300 at LaSenza while they had that 50% off when you buy 10 items offer. Whoops!
3. After calling and visiting FOURTEEN Clinique places, I finally found the Chubby Sticks set that I've been looking for at Isetan, Lot 10!

So glad that the search was over.

To think that I still have one left of last year's set! Bahahhahaha!
I wonder how next year's set would look like. I gotta remind myself to keep a look out for it early November so I won't have to search around like a mad woman again..

4. I haven't bought anything from Typo yet.. But I don't exactly need anything right now so I can wait.. The things that I usually want always go for less after a while anyway.
I suppose it's weird, but what I had in mind is the glitter-tape.. I have this odd fixation for wrappers and ribbons for the sole purpose of gift wrapping! Even when I was younger, while others collected stamps or erasers, I collect wrapping papers!

Today is my second day off and I'd already lounged the whole of yesterday.. Guess I should really do something useful today.
I really should sort out my wardrobe!

Stop. Shop.

Clinique Chubby Sticks.

Typo.

LaSenza 50% Off.

Clarks Warehouse Sale.

Shit.

Year-End Sales are hell scary.

Dear God, guide me away from things that I don't need.

I guess we are certain that I'm getting the Clinique Chubby Stick Christmas gift set. I am telling myself not to buy it if it costs more that RM150. I'll try to remind myself that as much as I can. Even if I call it as my birthday present. I'll try to be strong.

Please let it be less than RM150!

I think I spent RM120 on last year's set.

I can never say no to things from Typo.

I haven't bought anything from LaSenza for MONTHS! It's time, really..

Then there's Clarks warehouse sale happening somewhere in Damansara that ends this Sunday! Really wanted to see what's there.. But I'm afraid that I might not be able to go! Grrr..

Y-E-S are scaryyyyy!!!

Cynical.

Okay, so Bestie said something to me last night that kinda bothered me. It wasn't his intention, but honestly it just opened my eyes a bit.

I know how cynical and unhappy I sound in my blog.. but it's not really as if I'm incapable of happiness. Funny how I am more eloquent when I'm expressing unhappiness. To be honest, I am just scared.
It always feels like happiness just loves to run around in my presence, so I simply don't talk about it for fear of spooking it.

Dida and I had a conversation the other day. I told her that I've recently realized that my psychological trait were really based on the environment I grew up in. (Yes, very Freudian.) Being the youngest, I feel small and timid to a point where I feel unimportant sometimes. That I don't matter.
That's the usual case with me and Encem honestly.
When he didn't let me in on his plans.. when he didn't call or text..
Feels like I'm so easily forgotten.

To be honest though, I don't really need someone to call me every hour. I don't need someone who feels the need to tell me that he's going to take a piss. I am not the kind of girl who needs to text her partner that she's going to turn off her phone for work. (A very typical case among the cabin crew, believe it or not!)
I honestly love the freedom that I have, being with Encem.

Things just gets ugly when I am particularly missing him.
Or I'm exceptionally hormonal.
Or I'm troubled..
Bestie is probably tired of hearing me complain and saying that I need to be apart from Encem.

It's not like he doesn't love me. Honestly I can feel it every single time I'm with him. I honestly hope that I am giving off the same feeling too. If so happens that we do not end up together.. it won't be for the lack of love. I did told Dida that.
She asked if that is enough for me -- if love is enough.
All I could say is that most times, it is.

Don't you find it odd that I am talking about love, but somehow I managed to sound so cynical?
I really am a hopeful cynic. Depending on the day that you get to talk to me. Just so happens that I am more cynical than hopeful today. heehee.

I hate doctors.

The nerve of them sometimes.

So it's flu season. Pretty typical in the monsoon, I guess. Really hot during the day, followed by heavy rain in the evening. Good thing we weren't made of stone or we would've crumbled into sands..
Okay, I'm crapping.

Been having the flu for five days now. I guess it's getting better. Ever so slightly.
Took medical leave on my HYD flight on Wednesday. Not too happy with that since I appreciate all the flights I can get but my nose were completely blocked!
When I asked for leave, the doctor totally pissed me off when he said, "okay what, take the meds and in two hours you'll be fine."
I didn't really mean to raise my voice, (that's a lie) when I said, "manaaa.. tak pernah.. Never happen!"
Honestly, kang aku kata tak gi skolah, marah.. But sometimes these panel doctors are just too dumb to be doctors!

