BDO Millionaire

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S06E21

Dark and twisty again.
But maybe a little less compared to while I was PMSing. But still.. the way that I'd felt.. and still feel really, it's Season 6.. Episode 21.

I don't want to be afraid of what I can or cannot say.
And I don't want him to feel that way either.
But he doesn't seem to get it!
Seriously.
How can you imagine your life.. living with someone whom you're afraid to talk to for the rest of your life? Is that the person who he wants to marry??
Someone whom he can't bring himself to talk to for fear of hurting their feelings??
Am I such an unreasonable person to be frustrated with this?

I am.. inevitably miserable in this relationship.
But my life without him would suck just as bad without him around.
I don't know how I can win in this. We're like doing this crazy little dance that's only wearing us out. Or maybe we are bullfighting.. where he is the matador, and I am the bull who will eventually die in his hands.

He doesn't seem to get that.
He can't see what he's doing to me.
He won't see it.
And I don't know what else I can say to him.
I'm tired of talking. I've said too much.. while he doesn't say anything back.
I've been talking to a wall.
All day.. all night..

He tells me that I think too much. That I made myself the way that I am.
But the truth is.. this non-talking crap is only making me build a thicker wall around myself.
I am stranded.
And unsurprisingly, there is no one who will save me.

I have no one to talk to..
My best friend thinks that I'm too clingy.
My sister thinks that I should find another.
And I can't trust my own judgment 'coz honestly, all I want to do is die rather than feel my own heart ache.

My heart aches. Every single damn day.
Every freakin' second I look at him.
All we keep doing is avoiding. Well, he does that actually. I'm the bull that keeps charging. He avoids.. then pierces me with the sharp poles.

All the more reasons to make me think that I am not the one for him.
Obviously.
He won't talk to me.
So I don't know what we're doing anymore.
Waiting for either one of us to change perhaps.
But I think I'll bleed to death before that ever happens.

I don't expect love to be easy.
But I don't expect that I'd cry this much either..

Sedih hati aku memang kau tak pernah tahu

Let's pretend that this is just my hormones talking...

Sometimes it feels as if you're just a friend for fun, but never the friend in need.
Then I'd try my best to stop thinking that way because that only amplified my neediness. But is it so wrong to need you?

Maybe it is.
So can someone please teach me how to not need another person?


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Loneliness isn't funny.

So Encem said it..
It had seemed that I've become more needy the longer we are together..
I have a theory for that. Though I'm not sure if I want to blog about it..

Then a few days later, I made a comment about something and Bestie asked if I was PMSing.
Not exactly the theory I had in mind but I suppose that works too. Everything in life basically sucks even worse when I'm PMSing. Bloody hormones.

It irks me to think that I've never been 'homesick' even the slightest before this.
I've changed. I don't think that it has changed in a good way.

Sigh.
As Bestie had said it while we are driving along Shah Alam.. I need to stop being so clingy.
And he's right.


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Lazy Saturday.

I had a pretty okay week.
Monday and Tuesday off, and the rest three days of the weekdays were spent at the training school in Kelana Jaya.
So happens my licence were expiring next month so 'they' rostered me to renew it a month early.

I had the Crew Resource Management recurrent with Encem and Luqqy so it was just fine. A bit annoying actually.. What with Encem and his 'professionalism'. I don't think I like that one bit but I suppose I'll just flow with it for as long as I can take it. Perhaps one day he'll see me being totally unprofessional with other stewards and then he gets it.
I mean, seriously.. He could come off as cold sometimes! Professionalism, my ass!

Anyway, the CRM class was draggy but the captains who attended that session were a hoot! So fortunately, there were some parts where I was happily entertained -- the other parts just made me sleepy.

My Safety recurrent on Thursday and Friday were pretty much uneventful. But I loved spending my mornings and evenings with Bestie! Been a while since we last hung out so it was really nice. I'm glad that his conversion class is basically over so I'll get to see him more often again.
Oh and by the way, I passed my exam so I'm free to fly for another year!

And now it's Saturday -- a lazy Saturday since I'm staying home with no plans of going out what so ever. Encem left for a four-days trip and tomorrow I'll be flying to Kaohsiung. So I should rest. I like KHH.. I just wish that the flight wouldn't be sooo long.
Anyway, I hope there'll be someone who would want to go out with me and shop a little. heehee

'Til next time then, take care everyone!


