I demand recuperation!

Being in recovery from a high fever made me realize two things;
1. When "I" say that it's a high fever, it really means high-temperature and not just me being dramatic. People actually do get worried when I have a temperature as I would shiver in a room where everyone else would start to sweat, and;
2. I've been working too hard.

HAHHAHAHHAHA!!!
Well, I don't know about the second part but it really does feel like it. I mean, being in the line of job that I'm in, having the amount of off-days that I get.. I should be able to take several getaways, but I haven't!

I am a nature's person and yet, the last time I was lazing at a beach was a year ago! And the last time I had a proper picnic was in 2007!! Seriously...

So this is what I'm thinking of.. As I am lazing in this chair out in the balcony of my hotel room in Miri.. Looking out to the ocean.. With the trees dancing to the sound of the waves while the sun is setting.

I've missed a lot on LIFE. And God, I really missed it.
Sure, not everyone has got the chance to see the stars at their eye level, or the pretty lights of a city from a bird's point of view.. But I only got to see those from the constraints of a tiny window.
I've missed seeing the big picture. I've missed the pure white clouds over the bluest of skies. The breathtaking sounds of the ocean that simply makes you want to do.. Nothing -- but to just sit there quietly.. Listening...


I miss everything.
And I need to have those back in my life.

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A symptom..?

I am having a fever-cough combo here.
I was flipping my medical book yesterday and noticed that ever since I started working, I make an appointment with the doctor almost every three months. (An exception to my previous visit which was a month early.)

I haven't got around to see the doctor this time though. I HATE clinics and hospitals. So.. I'm trying to delay this. Hoping that I'll feel better before I need to see a doctor and in the same time break the 'curse' of getting sick every three months. Kinda.

Also, I'm feeling miserable since Encem is away on a four-days trip, so no one is around to look after me.
I'm sad..
No amount of phonecalls can make me feel better.

I need to renew my passport by the 28th of next month and I couldn't find any passport-sized photos lying around. I refuse to take a new picture while I'm sick!! ughhhh!!
I know this is a bit too much of complaining in one morning. I swear I wasn't trying to be annoying..

Anyway, back to being sick. Is there some kind of a disease where the person would get a fever every three months?
I told you that I was hypochondriacal; so the thought didn't fail to cross my mind.
I know that I didn't create the fever from my mind.. Nothing emotional happened every three months.. So I fear that it could be an underlying sickness that shows the symptoms through a fever every three months!

Hahahahaha!
I swear my thoughts are even more ridiculous when I am sick.

Oh well.. I should try and get more sleep...

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Wa-heyy!

Because we live in a such digital-age..
Thank you Dida for setting this up because I'm simply not as IT-savvy as she is.

I'm bored.
Today is my one day off and I don't feel like going anywhere -- mostly because I am waiting for my package from UPS. (A thought.. I wonder if he'll be wearing the uniform. hmm..)

So anyway..
The UPS guy came!! I have my new toy in my hands now! Yeeehaa!


Oh this reminds me how I used to have a thing called SAVINGS! bahahahhaha!!
Despite living in a digital age, I still adore old-fashioned photography. Which is why I shall use my next pay to get my Nikon SLR cleaned.
I've always wanted an instant camera. I used to wish that I'd find the film for Mama's old Polaroid that we never got around to use, but anyway.. Now I have my own Instax! It's not at all handy but I'm LOVING it!!

So this makes my list of "The Things I Want" a little shorter. Took me YEAAAARRRSS to struck this one out. (As you could see for yourself, I've been editing my pics on Photoshop so it'd look like it's from an instant camera since February 2008!! hahahha!)
I wish Encem had the day off too so we could walk around and play with the camera. sigh.. Next time I guess. Bestie should come along too!

Oh I'm peckish.
Think I'll go down to 7-Eleven and get something. *giggle*

That suicidal feeling..

Or perhaps the intense regret.
The deep, deep desire to turn back the time and forget my need say what I 'needed' to say when what I needed the most is to learn to keep things bottled in.

What was I trying to achieve by saying what ever it was that crossed my mind anyway?
Funny how I knew what would happen, ignored it, and felt surprised when it turned out exactly how I'd thought it would.

I swear, sometimes I am just plain stupid.

I am in a dark place now.
So just leave me alone.

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I am trying..

Sometimes I caught myself thinking about other guys.. And wonder.
Isn't that... Wrong?

Sure, I can't expect anyone to be perfect when I am nowhere close to perfection myself.
But..

