Hello, KCH..

So we meet again.

The last time I was here (the crew room), I was shouting like a mad woman to Huda and Jeffrey about the crazy tag-team thing they had going on while playing Monopoly.
That was fun.

Anyway, today's the first day of my 5-days trip. Three nights in Kuching, the final night in Kota Kinabalu. Crazy sectors are coming up so I better not let myself stay up way past midnight.

I was reading Coelho's Like The Flowing River on the way up here and one of his little thoughts/stories caught my attention like it had been the first time I read it. (I tend to forget things..)
I should read that bit more often.
Perhaps I'll share it with you in my next post. (Maybe tomorrow.. just maybe.)

Boyfriend is in CGK and naturally, no text.
I'd love nothing more than to text him first had he been the kind of person who would actually reply them, but he's not. Not when I expect him to anyway, so I choose not to text him at all -- until he does.

Sometimes I feel like I'm having a conditional love.
I've set rules of things not to do with him.
I don't feel that it's right but it's self-preservation, really.
I'm simply trying not to feel like I'm having an unrequited love instead.
I know.. I get too sensitive and emotional sometimes. But that's just how I feel.
To love a person so much that you don't know how to love them any less.
I don't want to get burned when my heart is as full.

Not that I forget or didn't notice the little things he does for me; supper way past midnight, tending to me when I'm feeling under the weather..
Those were never "little" to me, really.
But you know how we, human, gets. Despite the ability to observe and absorb everything, we only see what we want to see.
And while we are apart from each other.. My brain can't focus on anything else than;
NO TEXT!

So yesterday I had a rendezvous with Ablen and Ana. Bahijah and Dar were a no-show. I don't know how I feel about that but I'm not going to bother myself with that.. for now. heh.
But seeing my old friends again was nice. We agreed that the last time we all hung out were about two years ago. TWO freakin' YEARS!! Took us a while to warm up to each other though, which I thought was funny. A tad awkward and you just don't know what exactly to say to the other two persons.
Kinda like a first date!
Anyway, it turned out alright and I had a good time.
It was good seeing you both, Ablen and Ana! ♥ Yet another all-Sags day out, yeah?

Alright. Lets hope that I'll have a nice work-trip, yeah?
One without excessive spending, hopefully.
I keep having these urges to spend, spend and spend and I can't help wondering if my subconscious is actually trying to tell me something, rather than some typical excuse that I tell myself to make myself feel better about spending. hahahhaha!

Have a good week, dear readers!
I'll be back in town come Friday.

Secrets secrets..

..are no fun
Secrets secrets hurt someone..

Yeah.
So.
I've been feeling lousy lately mostly because of that. Not that somebody has been keeping secrets from me, but I was the one whose been keeping a secret from someone.
You see, I don't like lying. I don't like acting like nothing happened. Suppose I could, but pretending to be fine when I'm not.. to a loved one, doesn't seem like how I want to spend my life.
After all, you're supposed to be able to be yourself with the people whom you love and claims to love you. So what if I've been acting like a lunatic! YOU'RE the one who wants to be with me, so suck it! heehee.
So after four miserable days.. I am finally feeling like myself. More like myself, anyway. Can't help feeling like I still have my guard up somehow.

I have no idea what's up with "love".
Or maybe it's just me. My expectations of love, perhaps.

Anyway, I should be heading home soon.
Currently I am in Starbucks KLCC.. just did my social duty as a money-earner by shopping semi-unnecessarily. Yeah. Try and make sense of that.
I should be saving up as I am planning to move out from my current apartment. Just a few things that I am no longer keen about the place. Bestie said he'd join me while Boyfriend is going to stay with his mom.

I don't know what's going to happen in the future. Everytime I think about it, I get my guard up so high that I might as well build a wall. I just hate the idea of being apart. He said that we'll be fine, but he is SUCH a positive thinker I could just smack him in the head and he'd probably think that it was out of love.