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Must - not - cheat.

Not cheat per se..
Perhaps it would sound better to say that I musn't run.
'Cause that's what I do.
And in all 'fairness' I'd do something equally distracting but not quite to the same magnitude.

I'm tired..
Tired of being so angry all the time.
Tired of talking to walls.
Am I the only person on Earth who FEELS?? gahh!!

Somebody please rip my heart out.
I'll just shut down now.

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The Only Exception.

I have a request.
It isn't hard...

Could someone please let the fact that every little stupid thing I do are mostly for Encem into that thick head of his??
Alif? HELP!!

Imagine my frustration when I was trying my best to sing him that Paramore's song while playing the guitar.. And he decided to 'join' me by playing the drums on his computer!!
The asshole.

Trying to be romantic and sweet is futile with a child. I wonder why I even bothered.
It's like.. He deliberately refused to listen to what my heart is saying. With all the racket from that stupid drum beats.
Stupid!

And I can't talk to stupid right now.
Stupid, silly child.
I've really had enough of tears this week, please.

I'm feeling like that tiny satellite that's drifting away into the universe..


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Hey you..

***
"What is it? My dear?"
"Ah, how can we bear it?"
"Bear what?"
"This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?"
"We can be quiet together, and pretend -- since it is only the beginning -- that we have all the time in the world."
"And every day we shall have less. And then none."
"Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?"
"No. This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere."
***
-- A. S. Byatt, Possession

And so I thought of you...

Encem bought me The Time Traveller's Wife.. Why? I'm not sure. I can't help but guess that it was out of guilt. He probably felt bad for the way I've been feeling recently so he decided to get me something, and knowing me.. A book would be perfect.
And being almost-perfect, he got me THAT book.

I'm loving the read so far.
But I keep relating Encem to Henry when they are not exactly alike.. Not genetically anyway.
I can't be quite sure whether they are really similar or I'm just hoping that Encem loves me as much as Henry loves Clare..

I do hope that his world revolves around me but the truth is he's the world and I'm the tiny satellite that floats around him.

Which is probably the biggest reason why it's so easy for me to get upset by him. As my feelings for him are intense, any little-wrong thing he does intensifies. It's a win-lose situation really..
The hazards of being in love with someone who knows not of moderation or middle grounds. He has to put up with my 'nothing or everything' crap every single day.

Though everytime somebody plants a seed of suspicion towards him I'd respond with nonchalant, saying that I would have no trouble leaving.. I know that I would leave feeling devastated.

So what's the point of this entry?
I don't know... Maybe to tell you that I'm very much still in a relationship. (Hafiz! LOL) Maybe to tell you that I'm still all clouds even when in love. Maybe to tell Encem that I'm a sucker for his love. That no matter who I'm having lunch or dinner with, it's still him that I think about. Or maybe the damn novel is simply turning me into a bigger mush than I already am.

What ever the real point is, I can't help myself from thinking about Henry and Clare...

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Fucking frustrated!

God I hope I won't always feel this way.
I am so tired of feeling tired, it'd be the death of me.

I can't keep reaching out into nothingness. I can't keep having my heart stabbed again and again.
I can't keep expecting you to come by and save me.
I just can't keep waiting.

And I can't seem to talk to you, which is the hardest and most painful thing about this part.
I can't talk to you 'cause I simply don't know how. And it hurts me so to have a bunch of things to tell you but not being able to convey what I really mean.

I'm tired.. And I'm sad..
But you don't seem to get it.
So I give up.
I give up trying when I don't see you even trying to give a damn.
So I give up.
I'm giving up on writing too.
Nothing personal from now on because I am just too freakin' tired making a fool of myself..

Your ignorance is your bliss alone and how lucky you are to not see the hell that I'm living in.


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Me and my heart

..we got issues.

Sometimes I don't think I know what I want.
You know that quote; the person who makes you cry is also the person who makes you smile..

Yeah.. Fuck the asshole that made me smile in the first place. I should be left to myself being numb.
If the person is going to make you cry anyway, why bother making you smile really?
It's annoying.

mmph.. You should know that I only meant those half-heartedly. I'm annoyed. I don't know.. Seems like it's all I am these days.

