"Taik kucing mentah"

Mama celebrated her 53rd birthday yesterday and it was hilarious! I asked Khai (our server for the night) for the complementary brownie for her and he asked for her name to fill the end part of that birthday song, we reckoned. The thing is, our family isn't really keen about this kind of attention -- we'd like the brownie please, but spare the song. So I told Khai that Mama's name was.. "Mama".

Some minutes later, Khai and some other bunch of guys came over with the brownie with candles on top and sang, "..happy birthday to youu, happy birthday to MAMAAA.."
hahahha!! Man, I love that dude! (He's got a reaaaally nice talking-voice; he could repeat my orders all night long and I wouldn't mind.)


Abang Min and the kiddies weren't around due to bad traffic, but we had fun squeezing at the booth. It's always fun when both of my sisters are around. Jokes sounds funnier somehow. I'd like to think that we have a special kind of dynamics; me dishing out the silly, goofy jokes, Dida added a few stuff of her own and Nina completing the story with her elevated sense of vocabulary (being 4 points smarter and all..)


We even teased Mama everytime she lags a bit at grasping our jokes -- she's the youngest daughter among her siblings, after all.


Anyway, that "raw cat poop" was my mom's statement when she saw a particularly wet cat poop in front of Nina's house when we sent her back to Seremban. It was funny, Dida then asked her if she'd seen a cooked cat poop.
Also, last night I got my HRC-tee replacement! I should probably try to re-wash (again and again if I must) my Paris HRC-tee in the hopes of salvaging it. It's been a week, I should be over the sadness right?


It's been a really nice night... I'm loving it.

For the record, I'm now a converted Flock user. I've managed to import all my bookmarks. (Export them into HTML > Import to del.icio.us to bunch them all up without having any repeated links; the bookmarks from Opera and IE > Export them into HTML to Desktop > finally Import the HTML file to Flock's Favorites Manager) Quite the hassle, I don't know if there's any easier way but that's all I could think of and it works! It's not like I have anything else better to do anyway..
But I'm blogging this on the Blogger site -- still easier to include photos with the text.

edited on 3:53 AM.
p.s= I found another good reason to not go and see James Morrison on Live & Loud -- I might just cry and DIE if he performs Better Man. I think that's the only song that ever made me need.. WANT SO BADLY to have a man by my side! (Preferably a man who plays the guitar and sings exactly like JM though..) Pahh! I might change my mind later.. maybe it isn't so bad to cry then die for that, yeah?

The upside to everything.

It feels odd saying that, considering I complaint a lot.. depressed a lot.. yet here I am, seconds away from telling you about an "upside" when going down is what I'm best at.

It seems likely that I will have to miss Mr James Morrison's performance on the Acoustic night of Live & Loud on the 29th. (Saying that actually makes me want to scream. I can't help imagining a bright spotlight on JM sitting on a high stool while the rest of the stage in dark. He strums his guitar and piped out the words to The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore in his incredibly sexy voice. By the chorus I'll resolve to biting my bottom lip as to stop myself from running towards the stage to give him a big freaky-stalker hug. So I sat there quietly, almost in tears as if the song was about me and only me, despite the fact that I've never had a real enough relationship to relate to a strong composition as that. hahhaha!)
I'm a writer.. unfortunately. I have a big imagination.

Although that particular thought made me want to scream, I am saved by the fact that now I won't have to spend over 200 Ringgit to see Rick Price (someone I've never heard before) and Dayang Nurfaizah (she's a good singer.. I'll admit that.) If it's a show of JM and only him.. I WILL scream -- and cry. I am slightly irked by the fact that JM might perform some new song that's going to be in his coming sophomore album (he's started the recording) but you know.. he just MIGHT. I hope that he won't!! HAHHAHHA!!

sigh. It's actually sad to say that I won't be going.. So I'll just confirm that it's LIKELY.
I can't wait for JM to just go home already! I'm now hating the idea that he's coming in the first place while sadness nags in my heart. hahhaha!
I'm going to entertain myself with the idea of getting myself some really nice stuff for my birthday now, since there's that extra money. (I know I should SAVE but heck! Birthday is the perfect excuse to splurge on seemingly unimportant things!)