Okay. My battery's dying so I better hit the publish button now.
'Til next time.

So..

I'm not exactly in the best mood still, but this was the highlight of my weekend;


Thank God for sisters.

Yeah, I'm neurotic.

I don't necessarily say the nicest things.. especially when I'm mad.
But am I sorry for them? Not really.
I am most honest when I'm angry so, there is no way sugarcoating it.
So I'm crazy.
Apparently we're all crazy, according to Coelho. (Recent read: Veronika Decides To Die.) Crazy is good anyway. At least I know I'm not pretending or living a lie. And I refuse to act as if nothing happened because I care too much.
But I guess I'm still a little angry to talk or write about it.
So I'm bitter.. and being a little cold along the way.
Whatever.

I'm absolutely tired, to be honest.
Between my work and the emotional distress. ughhh!
My plane touched down at 1950 and I got home at 2120. Then what did I do? I ran around my room looking for things to pack in my bag and took a quick shower because Dida was coming to pick me up so we could go to Nina's place in Seremban; which is where I am now.
sigh.

I should stop running one of these days.
I can't be running away whenever something upsets me. But I can't help myself. Talking.. explaining myself would usually make me cry and I've grown weary of crying all the time. So I opted out to not talk at all.
ughh!
Hello. I am the Princess of Darkness. My hobbies are reading, writing, and walking into the dark clouds where there is nothing but the cold, merciless rain.

You know what, I'm not going to write about this anymore.
I refuse to write when I am this upset. I thought that I was fine.. but I was never fine to begin with. So..
'Til I'm happy again then.

Of expectations..

Have you seen Did You Hear About The Morgans?
There was this one part when they mentioned about how perhaps they could expect less of their partner and they'd be okay..

Perhaps.
In my case, I keep hoping that I would have no expectations at all. Expectations disappoints you. Disappoints me everytime.
But sometimes you just feel or think in some way that you didn't even know that you were having an EXPECTATION towards something.. and when you finally realize what it actually was, you were already disappointed.
But that is just too late. There is no turning point. You can't readjust your thoughts or feelings because.. it is just too late.
Disappointment.
You can't un-hurt the hurt.

What's worst is how badly I need you to know how angry I was with you today but yes, I'm a writer and I write. And even if I could write my thoughts then, you won't be able to understand a single bit of how I feel because there would only be curses. A shitload of curses, directed to you and you alone.
And to write them now.. here.. would be stupid of me to share it with the world.
But to write it in a letter.. I feel like leaving you dumbfounded and clueless of what you've done. Because I don't feel like I want to care if you do it again next time. I don't feel like I want to care about you anymore.
THAT is how furious I was.. still am, apparently.

All I feel is stupid.
I feel stupid for expecting that you'd make my life easier.. The least you could do was not to make it any harder.
Was that too much to ask?
Perhaps.
Would I be better off if I could readjust my expectations?

But according to that damn film, you're supposed to expect EVERYTHING from your partner and nothing less..
Complete the incomplete me.
So I am at a lost.
I don't know if I should have the same amount of expectations from you or readjust them for my own "good".

ughhh!
I am an emotional mess.

I wish I was younger.

Not that I'm afraid of getting old and saggy. (Well, maybe a little of that.) But mostly because of the things that I wish I could accomplish by a certain age.
I wish I was younger when I'd figured out that I wanted to become a cabin crew.
Did you know that by the time I finish my contract, I'd be almost 30??
I know that I said I didn't want to get tied down (as in married) before I'm 27, but now all of a sudden I'm scared that my ovaries won't work as well when I actually wanted to start a family.
All of a sudden I'm scared of my biological clock ticking faster than I want it to.
Sure, I'm 25 now, but WHAT IF biologically.. I have the organs of a 30 year-old? By I'm actually 30, my body is of a 40 year-old.. Then having a baby would be hard.. or dangerous!!
What if I can't conceive at all? Then my husband would be disappointed and wish to be with someone who could have HIS child.. and I'd be alone.. and truly empty..
UGHHHHH!!
This is too much to think about in one afternoon.

