Still tired.

Still moody.
Hence the lack of concern to how I am treating myself.
My last proper night's sleep was.. Thursday night..?
Crap. And I have an early pick up tomorrow.
I did doze off a little here and there throughout today.. but of course, that's not a "proper night's sleep".
Honestly I won't be shocked if I'm spending the coming three days off with a flu or fever. ughhh. No no.. Power of positive thinking!
I will NOT be down with a fever.. no no..

hahahhahahahahha!
I crack myself up with the idea of positive thinking. hahahahha
err.. I should take myself a wee bit seriously sometimes.
Although I can only pretend right now.
I honestly.. really.. couldn't care less about myself at this very moment. Surprise surprise..

Let's just say that I'm in my dark place again.
Although.. I am in my dark place most of the time, so there's nothing new there.
Nothing at all.

Currently listening to:
Need You Now by Lady Antebellum

SBW makes me nervous..

I'm tired..
I guess lack of sleep will do that to you.
My pick-up was at 5:50 yesterday and my wake-up call later will be at 4:45.. so.. sigh. I was sleeping earlier but DD called, saying that he was with his cousin and that he just met up with one of his good friend, Abang Hensem.
ughhh. Wish I had the days off so I could've gone with him to Kuantan.
Although.. he went there to visit his mom.. and I've never been great with moms. sigh.

I think I'm just jealous.. I hate the idea of him having fun while I'm miserable. hahahha! Talk about being malicious.
One thing I'm absolutely great at.. totally natural at it.

Anyway, did anyone ever notice that every Thaipusam, the news reporter will only ask how the tourists feel about the celebration? And every year, the answers will be exactly the same things. Why bother, honestly?
And why would their thoughts matter really? It's the thoughts of the people who are actually IN it that matters.

Look at me, talking as if I actually cared.
I don't really.
Just trying to distract myself from crazy thoughts..

Heart cracks.

What am I to you?
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea, vast as you can be
And deeper shade of blue

When you're feeling alone
To whom else do you go?
See I cry if you hurt, I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

If my sky should fall
Would you even call?


(Norah Jones, What Am I To You)

Darkness sets in.

I woke up today feeling like crap. Funny, since I went to bed at twelve which means that I had nine hours of sleep!

Suppose if I could give up on sleeping altogether, I would.
It hardly seems necessary to me. I don't feel rested, all I ever get is more confusion.

I'm complaining, I know. Try putting yourself in my shoes and imagine having nights and nights of bad dreams and bad sleeps that keeps you restless and feeling terrible once you wake..

Bla-bla-bla

Ugghhh.. scary.
Since it involves a Boeing 737-800. ughh..
See, there's a good reason why I don't watch Air Crash Investigations.. I just hate thinking about the possibilities of bad things happening while I'm working.

Anyway, I'm in an overall bad mood. Don't ask me why, I hate having to explain myself.. and yes, I know that not explaining myself will not help anyone in understanding me.. but if I need to explain myself for anyone to understand me, I'd say.. WHY BOTHER.
I'll just die alone.
I've considered it happening.
Suppose I believe that's going to happen anyway.

So.. what ever.
I'm emotional, stubborn, hard-headed and pretty pissed for most of the time.
Like it matters.
You don't even know me.

In KHH.

I was called up at 6:30 in the morning, and was told to report for duty at 10:30.. ughh..
The D.O. stole my time with Encem.
Tomorrow when I go back to Bukit Jalil, he won't be there as he's started his trip to BKI. sigh.
You know.. people who works in offices never had to deal with things such as this!

Well, I'm not complaining. Not too much anyway. heehee. I had just hoped that I'd get the rest of the day with Encem.. or maybe I'd get called up to a BKI nightstop or something like that.
But anyway, I'm liking Kaohsiung!
Other than the hotel having the cheapest internet rates than any other hotels that I've been to, (NTD150 = RM16, per DAY!) I also ADORE the night market completely!

Scary though.. since it's like an open air Sungai Wang Plaza! hahhahahahha!! I'm afraid of what I might buy the next time I'm here. heehee.
I don't feel "safe" to try out the street food though..
So I just spent the last half hour scouring my bags for some snacks, and what did I find?
NesVita, alright!

So I'm finishing up my drink and off to bed I will go.
About seven hours of flight to go through come morning.. (the wake up call is at 5:30am!)