I think I know my body better than some doctor I've only met twice, thank you very much.
As far as flu meds goes.. NONE of them ever make me sleep.
The flu meds that my dad swears on; he takes a half of it and he'd be sleeping in half an hour. I took it whole, and it does NOTHING on me!
My sleep-troubles are that bad, I guess.
So yeah, two hours.. MY ASS!

I took my meds before I got into my pick up for my RGN flight this morning, and my nose were runny the whole day!
And all the way I was wishing having that bloody doctor all tied up at the last row of the aircraft with a runny nose.. Dua jam, TOK MU!

Anyway, times like these I am glad I'll be at the lounge come Monday. I finished my flight four hours ago and I still can't hear a thing coming in from my left ear. Really, flu and flight just don't mix! They're murder. Just thinking about the pulsing headache during the descent is giving me the shivers.

Lelah hati.

Came home feeling feverish.. excited to finally try out the digital thermometre I bought a while back.. only to find that the big plastic bag that it was in has gone.

Just as I blogged about spending money that I barely had..

I am so SO tired of life right now.
Can't I just be HAPPY, for God's sake?!!!

Money matters.

Spent the little money that I barely have on a skirt earlier.
I am the worst person to talk to about saving money!
In my defence, I think of it as therapy. I do feel good after buying it. I've been wanting a decent, nowhere-near-hoochie denim skirt for a while.
Just a little guilty knowing that I don't really have to buy it now NOW..
Oh well..

Have I told you that I don't like pants?
Long ones especially. I don't even like wearing jeans. I even have a personal grudge towards Levi's for making me feel fat everytime I tried on their jeans.
And even when my pajamas comes with a long bottom, I always end up folding it up to my knees.
Yeah, I don't like pants.

So I'm glad that I bought the skirt. My shorts needs a rest. So does my VS maxi skirts.
Now I just have to figure out how to survive the rest of the month..

I hate having to work at the lounge for this.
I remember complaining about the lack of livelihood after I had spend so much on Lomo cameras, La Senza lingeries, Clinique chubby sticks.. VS clothes and other things I got online.
Now I complain after getting ONE little skirt!

It sucks..
I want to go back to flying full time again. Where there is no apparent office politics.. where I don't have to miss an overnight in some place because I'd just been there.. Where I could bump into awesome colleagues that I'd still want to go out with even when I'm sick!
(That's what happened last night, by the way.)

I'm feeling worse now, in case you're wondering. The flu meds I've been taking didn't seem to be working at all! I reckon the cigarettes and karaoke last night wasn't helping either.
Suppose I should get to bed early tonight. Call time is at 0520, and I sure hope that my boogers would stop running down my nose by then.
I'm happy that I'll be going home tomorrow.. can't wait to hide under the covers of my own bed!

Kick me when I'm down.

Today is the first of my three days trip in BKI, and I've been sneezing like hell!

Suppose I am due for some kind of sickness. The last time I was sick enough to have to see a doctor was in May. (The one in August was faking sickness, I have to admit.)

Not loving the partially blocked nose.
Serves me for having such lousy sleep lately.

I'm not in the greatest mood.

Feeling lonely mostly. Bestie has been hanging out with his girl and his new friends. Encem's too busy with what ever that he's been doing.. while I stuck around for who knows what.

Feels like all Encem has is just enough time to have a fight with me.

It's getting really old.

Apparently all that I've been feeling were feelings alone.

Encem actually SAID that I should use my head instead.

I think I should kick his balls for just saying that.

Thank you for belittling my bloody feelings, B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D!!

Honestly I hate blogging about this like a friggin' teenager. I should have used my brain a long long time ago. It's been a while since I last felt that we were good for each other.

If only my heart would just stop...

It's sad that I'm rooting for doomsday at the end of this year.

Sure, there's a bunch of things I'd like to do first before I die. Places to be.. to see.

Make my existence count.

But at what cost? My heart getting trampled every other day??

I couldn't take it.

And I don't hate my life THAT much to actually take it away myself. So... Armageddon, come on!

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHA!!

Yeah, I know I'm dark.
I really should seek professional's help.

48 hours..

Today is the third day I'm on the morning shift..
I've only slept for an average of three hours for the past three nights.
I am zombie-like.
And in dire need to pour my thoughts out after a mere twelve days of blog-fast.

A bunch of things happened the last 48 hours.
They're just.. TOO weird..

I went to Midvalley by myself on Wednesday. Encem had some adult-like things to do so I had to get back home on my own.
So I stood in line for a taxi and there were four people in front of me. A cab stopped and asked the first person where she was heading -- he wouldn't go there. He asked the second, he shook his head. Asked the third and said no. He looked at me and I told him my destination, he motioned to come in.