But I worry about this.
I am a person who worries about these things.
I suppose it's pretty early to think about it when I'm nowhere close to getting married.. but I need to have these things figured out. I'm not exactly into planning but I like to have rough ideas.
But right now, my rough ideas sucks!
Mostly because of my age.

I want to have a house.
I want my parents to live in a better house. At least if I'm not around to take care of them all the time, I want them to live in comfort.
And by the looks of the money I make now and how much I am spending.. there is NO WAY I could buy TWO freakin' houses by the time I'm thirty!
It sucks to feel old.
It sucks to be a late bloomer.
I wish I had all these figured out 5 years ago.

Sure, I could still achieve half of these if I decide to marry rich. But seriously, does that sound like me at all?
Marrying rich for the sake of getting material bliss?
I cringe at the idea!
That probably works for some girls but should I be one of those girls one day.. you should know that I am no longer me.

Anyway, next month will be a year I've joined the company. Congratulations to me for holding onto a job for a year! (Okay, I should probably save that 'til next month when I've actually worked for a year.) But still.. 11 months is the longest I've been working.
And I've been with Encem for 8 months. 8 long months considering I pretty much see him everyday. I should be tired of looking at him -- but I'm not! hahhahaha.

I've been having a strong need to shop lately. I blame the constant work I've been having to do. I tried to use some of my annual leave but my application was "rejected due to roster constraints". blah! So I need to shop. But I couldn't find anything worthy to spend on. So that sucks.
Of course I thought of finally getting a Blackberry (damn, I should stop talking about this) but I couldn't help delaying that since I'm planning to find a new place to rent that I might be needing the money for deposit.
I still couldn't find my perfect kind of wedges.
The tunic dresses and long shirts that I like are waaaayyy too expensive. (ZARA.. Promod?!) Sure I could afford them.. but seriously??
I think I prefer being ugly than stupid. Really.

Okay. I'm bored now. I'm talking to this guy sitting across me (a stranger who wanted to use the plug near the table) but I'm not having too much fun as he's been asking me about my job. ughhh!
I really gotta stop talking about my work during off days.

In pursuit of happiness.

The last time someone asked me about what I wanted to be.. all I could think about was to be HAPPY.
That person had actually asked me what I wanted to be career-wise, but I couldn't think of anything else other than the word "happy". Then she asked me; "what makes you happy?"
I believe that was the first nudge that had led me to my job now.
So now I have to ask myself.. "Am I happy?"

Pause.

I have no idea.
I suppose it's nice to have something to do everyday and not be bored by it. I actually said that when I was just a sales girl in a bookstore too. But I was only there for two months, so I guess that doesn't count. After all, I never did much work while I was there.. I even had time to flirt with the guy at the coffee place. But for two months I didn't mind spending a third of my pay on transportation alone. From my home to my workplace.. having to travel for more than an hour to get to the bookstore, I never did mind.
Could I be a closet-workaholic?
HAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!
Impossible.

I think I do enjoy my job. I was never a nine-to-five person to begin with. And travelling had taught me that I liked having little moments with strangers and this "job" opens up dozens of possibilities for me to have those little moments.
I love those possibilities.
Of having to meet different people everyday.. work with different characters..
But nothing is perfect. Let's face it. If everything is, how are we to appreciate the really beautiful things in life, right?

As for being a cabin crew.. one of the things that tires me out are the hours.
Sometimes having to work a four-sector flight for two days in a row.. ughh.. those sort of things ages you. And only a day off after such flights.. Madness.
Honestly, there isn't much to complain about the work except for the AMOUNT of it. Crazy rosters wears one out.

So in a way.. I suppose career-wise, I am now pretty happy. I'm in a good place.
I guess now it's the overall part that I need to work on. How to be truly happy of life itself. I don't think I'm quite there yet.
And I'm not sure if I know the way.