But this is actually NECESSARY!! It's at the very top of my list. High level of importance. It's the Sony Ericsson Stereo Portable Handsfree HPM-85. I need it because the right ear of the earphone that came with my handphone is no longer working (you can even see the tiny wires coming out) so how else am I going to drown out my mom's nags and my crazy alter ego's thoughts?? Okay, I probably don't need this crazy big headphone but it'd stole my heart.

I'm still considering my options though.. I shouldn't get one with the really tiny plastic wires.. obviously.

Flock - The Social Web Browser

I've been trying this new (to me) browser and I am torn.
I love trying something new but it's always hard to change when you're loyal to something.

One obvious cool thing about Flock for me is the fact that I'm writing this entry using the Blog Editor. I don't have to go to Blogger's page to log in to start posting. Blogging is just a click away. Uploading photos are made easy as well! A few clicks with the Photo Uploader and you can upload your photos on either Facebook or Photobucket.
I'm incredibly impressed, but I'm really reaaally comfortable with Opera. I just love the Speed Dial page and the fact that I've made a LOAD of bookmarks in there makes changing now, a hassle. (By the way, if you're using IE or Firefox, you can easily Import your bookmarks/favorites to Flock.)

There are some other things that make Flock a really handy browser.. You should go and find out yourself. Firefox users will find it a very easy transition, I think! As for me... I reckon that I'll stay torn until I get myself a bigger screen. I understand that the icons and tabs are the ones that makes this browser special, but it takes too much space!! This is the same reason why I prefer Opera than Firefox in the first place.

Bluerghh.. I hate being torn over silly stuff.

Blogged with Flock

..and the clock stops.

Would you hold it against me,
If I told you that I'm scared?
Would you rub salt onto my wound,
If you found out that I have failed?
And would you leave me if I want you to,
even when you knew that I lied?

I'd wished that you knew me well,
I'd hoped that you knew me at all,
Not much but just enough
to differ the right answers from wrong.

I saw a film that made me think.
Did a bit of reading on that thought.
Then I found myself incredibly... lonely; which was ridiculous because it isn't actually MY feelings. I was more like mirroring something, or someone I'd seen in one moment of solitude. heh! Am I making sense?
Probably not.

I need to keep my imaginations in check.
I have more than enough on my plate to start worrying about something else.

On a lighter note, Israel won against Russia.. *silently cheers for fear of waking up the neighbours while doing a celebratory jig* England better wins the next match now!

Hmm...

Maybe God doesn't want me dead.. yet.
Which I find incredible.
I believe that God only tests you with things that you could handle; time and time again I feel that I am too weak for them but always, for every moment I had spent sprawled on the ground in my own pool of tears and snot, He finds a way to bring me back up again.
I'm not saying that I'm not thankful for it. I am.. so grateful with everything that is left of me, but I cannot BE on this roller coaster forever.
The fact that I'm still breathing isn't a proof that I'm alive.


Eileen pointed out on her blog about an article in Time magazine about the studies made over siblings' birth order. I must say that it was a very interesting read! You can read the 3-pages long article right here.

Now, having two elder siblings myself, I can't help but share with you a piece of my thoughts on the article.
It said that the first born have a three-point IQ advantage over the second child as the second child is one point ahead of the third. Basically the studies have shown that I am 4 points more stupid than Nina and Dida! Brilliant!
I'm not sure if I should be offended. I've long accepted the fact that I really am not as smart as my sisters; at least not in school. Physics, Chemistry and Maths have always failed me; while my table-mates were busy setting up the experiment for figuring out velocity, all I could care about was trying to get the toy car to jump to the next table!