I am sad..
I am always sad around this time of the month.
Time and time again I've reminded my guy to love me more when I am feeling sad, but I suppose that may be a little too much of a thing to do.

I feel like disappearing.
To go away without a word and never come back. If there had been a door to a different dimension, I would've gone there. Who would miss me, it wouldn't matter.

Life is good.. The things or people who hadn't been good do not matter to me.
But around these times, I keep feeling nothing but sad.
Intensely sad.

And I'm thinking about another guy..
Wondering if I'd feel just as sad had I been with him..

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Anniversaire Heureux..

Did you know that it's been one year?

It's been one year that I've been flying..
Congratulations Batch 09/09 for sticking around! It's amusing to think about the first day in training.. The Cherating trip where we studied for our safety exam because we rocked like that.
So anyway.. It's been a year! *pats self on the back*

Also.. Today marks a year that I've been with Encem. (He picked the date, anyway.) I must say that we fight a lot -- to the point where we decided not to go to Midvalley together because we always end up fighting when we go there. But I'm glad to say that after one year, we still have the hots for each other..

I had completely forgotten about this blog's anniversary last month! Eight friggin' years!! I swear it's the longest relationship I've ever had..
I know that just shows how demented I really am.
Oh well..

So anyway.. It's been a year. It's been sweet, it's been great.
I am feeling nothing less than mushy right now but I don't think this is the best place to express all the ooey-gooey things that I'd want Encem to know; since he rarely ever reads this blog. So..

It's been a year.
Just letting you know.

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#crewlife

As much as I believe it in my guts that I am 'meant' for this kind of 'work'... I do get lonely sometimes.

Last night I fell asleep halfway through the Nederland and Espana World Cup Finals.. Because it was too quiet here in my hotel room.
In Jakarta.
I wish I was with with my friends.
I wish that I was with Encem.
I didn't feel like socializing with my crew.. ughh!

I woke up at 6 this morning.
Hardly three hours of sleep. And I had wanted nothing else but to talk to my guy but that isn't really smart - financially. sigh.

So I get homesick. Sometimes.
It's no fun.
I want to get home soon.

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About THINGS..

I just realize how having money makes you want to spend MORE.
It's terrible!!
I'm hoping not to be a shopaholic, but I'm afraid that I might turn into one.
I know I spend a lot on food, but that's just how I've been brought up honestly. When it comes to food -- it's okay to splurge! Even if that means going to Sakae Sushi three times in two weeks!
Bahahahahha!!
Okay, that is probably too much. But I can't help it! Dida and Encem had only recently 'accepted' sushi so now I can eat MORE sushi! Previously the only Japanese food they'd eat were teppanyaki and Pepper Lunch! Oh.. tempura too but that's not too exclusive to the Japanese, is it.

So anyway.. I forgive myself for wanting to have good food all the time. Even if those expensive, delicious yummies will turn into poop in the morning.. It's worth all the trouble. (Work to get the money.. Money spent on gas/transport/parking space..)

But when it comes to things.. I feel guilty spending on those. So I feel bad about wanting things.
For instance, I just ordered a Fuji Instax 210 online. Sure, I've been wanting some kind like a polaroid for yonks.. (You have no idea!) But earlier, a guy from Mooks told me that the Diana F+ can produce instant pictures as well with an add-on. But seriously, if I buy a Diana F+ without the extra lenses.. It'd be such a 'waste'.. Which made me consider getting the Diana F+ Deluxe Kit that Bestie had wanted so badly some months ago. (But I told him that it is too damn expensive comparing to the pay that we get..)
Which is true.
But!!
Damn it! Damn Bestie and his jelly lense for his Digital Harinezumi that made me want a fisheye! Rawrr!!

So..
Instax *for now* or just go for the darned Diana F+ Deluxe Kit then buy the damned Instant Back?
Gahhh!!
I hate thinking about spending money! Especially since I can't really be sure if I'll get bored of the things that I buy in one month. *Ponders about the closetful of dresses that I bought but haven't worn much due to a lack of occasions*
Sigh.

And I still want that Mukka Express.. (Still seems fun to play with!)
And I haven't even started saving on a pair of Christian Louboutin's. (Supposedly my goal for my 25th birthday..)
And I want to travel -- for holiday, and not just for work.

Oh sigh.. In a way, I'm glad to be fickle minded and have a quite logical mind. I know that I won't spend as much as I want to at the moment.. but it's good to rant about it anyway.