Q: How would you describe Wanie?
A: Annoyed.

Of course 'the person' is only capable to make you cry because he/she meant something in your life.. a somebody. Hence the reason the person would know what would make you smile.. yack yack yack

I suppose you could expect a more frequent blog update from now on.. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad one.

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Blogging mobile.

Just testing this out :)

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I am sad..

Got called up to Miri at 3:11 am yesterday..
I was happy to see that Puyen was one of the crews in the set.
Even when the leading gave my working position as a "galley steward", I was fine knowing that my sifu was there. Fine and calm.
A bit excited even!
Honestly, this set of crews are one crazy bunch.
Loads of fun.


But now that they've all gone to their room and their beds.. I can't help feeling sad over the fact that here I am.. by myself.. sleepless.

Yeah, I'm lonely.. and feeling mighty insignificant to the person who is significant to me.
Not that he's done anything wrong, I know that.
But I can't keep feeling this way sometimes.
I know that I ask a lot sometimes. But I really just can't help it.

I wish I could help it.

Marriage.

Honestly I can't talk about the subject without making a face.
When I'm with my dad, I'd get all excited and cheeky just to tease him.
When I'm with boyfriend.. total disgust. Okay, not every single time I did that. Maybe seven out of ten. hehe

Suppose I still feel so.. small, to actually care for someone. Of course, when I say "small" I wasn't referring to my size but my emotional capacity to care for anyone else but myself.
ughh.. I keep having mixed feelings about the idea of committing. Perhaps it's just how I was made. I love the idea of marriage as I love to romanticize things, but to be actually in it is a whole different thing.
If it were up to me, couplehood, here we goooo! bahahhahaha!!

What if I realized somewhere along the years that I made a mistake?
What if HE realizes that he'd made a mistake??
What if I was blissfully unaware of his indifference towards "us" until the day that he decides to call it quits?
gah! I'm scaring myself again.

But my point is.. I don't like to settle (and refuse to) and I wouldn't want my partner to settle with me either if he knows it in his guts that somewhere out there.. the perfect person for him is sitting in a park.. waiting for him to walk by.

The idea is just.. sad.
I don't want either of us to be too quick to jump into conclusion and settle.. then ended up being too late to pursue our true soulmate.
blah.
I blame boyfriend for telling me the story of a girl he waited for before we knew each other. I guess even after 9 months, I can't quite shake off from wondering; "what if?"
What if one day they bumped into each other in a supermarket?
What if she got on a plane while he was working?
Does she ever cross his mind?

Yeah.. well.. I'm hormonal. I have an excuse for making a fool of myself.
ughh.. I need to get to Bukit Jalil soon so I can have Encem distract me from saddening thoughts. blah.

Being "high maintenance".

Remember TJ and his odd theories on girls?
Well, it's becoming less and less odd.

Suppose I could put myself in the third category.
I've been having posting crazy tweets recently and it's all thanks to Encem, really. I've been so crazy that I'd accidentally sent a crazily emotional text that was meant for him to my brother in law instead. Stupid silly phone.
I've been crazy. Fullstop.

Should've known that I was PMSing.
I get crazily depressed when I'm pre-menstruating.
Of course I don't *just* blame myself since he *did* stroke a nerve at some point but I get the blame for being all dramatic and taking things too hard.
sigh.
I wish I could say that I am a low maintenance gal, but that would be a lie.
I need my guy to spend as much time that he can with me. I am that needy.

I'm down with a flu.
Not a great thing to get when you're rostered for standby from 3am to 11am. That's the busiest standby slot, really. Lots of flights going out in the morning. I took my second MC yesterday.
Two MCs in the course of one whole year with the company. *pats back*
I am proud of myself. A little saddened by the MCs to be honest, but still proud. I've been committed to work-life for a whole year.
Been friends with my current friends for a whole year. And they've been good to me.
I am thankful for all these blessings. Yes, I do consider them as blessings even as I whine about them.
I've been lucky.

Plus, I have an amazing support system that comes in the form of my family. My sisters especially. Though they speak the ugly truths sometimes but most times, it's what I need.
Can't keep having my head floating in the clouds with my eyes on the stars.
They really do hold my feet firm on the ground.
And, Dida got me my Blackberry. hahahhaha! Well, she didn't buy it for me per se as I promised to fully pay her back in time. But thanks to her, I have no crazy "wants" at the moment. No distractions.