I thought I was just lazy but apparently I wasn't meant to get it right.
I suppose It's kinda cool that I can also blame my birth order for my lack of seriousness! We (the youngest) happens to be funny, so the article said. Suuure I'm morbid than most of the people you know, but I'd like to think that my lack of smarts for formulas and equations are compensated by my quick wit. And though I may never hold an important position in a big company or get a really big paycheque, I'm pretty happy to be affiliated to the likes of Mark Twain and Voltaire! (Jane Austen too, was the youngest sibling.)
So I don't know how to count.. doesn't mean that I can't stump you in a philosophical discussion! -- which to be truth, is the only thing I care about anyway.

But Dida isn't so much like the middle child the article refers to. She's not really mysterious, but she does float in between me and Nina pretty well. Dida can easily be Nina's best confidant while handling all my silliness. She has mastered the "middle-grounds" (where I fail miserably). The point is, she is not that hard to figure out as the article had implied.

My day had turned for the better since the last entry, which is excellent 'cause the more I cry, the more my face looks like a cow's butt really. First, DHL came around to send me the book I won from Football Crazy.
Then, I got the most relieving email for this time being; which was what I really needed! heehee. And just now, me and Dida were on the phone with Nina for 20 minutes and the conversation was hilarious. But surely, you can't believe that EVERYTHING is ha-ha the entire day -- I hit my leg at the table so now.. I actually have TWO right knees!

Hmm.. You're probably just as annoyed with my inconsistent moods, yeah?

I don't know what to do with myself.

For every tiny slits that break my heart..



I die a little more.


Guess my mood meter now.

Of self contradiction.

I suppose this is a follow up to yesterday's entry.

I'd like to say that life is short!
So you should do what you should.. enjoy life if you haven't.. Do something you've never done before.. Jump out of a plane if you must.
I think it is a perfect reason for you to BE yourself; as reckless as it may be.

But I also feel that there is time.. for everything.
So I don't have to do anything TODAY if I don't want to.. Maybe I'm a 'nobody' today but there is time for me to become somebody. That it's okay if I pass up the chance to see James Morrison at the end of this month because surely.. there'll be some other time.

See where I'm going here?
If you haven't been invited before, Welcome to My Sickly Twisted Mind! Be careful with your step, please mind your head.

You could say that I'm pretty laid back if you haven't seen/read me endlessly stressed out about something. I can honestly admit that MY life would've been immensely easier if I don't catch myself contradicting my own every word. I mean, seriously.. how can anyone NOT become crazy when you are highly aware of your EVERY thought?

I mean, really.. if you see me in the streets, I can bet that you wouldn't pick me for the type of person who has a single serious thought in the head. I've been told off too many times for smiling too much or being too comfortable with strangers -- I am kind of.. frivolous.
But once I'm by myself with a pen and paper (or in this case, stationed in front of the laptop) I'll transform into a somewhat different person.

Now, from this very confusing, disorganized and seemingly unnecessary rambling, I find myself roughly concluding that:
my alter ego is a manic depressive philosopher.
This is probably the perfect time for me to blame my zodiac sign for being the half-man, half-horse that it is.

"..You wanted cheese!"

I can't stop thinking about Stardust! hahhaha! It's crazy, isn't it? I suppose I cannot hide it now. I said I adored it.. I think I actually LOVE it! The whole thing makes me kind of.. dreamy. I honestly can't think of anyone who wouldn't enjoy it.

In an attempt of moving on.. here's a part of my horoscope for today;
I know I said horoscopes are ridiculous but I also said that they're fun to read! Especially when they sound quite rational and doesn't sound too much like fortune-telling (which I don't approve of, or refuse to believe.)

You can open your own doors now, my friend. Don't hold yourself back in any respect. You have a deep sense of faith and purpose that must be acted on today.
Kind of wordy to tell me to stop procrastinating, yeah? hahhaha!

It's funny.. how my entire life is a self-contradiction; of the things I want and don't want, the things I said and actually act on, and the things I hope for and actually believe in.
Maybe I'm overly judgemental of myself. After all,

You are your own worst critic.
Of course I've met some people who can never seem to find a single reason to criticize themselves -- which I find incredible (sorry, I can't stop my sarcasm) but as for me, I can easily find what is wrong with me.
The biggest problem being the fact that I am too rational to be an idealist.