The taxi driver was a friendly guy, we chatted a bit.. and I couldn't remember how, but at one point I directed him to take a wrong path that led us into Maju Expressway (MEX). Yepp, it was 9pm and I was well on the way to the airport!! *screams*
I laughed it off, naturally. The driver laughed along with me and asked if I smoke to which I said yes. He then stopped at the emergency lane so I could switch place to the front seat and we both smoked as we drove along. As I watched the meter running, I thanked God that my payday was just the day before.
Had a really good chat with that guy. Sure, it was a pricey chat but I didn't really mind. I could still laugh about it and he found it odd that I could.

The next morning I was positioned to do Meet&Greet (M&G), which is a task where I had to meet up with passengers from the check-in counter and assist them to the lounge. (Some BS if you ask me, but it's a wonderful reason to play hookie!)
I had to assist this group of four to the lounge. I was kinda lousy at it but I somehow managed to have a little conversation with one of the ladies. Turns out they were travelling to get materials for her daughter's upcoming wedding. At the boarding gate, she dug her cabin bag and took out her iPad to show me the engagement pictures.
Oh and she tipped me, for some reason! The same amount that I paid for the taxi ride the previous night. hahahha! I was really glad for that.

Then somewhere along the day I was caught smoking where I shouldn't have smoked..
Good thing my ID wasn't confiscated!

Then I was asked to extend my hour to do an M&G of a VVIP (which is something that I truly hate!). ick! I really just hate doing VVIPs.. For one, I don't understand how they became all that IP. They're definitely not important to me.. and the protocols!! UGHHH!!

So I went along with it anyway. Plus, I had the coordinator with me!
I didn't have any trouble getting along with the officials.. talked about football and stuff. And then we were informed that the aircraft is delayed by an hour....
The coordinator asked me if I'd like to stay or head home. You think???

I walked away from the place so fast that I managed to catch the usual ERL train that I take.. Feeling oh-so-lucky to get away.
...but as I was 5 minutes away from my stop, the train stopped and the recorded announcement told us that we've stopped due to technical problems. The train driver/engineer(?) somehow came into the coach from outside and went into the driver's room right behind where I was seated with a colleague.
This colleague of mine somehow heard him saying "dead body" to another engineer.
I was skeptical, of course..

It took almost forty minutes for us to get back to the previous station and change trains. By the time we got to the point where we'd stopped earlier, the train slowed down and changed tracks. We were standing right next to a window so we saw it..

A black shoe.. A clump of pink.. half of a head.. tangled up body.. a foot.. and an arm.....

Yeaaaaaaah.....
That's a horrible way to go.
A horrible thing to see.
Just horrible, really.

And now I'm home alone.. Two nights in a row! Truly hating it. But everybody got their lives, so.. let me just sulk here quietly as I try to cast away yesterday's image.
Having sleep-problems is just not helping!!

Still sick.

Perhaps I'll never be cured.

I'm at a point where I get irked when other people reveals my relationship status to the ones who asked.
I'm just annoyed.
Mostly because I don't even know what my relationship status is.

"It's complicated" just seems lazy.

I know I'm not whole-heartedly in love. Not really. Or at least I don't feel like I am since I'm angry most of the time. I mean, honestly.. would you say that you're in love if you feel like hitting your partner's face with a chair every other day?
I think not.

Lately I just feel used.. and I'm spent.
Feels like I've been talking to a wall for three fucking years.

Dear God, what am I waiting for here?

Aren't you tired..

Thought of pouring my heart out.

But I thought you'd be tired of reading me nag, so I deleted what ever that I had typed.

I am simply calling this chapter of my life; I-AM-SICK-OF-LOVING-YOU.

May I just say..

Tumblr makes me feel like an artist..

Having random people 'like' and 'reblog' my doodles kinda picks up my self-esteem..
Does that make me vain?

Oh well, maybe I kinda am.

Clouded.

Kota Kinabalu or PARKROYAL?
Apparently there's an open interview at PARKROYAL this coming Saturday..
I am scheduled for a Kota Kinabalu night stop that Saturday...

Dida's been telling me to find another job.
Mama said something the other day that sounded like her blessing for me to go away.
And I never said anything about wanting to get a different job, let alone relocate myself someplace else.

I hate talking about this but it's been running around my mind.

Feels like everyone's moving on but me.
Still stuck. Ever-stagnant.
And I can't shake off my sadness.. which makes me want to just run away.. far far away.
But my heart just aches when I imagine myself doing so.