Anyway, I should take my meds and head to sleep. I need this runny nose to go away before tomorrow night.
So goodnight, dear readers.

5 Things..

1. turning senile
2. feeling unaccomplished
3. to be truly alone
4. to be lied to/cheated
5. being pregnant when I am not prepared

The five things that I am most scared of at this moment.
To be honest, number FOUR is the one thing that I am most scared of at this very moment.
I am.. so damn scared of this for some reason.

I suppose I've been having some crazy thoughts lately. There is no reason for it, really. It's just crazy thoughts.
I guess I've been reminding myself to not count the chicks before the eggs hatch.
I've been.. comfortable, if I may say so myself.
Too comfortable that it got me nervous.
You can't teach old dogs new tricks.
And I have spend all my life having my guard up all the time. So I am scared now.

Scared shitless.

Alright, I don't really want to talk about this. Really.. I don't really know what to talk about it. It's no fun to be scared by a possibility.
Stupid.

Anyway, you know what's one more thing I'm scared of lately?
The aircraft just about to land. Few weeks ago I experienced a pretty bad landing, where it bumped real bad.. I guess it's giving me some kind of a trauma. It didn't exactly hurt or anything like that.. My entire life didn't flash by in a matter of seconds..
But I was shocked. Just wasn't expecting that bad bump. Hated it. I really hated it.
I hate not being prepared.

Harroo!

It's been a while.
So here's what's been happening since I last blogged;

Dida, Awif, Encem and I went to the Formula 1 Grand Prix in Sepang..
Where Schumy waved at us when he had to retire from the race because something went wrong with his car.


I've been to Medan (just the airport, of course!) where the catering people there sells food items like their local fruit, peanuts, kek lapis, nasi padang, guava.. I ended up spending RM40 there. RM40 during a transit time that was less than an hour!! Really.. that was one heavy spending.
Other airports I've been to were Penang, Alor Setar, Langkawi, Kuching, Miri and Terengganu.
Yes, I'm a frequent traveller. *cringes*

My body has been aching for a good long rest.
Today is another ONE off day. Then I have another four straight days of work.. aaand.. THREE DAYS OFF! God knows how much I've been looking forward to that day. I promised myself that I would sleep for as long as I can manage. heehee.

The one you want.

A cat is a cat is a cat.

I have this belief that when you want something, you will go and get it.
Doesn't matter what you have to go through to get it; when there is a will, there is a way.
But that's exactly what it comes down to.
Your will.
Nak tak nak je.

Even if there is fate, YOU are always the one who controls your steps; the paths you lead.

So.
I'm just saying.. if you want something, you'll do everything that you possibly can to have it. But I am not seeing it.
So I am getting a little worked up over it and beginning to feel sad.

I don't ask for a detailed plan here, babe. I just need a rough idea.
Let me in on that rough idea please.

I want what I want what I want.

Tired.

There comes a time when you can do nothing else but sit down and feel sad from tiredness.
Tired from work.
Tired from emotional stress for just having the same old arguments.. yet again.
Tired from not sleeping in your own bed for the past three nights.. (Not counting tonight as I am still in BKI.)

I am having one of the best times on this trip though. I have the wackiest set crew I've ever flown with, it's just awesome -- work trip wise.


But the sectors are crazy.
I can't wait to be home.
I'm already planning for the weekends.. (waxing on Saturday and F1 on Sunday? yippee!) I need to coax my sister into joining me for that Saturday thing though.

Emotional wise though.. I am starting to feel like I am not worth the fight again.
Seems like all the boys that had ever wanted me just didn't want me enough to fight for me.
Whenever an IDEA of another guy comes into the picture, they would.. be FINE with it if the man could make me happy. It's a stupid excuse, really. They'd be upset, yes. But never upset enough to throw a tantrum or be mad with the passion to make me stay.

Just note, boys. Girls wants to feel wanted.
That's why we like the 'big gestures'. We need to know just how badly you guys wanted us. Not need us, but a big.. desperate.. WANT. (Because to 'need' means that you have no choice but to have it. To 'want' would mean that you CHOOSE something over the other. That's how I see it anyway.)