My step forward usually end up as a step backwards.
Maybe it's just in my head.
I believe that some people aren't MEANT to think. (Me being one of those people.) Because I think too much -- and I am not at all trying to be proud of it, because the truth is, my head is constantly contemplating unnecessary things. Like now. Why on Earth am I writing about this right now???

Aaah.. I just don't make sense sometimes. I'm just glad that at least I don't sound too much like a mentally unstable writer on dope. This time.

Welcome to my emotional roller coaster.

Mood meter today: Two out of ten -- curses!

I was thinking of McFly's The Heart Never Lies and a line got me thinking..
Some people run right into the fire
Some people hide their every desire..
I suppose I'm not really hiding my desires.. but I'm not running into the fire either. I'm more of a spectator of the great fire in front of me.. of things I could become.
Maybe I'm afraid that I'll get burn, but that's just stupid isn't it? How would I know without trying? At least I should take a step forward and feel the heat. I could probably take the heat. I must try. I must.

Curse PMS! And curse headaches!

I found myself admitting today that some of the house-works are pretty therapeutic. Maybe it's the smell of the laundry soap but I simply liked it. Somehow doing these little things made me calm a little. In a way, it's giving me the silent feeling of being blissfully useful. Plus, I have a thing for windows. I have a long list of reasons to LOVE windows -- unfortunately not entirely pleasant, so I won't share with you the list. heh!

My head feels incredibly light right now.. I have no idea how I'm going to stay up for another 5 hours.

So he sang.

Mood meter today: Eight out of ten -- pretty perky!

Went to see Stardust earlier.
It was really nice! Of course, I'm more of a girl who likes to see a film that makes you think, but I can't help but ADORE this film! It's such a nice, light, fun movie! My sister and I went out of the cinema with a silly smile plastered on our faces. In fact, I'm still smiling over it right now. It helps that Charlie Cox (the guy that plays Tristan) is pretty good looking. I think I prefer him than Orlando Bloom.. how crazy is that??? hahhaha!
Anyway, I think the film didn't get as much promotion as it deserve. So I'm telling you now, GO SEE IT!!

Then we went home.. I settled myself in front of the telly -- and Ronaldo scored for United against Blackburn! hahahha!! See.. I told you my teams needed me. They're horribly demanding I suppose, but they're mine so I love them anyway. heh!
The match wasn't as much fun as I had witnessed it, but United won. That's the most important thing (in a football match) anyway.

Been listening to Daniel Bedingfield quite repetetively for the past couple of days. It's actually a song from his 2004 album; Second First Impression. I wasn't really into the song until I read the lyrics quite recently.

I have to say that it amuses me -- the fact that both of the Bedingfield siblings happens to be Sagittarians. I'd say it's cool except that it is slightly upsetting that Daniel here has ADD. I don't know.. it's just sad thinking that a fellow Sagittarian has some sort of a medical condition that involves the brain.
Somehow it made me feel that it's actually.. really possible that I'm going crazy by the minute.
I don't know.. it's just the way I feel/think.

Have a good Monday everyone.

edited on 11:45 AM.
I just found out.. that James Morrison is NOT a Cancer, but actually a Leo -- which makes him all the more desirable. hahahha! I know.. I'm zodiac-biased.

Something.

I should remember this when I'm in my depressive moods. Really. Not that I would, but I should.
This is one of Paulo Coelho's work from Like The Flowing River, and though I know it's a crime to "reproduce" it, please know that I am in NO WAY trying to pass it off as mine. Even if I am to be sued for it.. I'd still think that it is for a good cause. (But please don't come find me to sue me! Say hi! hahahha!)