So, later!
Oh, and boyfriend, I miss you ♥

Your patience.

Been having crazy emotions lately.
To the point that brought me to walk out of the room for fear of screaming into somebody's face. (A very particular face, most of the time.)
It's like all my anger towards anything/everything has been bottled up and are on the verge of exploding, every single time.
And then of course.. he would walk along with his cool and calm.. completely oblivious of how rotten I'd been and how horrible my tantrums can be.
sigh.
But that doesn't mean that I threw my tantrums for nothing!! rawr! I blame him for stirring the monster inside me in the first place. hahhaha!
If it wasn't just for nothing, I wouldn't have a reason to cry too, right?
sigh some more.

Anyway, my three days off are up. I'm on standby come morning.. I wish they wouldn't call.. not tomorrow anyway. I don't feel like working just yet.
Actually, I don't feel like even THINKING about work right now because I HATE next month's roster! Absolutely hate it.
The only good thing about it is that I am getting the chance of having a nightstop in Taipei! It's the one, sole thing that I'm happy about the roster. (small 'wheee!')

Oh hey.. Other than that.. Life's been okay.
Nothing too exciting happening.
Dida's former boss asked me a pretty harmless question last night but what popped from my mouth for an answer is now keeping my mind at a constant thinking mode.. while my heart is on guard.
How odd.

'Til next time, everyone.
Have a good weekend ahead.

28,000 for a scoop of BR.

In Rupiah that is.

Jakarta was fine. I had a nice set crew that brought me walking along the streets of the city - which is something that you don't really wanna do. heh


Now I'm home and will be flying to BKK tomorrow with the leading who put me as a galley steward last Wednesday. ughh!

I wish I am someplace else..

5 days in KCH.

Long trip.
I don't know why but it feels sooooo long.

And I really miss my man.
sigh.
Good thing that I'll be home tomorrow night.
That's my 'happy thought' to help me get through two more sectors tomorrow with a two-hour transit in between. gah!

Anyway.. life's been alright.
Nothing much to complain about except for the fact that I'm here in Kuching.. and bored. Kinda. I spent a lot of money today buying kek lapis and fabrics.
And I still haven't found the perfect wedges for my cute dresses.
sigh some more.

Okie. I really should start looking for a real subject to write on than these short whatevers that I'm thinking about.

I couldn't help it.

I needed him but he wasn't there..


I really needed him.


So I cried.

I refuse to be sick!!

Been having some sore throat..
And sneezing a lot.
With an on-and-off runny nose.
Then the days started raining..
GAHHH!! I refuse to be sick!! Especially when I'll be having my 5-days trip to Kuching the day after tomorrow. I don't want to be down with a cold, come on!

Of course, I should probably blame myself for wearing myself out. Lacking in sleep.. working hard.. (HAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!) going out 'til late.. Getting rained on...
I get it, I haven't been taking a very good care of myself these past few weeks.
I don't know why.. I guess I haven't been in the best mood to care about how I'm treating myself.

Anyway, Happy New Year, everyone!
Today's the fourth day of the year.. and I must say that the year's been pretty good to me. hahahha! (Well, I say we'll wait 'til the next couple of post for my psychotic rants to start pouring in.)
I've met lovely set crews in the past couple of flights that I've done.. Really sweet and funny supervisors.. Hung out with really entertaining people.. Talked and shared more with Encem.
I have a lot to be thankful for.
So I will try to cut down the complaints a notch this year.

Though I may never be able to laugh about my life everyday, I shall try to not find things to cry about. hehe. Plus, I have enough gray hairs to convince me to chill more and not to worry too much.
As I'm a late-bloomer, I shouldn't fuss too much about being twenty-five.. right? I mean, I couldn't help it!

So that's basically how my year's resolution going to be. More on self-improvement and not about things I want to achieve or have. No deadline. No wishes. No wants. (Okay, maybe just a little.) But mostly just going with the flow without being pushed around by the current -- if that makes any sense at all.

I will lead a better life, choose healthier food, start an actual exercise routine.. even as minor as going up and down the flight of stairs. Have healthier thoughts and laugh more. Though I'm leaving that bit of resolution for Encem to work on. hahahhaha!
He's the one who said that he'll save me after all.. so he should just suck it!! heehee.