To quote Cheryl Cole; "if it's worth having, it's worth fighting for."
I am fighting for my freakin' life every single day (except for the moments when I light up a cigarette though. haha!) but benda bangang macam ni always makes me feel like NOTHING is ever worth it.
No point to life, you know.

Or perhaps I am just not bright enough to shine in your spaces..

Hello, KCH..

So we meet again.

The last time I was here (the crew room), I was shouting like a mad woman to Huda and Jeffrey about the crazy tag-team thing they had going on while playing Monopoly.
That was fun.

Anyway, today's the first day of my 5-days trip. Three nights in Kuching, the final night in Kota Kinabalu. Crazy sectors are coming up so I better not let myself stay up way past midnight.

I was reading Coelho's Like The Flowing River on the way up here and one of his little thoughts/stories caught my attention like it had been the first time I read it. (I tend to forget things..)
I should read that bit more often.
Perhaps I'll share it with you in my next post. (Maybe tomorrow.. just maybe.)

Boyfriend is in CGK and naturally, no text.
I'd love nothing more than to text him first had he been the kind of person who would actually reply them, but he's not. Not when I expect him to anyway, so I choose not to text him at all -- until he does.

Sometimes I feel like I'm having a conditional love.
I've set rules of things not to do with him.
I don't feel that it's right but it's self-preservation, really.
I'm simply trying not to feel like I'm having an unrequited love instead.
I know.. I get too sensitive and emotional sometimes. But that's just how I feel.
To love a person so much that you don't know how to love them any less.
I don't want to get burned when my heart is as full.

Not that I forget or didn't notice the little things he does for me; supper way past midnight, tending to me when I'm feeling under the weather..
Those were never "little" to me, really.
But you know how we, human, gets. Despite the ability to observe and absorb everything, we only see what we want to see.
And while we are apart from each other.. My brain can't focus on anything else than;
NO TEXT!

So yesterday I had a rendezvous with Ablen and Ana. Bahijah and Dar were a no-show. I don't know how I feel about that but I'm not going to bother myself with that.. for now. heh.
But seeing my old friends again was nice. We agreed that the last time we all hung out were about two years ago. TWO freakin' YEARS!! Took us a while to warm up to each other though, which I thought was funny. A tad awkward and you just don't know what exactly to say to the other two persons.
Kinda like a first date!
Anyway, it turned out alright and I had a good time.
It was good seeing you both, Ablen and Ana! ♥ Yet another all-Sags day out, yeah?

Alright. Lets hope that I'll have a nice work-trip, yeah?
One without excessive spending, hopefully.
I keep having these urges to spend, spend and spend and I can't help wondering if my subconscious is actually trying to tell me something, rather than some typical excuse that I tell myself to make myself feel better about spending. hahahhaha!

Have a good week, dear readers!
I'll be back in town come Friday.

Secrets secrets..

..are no fun
Secrets secrets hurt someone..

Yeah.
So.
I've been feeling lousy lately mostly because of that. Not that somebody has been keeping secrets from me, but I was the one whose been keeping a secret from someone.
You see, I don't like lying. I don't like acting like nothing happened. Suppose I could, but pretending to be fine when I'm not.. to a loved one, doesn't seem like how I want to spend my life.
After all, you're supposed to be able to be yourself with the people whom you love and claims to love you. So what if I've been acting like a lunatic! YOU'RE the one who wants to be with me, so suck it! heehee.
So after four miserable days.. I am finally feeling like myself. More like myself, anyway. Can't help feeling like I still have my guard up somehow.

I have no idea what's up with "love".
Or maybe it's just me. My expectations of love, perhaps.

Anyway, I should be heading home soon.
Currently I am in Starbucks KLCC.. just did my social duty as a money-earner by shopping semi-unnecessarily. Yeah. Try and make sense of that.
I should be saving up as I am planning to move out from my current apartment. Just a few things that I am no longer keen about the place. Bestie said he'd join me while Boyfriend is going to stay with his mom.

I don't know what's going to happen in the future. Everytime I think about it, I get my guard up so high that I might as well build a wall. I just hate the idea of being apart. He said that we'll be fine, but he is SUCH a positive thinker I could just smack him in the head and he'd probably think that it was out of love.

Okay. My battery's dying so I better hit the publish button now.
'Til next time.