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UPDATE!

I am definitely NOT getting a Diana F+! yayy! Too much hassle if you ask me as it uses a 120mm film. ughhh! I've seen that crap. It's hard to work with and I bet I'll be too lazy to practice to become a pro at it.
Oh I don't know.. I just need to get my hands on an Instax soon for me to shut up, really.

Late night WK.

So a few weeks ago I bought a French-press; wanting to own one for MONTHSSSS! Not Bodum though since it's just too damn expensive for my logic.

Which then led me to want a coffee grinder. And after weeks of looking around I noticed that the only ones sold in KL are made by Krups and DeLonghi. I wanted one that was straight-forward.. nothing fancy.. Tried looking online but I was afraid of being disappointed so I settled for DeLonghi's yesterday.

The same day, I bought coffee beans from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf; Java Espresso and the Caramel Vanilla because Encem shoved the bag to my nose and it smelled so damn nice!

Then we head home.. Picturing myself making a pot of coffee.. Taking a break from rearranging things in the new apartment.. Coaxing Encem to stop cleaning and have a cuppa with me..
And Encem broke my thoughts by saying; "we don't have a kettle.. So - no coffee.."

Damn it!!
Good thing we haven't reached home then.. Alif was driving us through the traffic so we made a detour to Carrefour!

Okay, so this story has nothing to do with WK -- but I promise you, I'm getting there!

The first thing I did when I got home was make a batch of caramel vanilla coffee.. And just now Encem requested for the espresso. SO! We are now at Marvina's Corner and watching the Espanol - Portugal match!

I don't like the crowd, by the way. The 10pm-match crowd are by far better than this. Which is why I am blogging -- instead of actually watching the game. Heh.

Oh, and at the moment, Encem's outside smoking.. And making friends with the guy that works here. Typical!

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Airplanes..

I expect myself to write about my SNY flights for my next entry while I wrote my last entry..

But all I could think and feel right now is how foreign I am at the moment.
And it's raining in this land..

I came home from flight yesterday seeing that a bunch of my things are already gone.. Moved.. Room empty except for my cluttered IKEA foldable table that I use as a dressing table. Bookshelf gone.. Dresser, gone..

Suppose I should commend Encem for doing a good job moving all those things out but all I'd felt was an intense hollow.
I was sad seeing everything gone. Encem wasn't around.. Home was just four walls with a roof.
It was a cold, empty shell and I couldn't help but feel a pang in the heart.

So I changed from my uniform, and packed the knick-knacks that was left behind.. And waited for Encem to get back.
We had dinner, moved the rest of our things with two trips.. And said goodbye to Green Avenue Condominium.

Hello, Arena Green Apartments.
I shouldn't complain since all my things are here.. And there's a balcony!
I should be excited about the balcony but all I could see in my head now is how dark and empty my bedroom in GAC looked as I walked past it through the hallway..
As it had looked the first day we moved in there..

The first day..
Before everything..
Before Encem and I was Encem and I..


Sure we're still together anyway.. But no more peeking from the bedroom window at the sound of the wheels of our trolley bags on the tiles..
No more Bestie calling our names from the hallway..
No more goodbyes to our friends from that bedroom window..
So I'm sad.
This land I'm in is foreign. The noises are foreign. And Encem is flying through Manila...

I need a hug..
And also a shower since I'll be flying to Dhaka in a few hours.. or maybe I should save that until I return in the morning? Hahahahahha!

Oh well.. I'm sad. That's all I have to say, really..

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If I marry..

As it is "normal" for one to be married some day..
I would imagine it would be for the "right" reasons;

Love..

For the most of it anyway.
To procreate would be a blessing, considering one would want to procreate with the person you love. I assume that it's a natural feeling.

Monetary stability is a bonus.
I wasn't brought up to depend on my future spouse in this area. In my head, when it comes to superficial matters, it is best to be independent.

But anyway, I hate thinking about marriage from those view points. To be honest, marriage seems a bit unnecessary to me so to be "lawfully" entwined as if I actually cared about it in the first place would require an excuse that is just as illogical or cannot be explained -- like "LOVE".

So..
It upsets me when I hear someone giving a reason to why they should marry.
It should just be about love.. That you can't imagine your days without her. That you want to always come home to her. And if a stupid license/paper would stop other people from nosing about how you spend your nights, then let's have it!