Man, I miss that boy..
He's doing a layover in SIN while I'm here in Shah Alam.. and how psychotic am I to keep on yapping about him to Dida all day? haha. She should just suck it too for all the things she's been yapping to me whenever she gets the chance! heehee.

God, I'm thankful.
It's weird how some days I could feel so lonely when I'm surrounded by so much love..

Anyway, again.. Happy new year my darling readers..
Hope you'll have a wonderful, eventful year ahead of you.

New Year.

You know, I always wonder if I actually love reading The Alchemist.
I think I have a love/hate relationship with that book.
To be honest, I used to HATE it. All that crap about "personal legend".. it made me feel so lonely.. and empty. Living life with no purpose.. Not knowing what's my next step going to be; whether it will be for the better or lead me into an even deeper shithole.. but either way, I needed to take that step.

And a step I took.
I had a dream and I took a step last year.
It brought me another wave of depression but it made me determined to give it another go in January. And the result, I now have a job. One that I couldn't possibly hate. One that has all the criteria that should make me stick to it as it involves travelling, meeting different people and not having to sit at the same ole' desk from nine to five every single day.

I feel slightly guilty that I am no longer with the person whom had moved me to take that very step. He was on my resolution this year. Which is probably why I am not really ready for the new year. Feels like I'm leaving behind one of the best parts of my life.
I never had anyone whom had moved me so.. to that very point where I actually picked myself up and DO something so my path would change.
Change it did.. and I did too..

Anyway.. it had felt as if I changed a lot this year.
Quarter-life crisis, I'd say. hahahha!
I didn't get my Louboutin's shoes when I turned 25.. ah well.. Not that it's easily available around KL anyway. So that's my excuse. haha!
I'm glad that at least there's some movement in my life at the moment.
As for a new year's resolution, I can honestly say that I haven't had a single thought about what's it going to be just yet.

Getting married, maybe? HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!!
God.. maybe engaged first. Although I'm not even into that whole thing. I'd like it western-style, gimme a diamond ring and we're set! HAHAHHAHAHAHHAH!!
shit. I'll save this for 2011.

As for this year's resolution.. this year.. this year...
I'll update you when I have some.

Counting the days.

Just a couple more 'til 2010.
I dunno..
I don't think I'm ready for a new year just yet.




So I think I'll save my thoughts until I am ready :P

I don't want to care.

ughhh..
I have no idea why it is SO damn easy for my feelings to get hurt these days.
It's crazy.
How can anyone live this way??
I hate the person I've become.. and I don't even like myself much to begin with!
It feels like.. EVERYTHING matters. I take EVERYTHING personally. Which at the end of the day hurts me like hell.

What's the freakin' point?!
Stupid stupid stupid.
I'm acting like a complete fool again.

I HATE YOU, ME!!!

If I understand myself correctly.. the only way I can be calm is to NOT CARE.
But if I don't care at all, it'd be wrong.
So how can I give a little crap, than a whole lot of crap? Can somebody teach me? 'Coz I really don't know how.
It's not fun being an "extremist". Not knowing when to give things a rest because your heart and mind are too focused on that one sole thing.
It's tiring.. and pathetic. But most of all, it's driving me insane.
I never knew that I was this person.
I don't want to be needy but time and time again it seems like I'm nothing BUT needy.

ughhhhhh!!!

Anyway, I'm in Shah Alam trying to let my mind wander and be distracted.
I need distractions badly. So badly, I could beg for it.
But obviously, I'm failing at this moment.
Which SUCKS!

In LBU.

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday..
Naturally, I spent most of the time we had being cranky and now I'm feeling sorry 'coz he's in BKI for the next 3 days.
hmmph!

I really should be in control of my own freakin' mood..

Anyway, I should put away my laptop now.
Less than 15 minutes 'til check-out!

In SIN.

Layover.
In crew lounge.
Was hoping that I could go online from my room but the wi-fi is only available in public areas and if I use the cable, the rate is S$29 per day.
ughhh! No thanks!

Earlier I exchanged some money at the airport but I suppose you could say that it was for nothing.
No -- it's for wasting my effort really.
I REFUSE to spend 29 (times 2.4) for a couple hours of internet.. and I couldn't choose on anything I'd like to try from the room service. I dunno. Maybe I should close my eyes and point to the desserts at random.