A part of me wish to stay. Glue myself to the ground.
But a part of me, that is so lonely.. keeps on saying that I might as well go somewhere where I am actually alone. What's the point of being around people who can't even distract you from your self-destructive thoughts, right?

sigh.
I wish I'm not feeling as lousy as I do now.
And as honest as I can be on this blog, I wish I could say out loud what I am really thinking.. feeling...
I wish..
I just wish.....

Distant.

I can't seem to shake off my funk.
So I am taking a few steps back.
I haven't forgiven you yet. Maybe not ever..

All these while I've only asked for a bit of sensitivity from your side.
I've tried my very best to understand you, and now I am simply growing weary of trying.
I am tired of apologizing for my own wants and needs.
This really is not what I had imagined for myself.

Promises are called promises for a reason.
I've come to terms that you tend to say things without meaning them.

I am hurt, and you have no clue.
I won't even lie to you by telling you that I'm fine.
I am not fine.
And if you had to ask why, then obviously you've learnt nothing for the past three years.

I can't help but feel that this.. us.. has an expiration date.
If my heart keeps on hurting..
I just can't keep myself in this loop forever.

Mumblr.

Midnight shift in reception.
Of course.
I have a feeling that I'm going to be placed here a lot in the future. Mostly because this is the only position where I'd do any actual work. Not much time walking around the terminal aimlessly, chit-chatting with the check-in staff and take ten minutes smoking breaks that lasts twenty.

A tad sleep-deprived to be honest.
I came back from yesterday night's midnight shift, had breakfast with Encem, took a quick shower and headed out with Mumu until 6pm! Now here I am at work, with a mere two-hour sleep. Ada beran?
Encem finds me weird that I could keep myself awake for as long as I did.

Had good fun with Mumu.. just catching up, looked up and down for Ezra's birthday present, did our nails and had sushi for lunch -- which explains the minimal rest.
How is it that I'm barely alive trying to maintain a life? sigh.

Recently I was reminded why I had created a Tumblr account some time ago. Mostly because I was missing Lifelogger. I never knew what happened to that site. Or what happened to all the things I've posted there. Or the people that I've interacted with through the site.
Anyway, I still love the bit where I could upload songs on it. (Referring to Tumblr now.) But I'm just too old to have my thoughts scattered all over the place.

Not loving that I'm here all by myself at the moment. I could feel that my thoughts are deteriorating. I just hope that these passengers would understand my jumbled up words.

Not so random.

I was telling Bestie (yeah... whatevs *sticks out tongue*) earlier that I'd be the most-broke that I've ever been when I would have to exchange my sole Euro note that I've kept since 2006.
I think that's the second-most.
I'd be the most-broke if I had to actually ask for a loan from Dida. I already owe her loads. She pays for my stuff all the time. But I've never actually ask her for a loan. For things, sure. But for food, never. *sigh*
I hope that day would never come.

Encem is basically supporting me this past week. Thank God that I have him around. I thank God that he'd offered to help me out because honestly I wouldn't know how to ask. I could joke to him about how other girls gets "pocket money" from their boyfriends but I could never really ask him for it.
Even Bestie's been helping me out.
Dear God, I hope I won't fall to my death tomorrow! I need to pay back all my debts first, please.

Remember how a while back I was telling you about an ex who got married, and the other one was engaged? So.. the one who was engaged tied the knot last weekend. I'm having mixed feeling over it. After all, he'd been my middle-man when we go to weddings of our friends; he'd socialize with other people while I just tag along him.
That's how I am at weddings anyway. Because I hate going to weddings. I need to have someone close to hide behind.

And to be completely honest with you.. I've always thought of him as my back-up guy.
Yes, boys.. Most girls (if not all) always have somebody that they thought of as a "back-up".. If everything (read: everyone) else fails.
I've met other guys.. dated a few.. but this one remained as my back-up. Not because that I've been secretly in love with him, nothing like that. He simply seemed.. like the safest choice. I feel bad for thinking of him that way, after all he's a wonderful person. In a way I am glad that he's off the market. And I am very happy that he's found the one.
I am just.. confused, ever so slightly. Feels like I'd lost a really good friend. And I didn't go to his wedding, by the way.
I hadn't been to five of my good friends' wedding. I shouldn't call myself as anybody's friend really.

Anyway, I don't feel like I am anywhere close to getting married. Not really in a rush. Still not completely convinced if I want to. But I can definitely say that I feel the pressure.

Alif sucks!

Dear Bestie,

I am demoting you from "bestfriend" to a mere mortal friend.
Just so you know.
You suck!
*sticks out tongue*

Yours truly,
W

Cigar smokes and business talks.