Who Would Like This Twenty-Dollar Bill?
Cassan Said Amer tells the story of a lecturer who began a seminar by holding up a twenty-dollar bill and asking: 'Who would like this twenty-dollar bill?'
Several hands went up, but the lecturer said: 'Before I give it to you, I have to do something.'
He screwed it up into a ball and said: 'Who still wants this bill?'
The hands went up again.
'And what if I do this to it?'
He threw the crumpled bill at the wall, dropped it on the floor, insulted it, trampled on it, and once more showed them the bill - now all creased and dirty. He repeated the question, and the hands stayed up.
'Never forget this scene,' he said. 'It doesn't matter what I do to this money. It is still a twenty-dollar bill. So often in our lives, we are crumpled, trampled, ill-treated, insulted, and yet, despite all that, we are still worth the same.'

sigh.

I never knew what to say.

22 years.. I've been really well taken care of, haven't I? (Surely you don't know how to respond to this!) I am.. SO lucky, and I can't emphasize on it enough! I've thanked God for that.. and the people around me whom had made it happen.. I've ran out of people to thank so I resolve to blog about how grateful I really am.

Really.. I don't get EVERYTHING I want, but I got just enough to keep me pretty happy without turning me into a spoilt brat. (I know some people would like to disagree on that! hahha!)
Sure I forget about this sometimes like human beings do, but I like to think that I am rather grateful than most. (Though a little self-absorbed apparently.)

I don't know.. If you've been reading this blog for a while you've probably come by this sort of entry a couple of times. Maybe I'm writing it so I won't forget...
People don't really change.. but they forget a lot. So I pray that I will never forget to know when to say "thank you" and "sorry". Those two are the most important words in the vocabulary, in my opinion. Saying them for the sake of just saying doesn't mean anything, but when you really meant it.. It could mean the whole world to someone.

Remember last Tuesday when I was really upset about my HRC shirt that turned stupid-pink? Well, the next day Mama told me and Dida that her friend was going to London so she could buy one to replace my shirt. Sure, it's no Paris but London is one of my favourite cities if not the most. I'll cheer up a bit when I get my hands on it.
I might risk sounding like a brat for this but NOTHING could replace my HRC Paris shirt until I actually got another HRC Paris shirt. I really DO care THAT much.

It's been a mentally tiring week; even my dreams come off messy.
Football had been brilliant with Liverpool stomping Besiktas 8 to nil while United beats Dynamo Kiev 4 to nil. Crazy scores but you won't see me complaining!

Hope you guys will be having a great weekend!
And.. Thank you for reading.

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.

Albert Schweitzer

Too much is never enough.

I'd LOVE to write stuff like Paulo Coelho does.. something philosophical.. spiritual.. I think I'm very keen to that, but I doubt that anybody would want to read it. After all, I'm only 22 -- what do I know about life, really? Plus, my mental health isn't really balanced, is it?
My sudden bursts of wisdom are very rare at this age.

I can still be philosophical in 20 years. If by then I am still alive, I can guarantee that I'll be wiser than I currently am.

So for now, I'm going to redirect my thoughts and try to turn them into fiction, onto paper.
Take care, everyone!

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 2)

I believe, that the hardest thing to do in life is knowing what you want and following your personal legend.

Getting what you want is simpler once you've passed those two.
Let's be serious, if you dream of being rich you'd surely won't get it by sitting around hoping that somehow money will roll onto your lap. For one, you'll need hard work -- or at least get your arse near a hill for a wad of bank notes to get rolling.
Maybe you refuse to include working so you decided to marry somebody rich. Still, you can't expect someone of that state to come around to that mamak place you hung around, do you?

I'm sorry.. nothing comes for free; not even love. Here you may like to quote Jennifer Lopez and sings "love don't cost a thing". Well, how about your time, effort.. and heart? I'm being painfully harsh tonight I know, but even the hippie-Wanie can't drown out rational-Wanie's voice on this.

My sister said something earlier that somehow hits close to home. It wasn't particularly about me but her statement just made me realize about TIME -- again!
Then while I was helping her to find her shirt in the laundry, I discovered that my freakin' dad had defaced my one-and-ONLY Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt by mixing colours with whites. I had spent the next 15 minutes in tears, my friends.