SBW with Mahera.

That's the name of my steward on this night stop.
Somehow we ended up spending pretty much the whole day together.
We were practically bored the whole time so he hangs around in my room.. giving me the 21-questions a policeman would ask you, hogging my laptop, and smoke. Of course.
He's a lot of fun though.
Pretty glad he was willing to hang around with me.. or is it the other way round? hahaha!

Anyway, there's still nothing interesting in Sibu.
Wish there WAS something to do. Perhaps we should've gone to take the boat to Mukah.. but really.. seeing the aborigines isn't exactly my thing. But who knows.. maybe next time.

I'm in a dire need of a mental change by the way.
Not particularly depressed at the time being, but I'm upset all the same.
I really.. really HAVE to start to really BE independent. I don't know.. I keep wishing for a saviour of some kind but I really should fix MYSELF first -- especially for having an idiotic idea such as that in the first place.
Ughhh.

I can't believe after all these years of fighting and after all the battles with myself.. I learn that I am SUCH a girly girl after all.
I suck.
As a person, I really do.
Anyway, I gotta learn to love myself.. that's for sure.
Because I can't keep putting myself in situations where I'll end up hating myself more. It's tiring.. depressing.. and most of all, it's making me go nuts!

And I don't wanna go nuts..
Not really..
Not even for a guy.

TPE.. is weird.

Not really weird - weird.
But I didn't expect it to be so.. small.
It's more like a town than a city.. where all the buildings are not really high and then pop! There's the Taipei 101. Weird. Like it's not supposed to be there. Pretty out of place, in my opinion.
Speaking of Taipei 101, I don't have any pictures of it. Perhaps some other time I will actually do some touristy stuff when I'm here.

Two days off once I get back.. alright!
I find myself appreciating off days more and more these days. hehe
Not that it's enough for me to actually go somewhere and have a holiday.. but it'll have to do.
REALLY looking forward to May!

I should pack away my netbook then.
Man, I wish I had more sleep!
Have a good week, everyone!

Projectile vomit from PNH.

Thankfully, it wasn't my set of crew who was on board..
But it was unfortunate for us to be the ones taking over the aircraft.
It was last Tuesday, and the flight to DPS was using the aircraft that has just gotten back from PNH.. Max was doing that flight. Poor boy, had to spend his birthday with the smell of vomit in the cabin.
I pity the cleaning lady too, who were in sweats when I came into the cabin. You know, it's times like those when you're thankful that you're not working for the other company. At least us; crews, doesn't have to deal with things that could be dealt by the cleaners on ground.
Small yay for my company.

Work has been.. extremely tiring lately.
Maybe I'm just getting old.. haha! But one too many daily flights does wear one out.. and that's just exactly what I've been doing lately -- one too many flights. ughhh!
I reckon I will be just as tired as I am right now next month.. Hopefully the money will be good, yeah?

Now, life on the other hand..
Nothing much to talk about in the area. I suppose there isn't much going on since I haven't had much of that. I don't even have the convenience of seeing my outsider friends. All the people I see these days are cabin crews. Friends, of course! Good friends even. But not old friends..
Alia asked if I wanted to come along to PD last week but I had to decline because I had to work.
I haven't seen Arep in a while either.
I can't even remember the last time I saw Ana..
Good thing Bahijah tweets. At least if I don't get to see her as much as I'd like, I still get to know what's going on with her life.
I'm not bored of my job just yet, but I am bored of talking about it..
The misfortune of hanging around crews all the time; our job is always the top most topic.. and I'm getting really weary of that. Some days I even get sick to my stomach, listening about it.. but most times it just gives me a headache.

Suppose you could say that that is the main reason why there hasn't been much update to this blog. Even when I do have internet access.. I don't really want to write about my work.
What I do for a living does not define who I really am.
Sure, it has something to do with what I like; travelling, to not be bored by mundane things as to work with the same people or go to the same office every single day.. Stability in that area is not needed for someone like me.
But that is not my LIFE.