Anyway, I'd hate to admit this but I am rather disappointed.
That's twice.
I guess when things aren't meant to be.. they really are NOT MEANT TO BE.
I suppose Encem had those weird dreams for nothing. hehe. Guess I'm not the only one who over-thinks sometimes.

Ah well.. I think I'll go back to my room and look over the menu again and see if I really can't decide on anything.
I should probably try to get some sleep too.
After all, I'm the only stewardess on flight so I need to look good for the passengers. HA HA HA HA HA!!
(pretend that I didn't laugh and that I really care about the way I look FOR the passengers.)

Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in

I'm The Lucky One.

No complaints.. at this very moment. ♥
heehee.

Had the best time with my two favourite boys last night.
Had dinner at Tony Roma's.. Bestie treated me Baskin Robbin's ice-cream cake.. and the previous night DD handed me the ZARA jacket I saw, tried and LOVE about a week ago. ♥

Just about the things that I probably wouldn't get myself really..

Anyway, I'm currently at The Gardens with Nina and Dida.. they took the day off just to hang out.. just the three of us! HAHHAHAHHA.
I have awesome sisters.

In SBW.

Man, I should be sleeping.

No. I should be HOME! ughhh..
But I need the work. Flying is gooood.

Anyway, typically I will be in SBW every month. Only this time, it's more annoying than usual as the departure time kept being pushed back. We should've arrived in Sibu at 9 something but we actually arrived at 12:45 am!!
Bad weather and aircrafts being grounded, so I've heard.
Yesterday was just a bad day to have a flight, honestly. Too many flights were delayed. The crew lounge at the airport was packed and so many cabin crews walking around the terminal.

Felt a bit slow coming back to work after so long of a break.
I miss Encem.
Three days off after I come back from this flight and I've already made plans with my sisters.. yayy!

Nothing much to update.
Oh! My "birthday" blows.
And I received the email I sent myself 3 years ago, which was amusing and a tad upsetting at the same time. ughhh. I'm thinking of sending another email to the future-me but I'm afraid if I'll just end up upsetting myself some more.

Anyway, have a good Sunday everyone!
I really need to try and get some shut eye.

I wish that I wouldn't wish at all.

I am getting old, damnit!!
Sure, perhaps I look just as same.. but inside.. BIOLOGICALLY.. I'm OLDER!!!
shit.
This is so depressing.
This is why I shouldn't be excited about December. My birthday is coming up fast and it feels like I'd be depressed every single year!
This is so messed up.
I should be made to be wanting of nothing.

Santa, forget my list.
Just hand me the coals if you like because I expect nothing more.
No.. to be truth.. I expect NOTHING.
Really. I really reaaaally need to believe that.
Seems like every year I found a reason to cry on my birthday (it's a fact, I just read my archives) because even when I said that I expected nothing.. I LIED.
Which sucks. Big time.

I'll be 25..
And still waiting to grow up.
Somebody should really help me save myself from December.
'D' stands for DEPRESSED. ughhh!!

Pascal, in one of his gloomier pensées, gave it as his opinion that all our miseries stemmed from a single cause: our inability to remain quietly in a room.
Why, he asked, must a man with sufficient to live on feel drawn to divert himself on long sea voyages?
To dwell in another town? To go off in search of a peppercorn? Or go off to war and break skulls?
Later, on further reflection, having discovered the cause of our misfortunes, he wished to understand the reason for them, he found one very good reason: namely, the natural unhappiness of our weak mortal condition;
so unhappy that when we gave to it all our attention, nothing could console us.
One thing alone could alleviate our despair, and that was "distraction" (divertissement): yet this was the worst of our misfortunes, for in distraction we were prevented from thinking about ourselves and were gradually brought to ruin.
-- Chatwin.

TGIF

I got my much-needed dose of my sisters this afternoon (yesterday!) and I have no words to describe it except for love.. love.. love.. LOVE!!
I always remember how much I'd laugh when I'm with them and considering I've been extremely irritable lately (more than usual, I mean) I picked up my phone on Thursday and texted Nina and Dida asking them if they had any plans for lunch.
Lucky me, they didn't! heehee

Anyway, I'm in Shah Alam.. did my laundry and went out with an old friend..

I fussed about getting old to him and he talked ENDLESSLY about Star Wars! ughhhhhh!!!
Anyway, I had good food and an overall good time.. so no complains here.
Thanks everyone!

Have a great weekend!