Now you may think, how silly of me to cry over a shirt but if you had know me.. If you'd know me at all.. you would know how frustrating it'd make me feel when a beloved t-shirt.. that I got in Europe.. has now turned into a freakin' sissy shade of PINK!! Not that any different shade would make me feel better, but I would appreciate it if I got an apology! One stupid apology, but noooooo.. What I got was, I quote; "wash your own clothes next time!"
EFFING ASSHOLE!!
(Yes, I am cursing at my father, boys and girls.)

So, after that slight detour of how mental I can get over the things at home, I will return to the fact that I was talking about "knowing what you want" in the first place.
In the case of my father, I must tell you that he wasn't fully responsible to what had happened. I am perfectly capable of doing my own laundry so I should be able to prevent all this. Shite happens when you are not in control of your life. Once you let go.. and shite happens.. you have noone else to blame but yourself.

Then again, it is my flaw.. I am incapable of blaming others -- having shitty people around me reflects on MY judgement to depend on shitty people, so I must blame myself. It'd be great to be normal and point the finger at everybody else but as I said.. I am flawed.

I know what I want.
But I am not following my personal legend.. yet.
So I must thank God for reminding me how miserable I really am to be stuck like this all the time. Mediocrity doesn't suit me at all so I am grateful to receive the reminder. Be it in the form of my beloved t-shirt.. in a ridiculously stupid shade of pink.

Still pissed at my dad though.

Things I'd do for the indefinite you.

I know how that sounds.. I suppose it's useless to try and lie about the fact that despite my steely demeanor, I am.. (unfortunately) a romantic at heart.
But please.. don't take that slight confession too seriously. I'm still mostly a cynic.. a sceptic.

United managed a draw in last night's match against Arsenal. Dida thought it was a good game, I thought it was shite. Okay okaaay, it WAS exciting but United could've done so - much - MORE! But hey, at least they didn't end up cancelling each other and finish off without any goals at all! I'm glad at that.
The other United (Newcastle) on the other hand SUCK! hahhaha! How could they lost so unceremoniously to Portsmouth at home is beyond my comprehension. I should stop "expecting the best" by now, don't I?
OBVIOUSLY, you CAN'T win EVERYTHING!

Aaah.. why was I ever made to be this stubborn in the first place?
I've said it so many times; "You can't win everything". I am practically preaching to whomever who would listen how "you CAN'T win everything!". I could write an entire book about it! (hahha! I'm being rhetoric.. It'll take me yeaaars to get a start on that!)

You know what.. Just as I had called "obsession" as "passion", I think I'm going to start calling my stubborness for supporting all things that suck as "faith". hahhaha! Sounds really nice, yeah?
So I get disappointed and devastated along the way but hey.. you've got to have FAITH! I'm not really stubborn, no.. I just have a lot of faith in my team. I have a lot of faith in the future, really.

Just in case you've never come by this blog before and you don't know me at all..
Hi, my name is Wanie and I'm a hopeful cynic.

Freak easy.

Maybe it's safe to say that if my fear of commitment and sheer determination to be a free-spirit were to be put into verses of a song, it might sound like Joshua Radin's What If You.

I'm looking forward to the Arsenal and United's showdown tonight!! *cheers and chants!*
Hope you'll have a good weekend, my dear faithful readers!

Balek balek muke niee juge

I'm irritating like that. ahhahahah! Aaanyway--

I can honestly say that I LOVE my friends. Indubitably.

From left: Ana, me, Bahijah, Ilsa
Really... all those shitty periods of having shitty friends had seemed all worth it -- it allows me to appreciate the good from the.. well.. shite.
So thank you thank you thank yooouuu for being around. (Also, thank You God for always taking care of me so.)