So unfortunately.. I don't really have a life.
Nothing new is going on with me. Nina's pregnant, but again.. that is not MY life. What is my life is the sad part where Nina is pregnant and I don't even see much of my nieces these days. I wonder if Aqilah still remembers me. I wonder if Farhana still smothers her with kisses. Izzati is in standard one and all I heard were stories from Dida and my parents or Nina through the phone. It's just sad.
What's more sad is how little I bothered about these things most days. Really.. most days I could go on without having a single thought about my family.
This is not how I want to BE as a human being.
I wish I am more caring.. but I don't know why or how I got to be this.. detached.

Someone said to me that Sagittarians are hard to please. I don't know about the general Sags, but as for me it is true.. I don't know why is that. Perhaps I'm just looking for perfection.. or something close to it.
But what is perfect? I don't even know..
But I know what isn't perfect. And this thing that I have right now.. it's exactly just that.

I only recently saw Sex And The City The Movie.. Feels like I relate most to Samantha.. the bit where she said she loves herself more.. bah!
I'm horrible. I don't even like myself that much..
So I'm absolutely confused.. and imperfect.

If I could quit love..

sigh.
Would life be simpler?
Perhaps.. in some way or another.

Why do human beings have to be co-dependent anyway?

bah!
I am in an all round bad mood.
Lack of sleep.. period.. and stupid flights does that to me.
So never mind me and my crappy rants.
They are just that.. rants.

Hope you'll have a good weekend..
Hope that heart aches and heart breaks never come your way.
And that all your confusions dissolves..

Dear Universe, I lose again..

I have lost the ability to speak. Not a word pass through my lips but my tears can't seem to stop pouring.

What can you say, honestly?
I am stuck in the middle of what's right and what I need.
I shouldn't be this selfish but I really can't imagine carrying on feeling worse off than I am now.

I am not fine. And I will never be fine as I don't even know how to be fine anymore, so stop asking.
Stop caring too.
Just stop before it hurts even worse.

I wish it wasn't so..

I feel wretched.
By myself.
Ever feel that way? A pure wretchedness, total disgust of whom you have become.

To have wanted something else; a whole different idea, an expectation, even.. That you are better than this.
But you are not.
I - am NOT.

I don't know what else to say. I am greatly disappointed and at the same time I am sad. There is no such thing as a win-win situation in my book but there is definitely a lose-lose situation..

Still with flu.

Using the wifi in Opah, Bukit Jalil.
Dinner with Encem, Bestie, Luqqy, Finaz and Ajan.

Can you sense that I have nothing much to update?
Anyway, I'm still suffering with flu.
The pressure was so great earlier during flight, I swear something inside my head 'popped'.. I kinda expect myself to fall right there in the cabin -- but I didn't, THANK GOD!
The idea of actually falling on the floor of that cabin.. eww!

So.. my battery's dying..
'Til next time then!

Work gave me flu!

rawr!
I am in BKI now and having absolutely NO IDEA how to make my flu go away! It's annoying, I tell you. Of all the days to start getting sick, the flu chose THIS day! The first of my four days straight of work.
While I'm night-stopping, even!
So I'm coming home tomorrow (when there's no one to take care of me 'coz Encem will be in TPE) and then I have a layover in Kuantan.
Seriously.
Stupid roster gave me stupid flu.
Feels like all I ever do these days is get sick. And I really do blame my crazy roster. Testing my immune system again and again.
So hopefully I won't be too sick to work three sectors tomorrow. I know I'm going to head to bed early tonight and I'm counting on the flu meds to make that happen. haha!

I am starting to feel the lack-of-life since I've started to become a cabin crew. Crazy rosters.. and days off spent inside for a much needed rest. When I actually do gamble and go out, I end up getting sick..
Seriously.. my body needs to toughen up!
Especially since I am more likely to gamble with my rest hours -- which ended up getting me sick. hahahhaha!