Hello again.

I am at reception today which means blogging on company's time. Yayyy! Bahahahahha!!

Nothing much going on really. I came in late for the first time today. Encem woke me up at 6:35 -- and I was supposed to come in at 7:00! So.. yeah.. Guess I'm going to have to stay past my scheduled work time. pfft!
Work's been slow.. boring..
I miss flying.
Especially since I had an awesome set of crew last week! I love the crazies..

My holiday too was awesome. Encem and Bestie couldn't make it so my sister and I had a good girl's time out. Sure, eleven days stuck with Dida bound to cause some friction. Bahahahha! But that's just how we are. Quarrel now, make up an hour later.

We spent four days in Ho Chi Minh shopping and walking around. We went to the Cu Chi Tunnels in one of those days. That was pretty neat. I suppose it's hard to go there and not feel amazed by the Vietnamese will to live and fight for their rights/freedom. Like seriously.. can you imagine all those years living in a hole in the ground??
And apparently the ones who were allowed to come out were the fighters. So yeah, unless you're willing to die -- just be glad that you could LIVE underground.

Halal food is not hard to find in Ho Chi Minh, but they are expensive in comparison. Can't blame them, Islam is not that popular around Indochina.

Then we flew to Bangkok, where we took a cab straight to Pattaya. Spent a couple of days there. Surprised to see Premium Outlet; where I bought a La Senza nighty for 220 Baht! Score! heehee.
The taxi (a makeshift truck that acts as a bus, really) around Pattaya was damn cheap. Basically if you just hopped onto one, you'll have to pay 20 Baht per person -- even if the ride actually takes 20 minutes! If you hire one for "private" use, as in no sharing with other people; no stops in between the time you were picked up and your destination, it'll cost you 150 Baht.
Halal food in Pattaya; perhaps we were simply out of luck, but damn! Pretty much all of the ones we saw were closed!

Our day in Bangkok was nothing more than short. We might have to go there again to actually experience the culture other than the horrible traffic jam. The foodcourt in MBK Mall has a few selection of Halal stalls so that was awesome! (Always bear in mind that it's not going to be cheap!)
We did manage to have a look at the Arab Street, and yes, I will never enjoy places (or even flights!) where Arabs are involved! hahahahaha!
You might call that racist, but I call it profiling. So suck it!

Our last leg of the trip was to Phuket -- it was awesome!
Mostly because the hotel we were staying in had pool access! Bahahahha! Open the sliding door and simply jump into the pool! yippeee! Turned out that the beaches were too dangerous to swim in anyway. Unless you're an experienced swimmer, with no worry of the strong currents. My sister and I weren't that confident so we settled with the pool and just waded by the ocean.

Basically we had an awesome trip. Managed to visit all the Hard Rock Cafes that had sparked this trip in the first place! hahahahha! yeah, I know how ridiculous it sounds, to go on a trip simply because we are HRC collectors. Me with the pins, Dida with her tees. But it's awesome that we have this shared hobby. *grins*

Anyway, my time here is up! yaaayyyz! I love how writing kills my time here at the lounge.
Perhaps I'll upload some pictures when I get home later. Just perhaps..

Hello!

Yes, I'm back in town.
Back from my holiday.
Back from my flying week.
Back to my bloody work at the stupid lounge.

Still not in the mood to write though. I just got the chance to upload some Eid pictures on Facebook. It took me almost half a day.. so it's going to take me a lot longer to update anything on my holiday!
Just thought I'd say hello to those of you who actually drop by to see if there is any update in here.
Sorry to disappoint.
But I promise to write something sometime along the week.

A quick one.

Last day in Ho Chi Minh City..

It hasn't been a great start to the day.. so I'm moody.
I'll write again when I find my mood.
Maybe I'm just tired.
I HOPE it's only because I am tired, because honestly if it's something else then I would have a bad attitude for the rest of this trip!

I'll write again soon hopefully.
pffft!
Just feeling so shitty despite being on "holiday".

On the job.

I think I've once said that I love the fact that I didn't call my work as "work"..
A job that I wouldn't call a "job".
I suppose I need to take it back, now.

I never minded working on holidays or the weekends, but I now find myself irked by it.
If I am forced to be working on ground, why am I deprived of lazing in the weekends? Right?

I know that I've been complaining a lot. To be honest, I am just bored.. I am simply demotivated to wake up everyday.. put on my uniform.. making my way to work, but really going nowhere. I feel stuck.