And not about what you can accomplish once you're married...
That is just.. Stupid.
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8:30am - 5:30pm

May I just say.. That I am bodily and soul, weren't made for office hours!
It's a nightmare, I swear to God!
A slow and aching nightmare!
I am more than glad that I'll be finishing my conversion class next week!!

2 weeks.. 5 exams.. My brain may be too old for study-books and my body is no longer accustomed to routines; such as waking up at the same time every single morning.
How can anyone do it.. I have no idea. I became even more lazier everyday!

Next Tuesday I'll be doing my first test-flight to Manila.. Wish me luck!
Exams don't scare me as much as the actual work does. You know how some people are book-smart while some are street-smart?
I am always worried of the social part of everything! Working in this line, getting along with everyone is crucial. And on the Airbus, you'll have SIX extra people that you need to get along with! Ughhh..
Scary..

Encem worried me today by failing one of the two exams we had.. sigh.. I hate how careless he gets sometimes.

I'm sleepy....
I'd wanted to type more but I can barely keep my eyes open anymore. So.. I'll catch you guys later..

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Let's say..

Kalau ada orang cakap kau BANGANG, kau SUKA ke kalau aku asyik ingatkan kau pasal tu?? Paling hebat, aku tak ingat pun kenapa orang tu panggil kau bangang!
Which is why aku asyik tanya kau jugak la kenapa orang tu panggil kau bangang. I don't know.. To get the story straight kot. Senang sket bila aku nak cita kat orang lain yang haritu ada orang panggil kau BANGANG!
Kan?
Aku dah takde idea sangat nak cita ape, so aku kenela cakap pasal kau dipanggil bangang haritu.

Thanks.
Thank you so much for understanding me oh so perfectly you idiot jerk!
Do not apologize when you don't even know why you're sorry. It's meaningless and absolutely pointless! So save your breath. I already hate you for this.

Fuck.

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Dear Boyfriend,

I hope you're enjoying your birthday with your precious sleep. As you should know, this is YOUR day after all and I really should let you do what you want.

I am trying my best not to be all too cranky with how the day is turning out. I'd wish we could spend the day together but I should let you do what ever that makes you happy, and yes, I understand the bit where you've missed waking up at what ever time perfectly.

Oh well, I should stop being too clingy anyway.

So, Happy Birthday.
Hope you'll enjoy the rest of your 24th year as well..

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If I could have one wish..

I'd like to see life without me in existence.

Would everyone be better off?
Do I really make a difference?

Sometimes I feel like I am the anchor to the lives of the people around me; the one person that manages to hold the ships stuck to one place.

Yeah... So I'm feeling low.
I want to be taken out of the equation. Just get lost and never return..

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I should be studying.

The conversion class is going pretty smoothly. Though I've been having trouble remembering what the acronyms actually stands for. Hence the need to study -- just in case there'll be those kinds of questions. Grrr.

I think I'm PMSing.. Mostly because I've been pretty easily upset these days. I mean let's face it, I'm not the chirpiest bird around but I'm not the kind who mopes around either. (I save those times for when I'm in my bed.)

I don't really have anything much to blog about but for the sake of distracting myself from actually reading my chocolate-brown manual, you'll just have to bear with me at this moment.

I think my memory is failing me even more than usual these days. Dida theorize that it may be the effects of my exposure to constant smokes.
Errr...
I do plan on quitting. When exactly, I don't know. I figured that I am surrounded by smokers anyway, it's going to be tough so I haven't bothered trying. Hahahaha!
Although I should have a stock of Taiwan's Marl-Lite at hand; since it's so light, I managed to slow down as smoking had lost its purpose -- as if there had been one!

Anyway... It's just something to do. Some people drink, I smoke. But perhaps I should take up drinking since I don't drive anyway..
Bahahhahahahahahaha!!!

Funny how I find myself wanting to explain why I said what I said to people whom don't know me well for fear of being misjudged.
And funny how I keep telling people, and myself that I don't give a rat's ass about what they think of me.
Even funnier is why I wanted to be accepted so badly sometimes -- so I could have an easy ride through life.

But honestly, if I can't say what I want to say.. but I say it anyway, and be misjudged by the people whom don't even know whether I was being serious or simply jesting.. I really shouldn't care of their thoughts of me.
The idea of me being someone else for the sake of superficial happiness.....
Ughhh!!
I can't continue ranting about this. Simply absurd.

So sometimes I'm nutty, sometimes I'm serious.. But most of the time I am just kooky. Love me more when I'm PMSing 'cause that's when I'm easily stuck in my own world. What ever I am at the moment.. I am worthy of love.