Ana and Bahijah were talking about James Blunt on Wednesday, saying that he's one of the artists that's coming for the Live & Loud KL. One time, Ana mistakenly said "James Morrison" and of course, automatically I shouted in hysterics that she shouldn't joke about that.
Later that night I heard a familiar song playing for the background of the Live & Loud ad on telly, so I went straight to check the website and guess what.. It was James Morrison that's coming for the show.. NOT James Blunt!

*Hysterical* I need a ticket! I want the ticket!! But damn, it's expensive!!!! And I thought I won't ever be miffed about material things but apparently, in this case, I am. I want to see James Morrison!! I'm starting to think of things I could sell....

Sorry that I've been spamming my own blog for the past few days. It should go back to "normal" now..

New do!!

Here's something you don't know about me..
I have NEVER gotten a haircut at a salon... until todaaay!! *cheers!*
It's terrible, yeah? I'm 22 years old and I've only got my haircuts from my mom and Nina -- and I cut my fringes myself! heehee. So pardon me for being a little excited after my very first visit to the salon. It was.. exciting!


Wasn't really sure about going out today but Bahijah had asked nicely (a little flattery had never hurt) so I couldn't say no.. I am such an EXCELLENT friend anyway! hahahha! Then I called Ana and found out her earlier plans were cancelled so she could come and meet us at Pavillion too! Neat, huh?


I'm loving my new do! Kinda funny that us three pretty much got a haircut around the same time. According to our birthday, even! (Bahijah first, Ana yesterday and me today!) hahahha!

I'm going to get some rest now. Went to sleep really late this morning.. sigh. The crazy things I do for my friends... heehee.
As long as I'm loving it. Thanks a bunch, friends. I had a brilliant time. Looking forward to the next!

The Quest of Becoming Somebody (Part 1)

I was in between of a depressive rant the other day when I was struck by the way Dida's eyes were looking at me -- I think it was worry. I think she was surprised and at the borderline of not knowing what to say or how to handle what I had just told her, but then she asked;
"So what do you really want?"
"I'd like to be happy."
"What makes you happy?"
So I said it, "I'd like to be somebody."
To my own selfish amusement, Dida had reacted in a way that was even more grave than she was at the beginning. She asked again; "Who are you right now?"
I wasn't sure how she would respond so I took my time before saying, "I'm nobody."

The very next second Dida tried to convince me that what ever I've been letting myself to believe, I am somebody and that I'm irreplaceable; that I am not just a lump in the middle of the room.. That no matter how useless I feel (and she sometimes think), I am her only little sister and nobody could replace that. Even when she could find somebody else to talk her troubles to, I am still her sister.

heh. Pardon me while I wipe my eyes.

I've been blessed. Luck has always been on my side. I don't have a lot of things but I seem to get by quite alright. Most importantly, I have the best people around me when I needed them the most. Although time and time again I get my heart broken by the same set of people.. they're still the ones who could mend them back together again.

I am a horrible human being for so many reasons; I act out as much as I possibly can.. dreams of doing charity yet taking not a single step towards it at all.. misses my prayers all the time.. throw tantrums.. curses like a sailor.. avoid responsabilities..
But they mend them back together again. As closed up of a person as I am.. my heart has always been in check.

For that I am grateful.. and sorry, that I am what I am.
I pray that I have enough time in the world to become somebody. Although I already am to Dida, I hope to really show her the best person that I could become. Even when I still feel like a lump in the middle of the room, I hope I'd be a lump that gives back.

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.

William Wordsworth

Sorry if you were expecting some sort of a fantasy/fiction in this entry. hahhaha!

Big whoopin' headache.

I wish cursing was an interesting thing to read.. but no, I don't think so.

I actually had a nice day yesterday. Ana got off work early so we decided to meet up and check on Bahijah. Did nothing much really.. spent a really short time with Bahijah, Ana got a haircut, then Ana and I had to leave Bahijah so she could get her work done as we went around and tried on some clothes. (Goofing around -- optional.)


I wish I had something actually significant to share with you.. but I'm sorry, faithful readers.. It seems like my brain is word-fasting these past couple of days, so I'm left with mundane daily reports.