Encem did his last flight yesterday.. I saw his name on the "Resigned list" at the office and couldn't help myself feeling sad about it. It's like an end of an era of some sorts.
The gang started out with 6; one got married and had a baby.. one left for medical reasons.. and Encem left because he was.. bored? Frustrated..? I don't know..
I honestly don't know how to answer to people's questions about him.
Sure, he's my boy.. but I don't feel right to say anything about his life. I don't know, maybe we are an odd sort of couple.

Anyway, then there's three.. Mumu, Bestie and I..
Mumu's married, so at least there's some kind of a progress there. So now there's just us two, Bestie!
What are we going to do with our lives...?

Oh well.. that sounds like something to think deeply about.. In someplace awaaay from the workplace! Definitely not from the spot where I am right now. hehe.
An ex of mine tied the knot today. One is engaged, now one is married.. Good thing I only have four ex-es. And good thing that I have no idea about the other two of them. This is as stagnant as I'm willing to be!

I'm looking forward to my holiday with Dida! Just two days away.. I'm excited!
Now.. two and a half hours to go before I get to go home!

First day of Eid.

27-years old, and today was the first time that I had to spend the first of Syawal away from home.
I wish I was in someplace new and exciting but no, I had to work at the lounge from seven 'til four! It's sad...
What's sadder is that I'll be working on the same hours tomorrow.

I'm really not crazy about my life right now. My feet hurts, my mind's wary for getting shitty sleep at night. I've been getting less than 3 hours of sleep for the past couple of nights, and I don't know why. I just can't seem to get my eyes shut.

The only awesome thing about anything is the bit where my family packed me a HUGE feast of Raya-food the previous night for me to enjoy here.
I feel like a kid for being spoiled this way..
Sadly, I am simply too tired now to heat them up and no one is around to enjoy it with/for me.

Anyway, I thank God for my family..
Thank God that time and time again I am forgiven for my faults and sins; that my family takes my crap, yet still loves me.
I probably don't deserve any of it, but thank God!

Alhamdulillah...

And as for you readers, I pray that you'll have a good Syawal.. I apologize for my tactlessness in my entries and all those vulgar words I threw in every chance that I get..
Selamat Hari Raya!

Heart-headache.

I chose a song from the playlist in the player..
It wasn't something that I've heard before. It was slow, jazzy and sounded romantic. Intimate.
I walked towards the bedroom, the door was slightly ajar.
I peeked through and saw the back of a plump woman with long wavy hair getting out of bed, wearing an oversized shirt and nothing else.
I moved to my right to see the rest of the bedroom and met with a disappointment as I saw him in bed topless, the crumpled bedsheet covering his privates. A smile stretched across his face as he looked on to the woman who was moving about the room.

I was invisible to them. He was oblivious of me standing there, staring, gaping...
Screaming inside.

...aaand that was my cue to wake up!

I call this, "Mimpi yang sangat babi".
Of course when I told Encem about it he assured me that it was just a dream.
Sure sure.. it was a dream. Doesn't mean that I could just forget about it. The emotions were real. Or at least felt SO real to me. I was so confused.. still is, to be truth. And upset. Mostly because I don't know how to let it go. And knowing that it isn't really Encem's fault to begin with.

Just a day after I told Bestie that I haven't had a dream in a while; at least none that I could remember to talk about in the morning...
THIS!
After months, probably.. I had to dream about THIS! Of Encem's infidelity.
grrrrr...

Though it was just a dream.. I am still disappointed. So disappointed that I don't feel like smiling or even try to laugh about it.
I think I've told Encem plenty of times before to always be honest with me. Even if honesty is going to hurt me. That if he ever got bored of me, he should say it to me first before going out to find other sources of entertainment.

Perhaps I should remind him this.

Anyway, I know for a fact that I've been feeling lonely lately. Work's been all too consuming that we mostly spend our free time sleeping.
I honestly need a good, long vacation. And a conversation that is worth my time.

Short breaks and distractions just doesn't cut it anymore.

Bak pungguk rindukan bulan..

I'm on my flying week!
Wooooohoooooo!!!
I cannot tell you how good it is to be flying again. I needed my dose of the aerial view of the world oh-so badly!!
Not too keen that the weather's been hazy, but I'll take whatever that I can get!

It's so gooood to be going somewhere again. To talk about travelling.. Evening plans, be it only in Kuching.. Vent as much as I want about my days in the lounge.. Hear others vent about their flights not having enough crew.. Joke about passengers.. Everything!
I've missed it all..

I absolutely love that I flew with friends today.. Bumped into (walked by at the corner of a small hallway, really) my favourite leading in the morning; I gasped out of surprise -- should've at least said hi -- he responded with a chuckle.. Thanks!
I've come to terms that I might actually, honestly, have a little crush on him. Teehee!