If only I had been more homey.
But if I were, I wouldn't have thought of joining the airline in the first place!

Anyway, do you know that our body can only recognize ONE pain at a time? That's what I heard from somewhere anyway.
So I'm not sure if I'm all over the alone-ness I've been feeling lately, but I know that I can't think about that right now since my runny nose is bugging me so much!

Loved ones makes you cry.

They always do.
'Cause only they know how..


B: trust me darling.. you'd be in a sea of people and still feel alone


Great. That's just.. great.
Kinda beats the point of having anyone to love at all, right?
So who wants to bet that I'd feel excruciatingly alone this Valentine's?

Take my mind off.

I've been a bit troubled lately.
One that is really best described as "it's not you, it's me.."
Because really, there is noone else to be blamed but me. Even then I can't apologize to myself because I have no way of fixing my general makeup flaws.

Bestie's been asking me if I'm alright and I told him that I was fine.
How are you supposed to answer that question anyway?
If being honest requires you to explain something unfathomable to your own mind..

So I'm condemned for life.
What ever I did in my past life has made God punish me with a restless soul.

And my sister thought that I should look for someone older to take care of me.
Which made me sad.
Sure, we have that unspoken agreement that we can say anything honestly.. but that doesn't stop me from having unwanted feelings from her words.
But that's just the way she feels apparently -- that I need somebody mature to keep my feelings in check.
Sad.

So lets say that I actually end up with someone mature who keeps my feelings in check constantly yet I still find myself empty, lonely and ultimately cannot be saved. What then?
Proves the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life?
Sure I've considered that happening but do I want proof? Truth is fine, but there are some things that I'd rather not know.
It's just sad.
I'm sad.

I'm restless and I can't help but wonder if there's a pill that I can take to make it go away.
Shit. My head's a mess.
And I'm getting really really tired..

Still tired.

Still moody.
Hence the lack of concern to how I am treating myself.
My last proper night's sleep was.. Thursday night..?
Crap. And I have an early pick up tomorrow.
I did doze off a little here and there throughout today.. but of course, that's not a "proper night's sleep".
Honestly I won't be shocked if I'm spending the coming three days off with a flu or fever. ughhh. No no.. Power of positive thinking!
I will NOT be down with a fever.. no no..

hahahhahahahahha!
I crack myself up with the idea of positive thinking. hahahahha
err.. I should take myself a wee bit seriously sometimes.
Although I can only pretend right now.
I honestly.. really.. couldn't care less about myself at this very moment. Surprise surprise..

Let's just say that I'm in my dark place again.
Although.. I am in my dark place most of the time, so there's nothing new there.
Nothing at all.

Currently listening to:
Need You Now by Lady Antebellum

SBW makes me nervous..

I'm tired..
I guess lack of sleep will do that to you.
My pick-up was at 5:50 yesterday and my wake-up call later will be at 4:45.. so.. sigh. I was sleeping earlier but DD called, saying that he was with his cousin and that he just met up with one of his good friend, Abang Hensem.
ughhh. Wish I had the days off so I could've gone with him to Kuantan.
Although.. he went there to visit his mom.. and I've never been great with moms. sigh.

I think I'm just jealous.. I hate the idea of him having fun while I'm miserable. hahahha! Talk about being malicious.
One thing I'm absolutely great at.. totally natural at it.

Anyway, did anyone ever notice that every Thaipusam, the news reporter will only ask how the tourists feel about the celebration? And every year, the answers will be exactly the same things. Why bother, honestly?
And why would their thoughts matter really? It's the thoughts of the people who are actually IN it that matters.

Look at me, talking as if I actually cared.
I don't really.
Just trying to distract myself from crazy thoughts..

Heart cracks.

What am I to you?
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea, vast as you can be
And deeper shade of blue

When you're feeling alone
To whom else do you go?
See I cry if you hurt, I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

If my sky should fall
Would you even call?


(Norah Jones, What Am I To You)