Sometimes I fear of being branded as having an "attitude problem", but I should be able to say my mind and so do others. Their failure to say it back is THEIR attitude problem!
Hahhahhahaha! Right?
I think I'm having a surge of abstract thoughts that I'm not sure if anything I've said even relates.
Oh well.. You'll live. Click 'Next blog' if you must.

My clouds are a light shade of gray.. I am in that phase where I am creating troubles in my mind.
I don't know.. Feels like Snow Patrol lyrics right now;

Those three words are said too much, they're not enough..

So I'm needy and clingy and what ever you may call me. I deserve to be loved anyway, so suck it!

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Looong weekend.

And not necessarily a good one.

I got three days off after a three days trip with one of the silliest set of crew I've ever had. They were so much fun, we'd wished that it hadn't been just a three days trip. Sad.

Anyway, been spending this past three days in Seremban.. Getting in touch with my family in a way.
But I've always been detached anyway so you can't make me feel any less awkward.

Izzati had lost a few teeth since I last saw her.. Farhana still has that healthy yet slightly worrying appetite.. And Aqilah managed to call me "Aney", which then followed by Dida saying; "roti telur satu!"
Sigh.

I'm bored..
And it's hot over here.
I miss my dark bedroom and its smell.
The door of our (mine and Dida) bedroom here just locked itself for however reason. Sucks big time.
And to top it off, I miss Encem though I probably shouldn't. After all, I'll get to see him everyday for the next three weeks since we're going to have our conversion class together.

Ughh.. Back to MAA. I have no idea how to wake up at the same time every single morning. Not anymore anyway. My body has gotten used to non-routines!
Traffic.. Sitting the whole day.. Same food in the cafeteria.. Ick!

Okay, I shouldn't complain too much. For all I know, I could be enjoying the time I'll be having!
Although, I wish it wouldn't be as long.. I like flying! And the allowances! Hahahaha!

Worries me a bit that I'm planning to move out at the end of this month. So many things to do before the month ends! And Encem's birthday is next weekend!!! Eeeep!!
Damn Gemini.. ughhh!

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BDO Millionaire

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S06E21

Dark and twisty again.
But maybe a little less compared to while I was PMSing. But still.. the way that I'd felt.. and still feel really, it's Season 6.. Episode 21.

I don't want to be afraid of what I can or cannot say.
And I don't want him to feel that way either.
But he doesn't seem to get it!
Seriously.
How can you imagine your life.. living with someone whom you're afraid to talk to for the rest of your life? Is that the person who he wants to marry??
Someone whom he can't bring himself to talk to for fear of hurting their feelings??
Am I such an unreasonable person to be frustrated with this?

I am.. inevitably miserable in this relationship.
But my life without him would suck just as bad without him around.
I don't know how I can win in this. We're like doing this crazy little dance that's only wearing us out. Or maybe we are bullfighting.. where he is the matador, and I am the bull who will eventually die in his hands.

He doesn't seem to get that.
He can't see what he's doing to me.
He won't see it.
And I don't know what else I can say to him.
I'm tired of talking. I've said too much.. while he doesn't say anything back.
I've been talking to a wall.
All day.. all night..

He tells me that I think too much. That I made myself the way that I am.
But the truth is.. this non-talking crap is only making me build a thicker wall around myself.
I am stranded.
And unsurprisingly, there is no one who will save me.

I have no one to talk to..
My best friend thinks that I'm too clingy.
My sister thinks that I should find another.
And I can't trust my own judgment 'coz honestly, all I want to do is die rather than feel my own heart ache.

My heart aches. Every single damn day.
Every freakin' second I look at him.
All we keep doing is avoiding. Well, he does that actually. I'm the bull that keeps charging. He avoids.. then pierces me with the sharp poles.

All the more reasons to make me think that I am not the one for him.
Obviously.
He won't talk to me.
So I don't know what we're doing anymore.
Waiting for either one of us to change perhaps.
But I think I'll bleed to death before that ever happens.

I don't expect love to be easy.
But I don't expect that I'd cry this much either..

Sedih hati aku memang kau tak pernah tahu

Let's pretend that this is just my hormones talking...

Sometimes it feels as if you're just a friend for fun, but never the friend in need.
Then I'd try my best to stop thinking that way because that only amplified my neediness. But is it so wrong to need you?

Maybe it is.
So can someone please teach me how to not need another person?


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