I really hope that I could fly full-time again soon.. Before I get too tired of it all.
I'm tired that I have no time for anything while I'm working at the lounge. Freakin' forty two hours a week is just mad!! Freakin' forty two hours a week for three bloody weeks in a month is just fucked up, I tell you!
We are a damn fine bunch of flight attendants and the company had clipped our wings. Just thinking about it gets me all worked up.

Friends are leaving for the 'other' airline. Can't say that I'm unaffected. My only reason for staying now is my sheer refusal to join THAT airline.
I still want to fly..
I still want to travel..
I still want to find things I could laugh about in random people..
Sigh.

I'd hate to seem disloyal, but I need to find my happy place again.

The last straw.

"I poured my heart out into an empty coffee cup, you drank it up and left me here to drown, alone.."
Dumb Like That by Vroom.

Apalah aku nak buat nieee...

I'm in a horrible rut.
In a dire need of change. A huge need to do something that I'm contemplating to shave my head. ha-ha!
Feels like I always go to bed in a bad mood.
Severely unhappy. And hopeless. And hateful.

I deserve so much more than this.

Tekanan Perasaan.

Dah start keje "baru" dua hari..

Although dalam kepala takde laa rasa letih sangat, emosi terasa kurang stabil.

Tanda tanda keletihan yang menyusup dalam diam.

Also the fact that I'm surrounded by mangkuk hayun.

First day on the job aku dah dapat name card seorang pakcik (of course!) yang janji nak bawak aku jalan kalau aku ke Canton.

Aku pun tatau kenapa jejaka yang muda mudi tak pernah nak ajak aku berbual.

At the same time, aku tahu exactly kenapa aku layan pakcik pakcik ni..

As for this pakcik, aku respect the fact that he's 70 years old, but could easily pass as early 50's. Chinese, six-footer, travelled the world, family around the continent, still very much in love with his wife after forty years of marriage.

Dia nasihatkan aku untuk enjoy life, jangan cepat sangat settle down. Sama je macam Papa cakap kat aku dulu dulu time aku baru nak start menggatal.

Boleh tahan lama aku layan pakcik ni, bebudak lain lalu lalang dok tengook je aku. But I can't help myself when somebody shares their philosophy with me. Pakcik ni dok pegang the same cracker with cheese entah berapa lama sebab asyik sangat berbual.

Pakcik ni pesan kat aku, bila nak cari pasangan, cari somebody yang sama 70% dengan aku..

Perbedaan yang terlalu besar akan create jurang in time. As time passes, your interests may change so the percentage pun akan berubah. Kebarangkalian untuk that percentage menurun adalah lebih tinggi, so kalau turun jadi 60%.. still okaylah -- bak kata dia. Kelakar juga bila fikir yang dia masukkan unsur matematik dalam mencari pasangan, but to me it made total sense.

He's been happily married for forty years, after all.

Dia still buy presents for his wife. Flowers and chocolates, just because. And while he was saying all this, he had this look that convinced me that he was speaking the truth.

I couldn't hide my surprise so he said;

Marriage is not an institution, it's an extension of the courtship..

..and at that time mata aku start berair.

Betapa skeptical nya aku selama ni sampai a simple line buat aku tersentuh.

Memang wujud rupanya orang macam ni.

Mungkin aku tersentuh sebab aku tahu memang itu lah yang aku carik.

40 years of marriage.. And choosing to be in it, every single day.

Aku mengaku aku tak jumpa lagi. And now mata aku berair lagi, sebab aku tahu what that exactly means..

These days aku rasa macam aku slowly letting go of life. I am not the captain of my life any longer. Sama macam keje aku.

Bila orang tanya aku nak stay ke walaupun kene buat keje merepek ni, jawapan aku senantiasa "stay dulu.. for now."

I wish I had a different answer. One that is more certain. I wish I am more certain of what I really want in life. I want to choose to live every single day. But my general view of life now is just.. "whatever.."

It's probably been half a decade since I first made the wish but up to this day, I still find myself longing for "happiness".

I'm jealous of that pakcik. I'm tearing up out of jealousy. Sure, I never knew what he'd gone through to get to this part of his life. Where he talks about his family with such affection and fondness. Tapi aku nak itu, please.

I want to stop the longing.

I want to be proud of myself.

I want to stop questioning about my choices in life every other day.

I want to stop wishing for a partial amnesia.

I don't want to end up regretting this past few years in the future.

Most of all, aku tak nak lagi tetiba nangis denga lagu Enrique Iglesias.. of all people!

Aurora..

Of all the things that I read about the shooting..
One fact stuck in my mind;

The shooter's birthday was 13th December..

I pointed this out to Papa, told him to watch his back and he responded;
"..but the shooting is at a cinema..."

When I pointed that to Dida, she said;
"He's a guy.. (Sagittarius) guys are different."

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHA!!
I love my family for that.

Dead Hearts.

I'd been secretly asking for a change.
But this isn't exactly what I had in mind. People say to be careful of what you wish for -- and I know, this had never been my wish. It isn't mine, and I shall not blame myself for it.

I haven't even started my new job and I am not at all looking forward to it. All the stories I've heard, seeing Encem plopped onto the sofa the second he gets home.. Bestie feeling all low..
I don't see how I could start with a single positive thought in my mind.

I am demotivated, demoralized and definitely deteriorating.
I'm simply not in love.

Except the fact that I'm having some sort of a get-away at the moment, being in Shah Alam. Seeing Dida and the parents everyday makes me feel like the troubles at the workplace is somewhat a distant memory. This, I love. I am safe here.. for now.

I can say it, but you won't you believe me.
You say you do, but you don't deceive me.
It's hard to know they're out there,
It's hard to know that you still care.
I can say it, but you won't you believe me.
You say you do, but you don't deceive me.
Dead hearts are everywhere!
--Stars

I'm trying..

It's days like these when I find myself trying.. struggling, to cast away the spoiled brat in me.

Let's just say that I'm not having any fun.
Just as I was looking forward to this day.
I had wanted to get my hands on the bloody coffee machine but everyone else can't seem to get their hands off it!!
So yeah.. I'm a brat.
And now I'm just uninterested.

I suppose I should've expected this. I should have expected that I would be disappointed instead.
I suppose at this point I should have expected that I won't be having any fun the moment I took a step out the door.
Pffft! What was I thinking.

I know, I know.. I shouldn't be making such a big deal about this but like I said, I'm a brat..

O yeah, thank you for reading me rant. I'm just killing time until I get to go back!

Hello.

Thought for the day...

Plato said; Be kind, as everyone is fighting a harder battle than you.



So what if you're fighting a losing battle..?

Never here.

I know I've been quiet.
It's been a week filled with disappointments.
I suppose I'll take the most recent thing to write about;

My Maybank debit card's details was somehow stolen.
After a year of breezy, unproblematic shopping online.. two days ago my statement showed me an unauthorized purchase to Amazon -- a store which I had never bought anything from.
Yeah, I'm pissed.
I've talked to Maybank. But apparently I still need to make an official report -- with a form and pen.
I've emailed Amazon and I really hope that they could help me get back my money.
I tried asking the Boyfriend to help me get to the bank.. but I guess he's too busy to help out.

He's never around when I am feeling my lowest.
I guess I have that to think about.

Training hadn't been great either.
Sure, I understood whatever crap that they taught us. All the questions that I voiced out was not out of interest. I simply wanted to make my life easier in the future. I'm a total nerd that way.

Anyway. I'm sad. And angry. Just upset, really.
So I think I'll just head to bed early tonight.

Sorry if this isn't the post that you're expecting after a week of silence...
I'm just bored of being stuck.

Sleepless.

I stumbled upon an old article about Halal meats being used in McDonald's in a western country.. and how it made such a big issue.
My first thought; why the hate?
Some of the issues brought up was that slaughtering is cruel -- stunning is more humane.
There's even a comment that Muslims have middle-age notion for that.

....

Then I read a comment how the issue came down to Judaism and Christianity forbade both Jews and Christians from eating meat sacrificed to another God.
That made me chuckle a bit.
I suppose everyone has their beliefs. I happen to believe that there is ONE God... we just happen to call Him by different names.

And then there's one that believed pork could be Halal.
THAT was just too funny.
In case there's anyone who has no Muslim friends and is not at all familiar with Halal meat stumbled upon this entry, here's the four-one-one;

Muslims can eat meat -- only if they are slaughtered in the Muslim way.
Seafood is pretty much Halal; they have no necks to slaughter anyway.
Pork will never be Halal.
Of course there's a little more to it, like there are certain animals that we can't eat even if we slaughter it.. but I myself have forgotten a huge chuck of that, so I would simply decline any offers to crocodile or tiger's meat. Something about animals with fangs and claws and lives in two habitats..

Oh well, two goals for Spain so far..
I didn't watch a single game of this year's EURO.. How times have changed.