The last straw.

"I poured my heart out into an empty coffee cup, you drank it up and left me here to drown, alone.."
Dumb Like That by Vroom.

Apalah aku nak buat nieee...

I'm in a horrible rut.
In a dire need of change. A huge need to do something that I'm contemplating to shave my head. ha-ha!
Feels like I always go to bed in a bad mood.
Severely unhappy. And hopeless. And hateful.

I deserve so much more than this.

Tekanan Perasaan.

Dah start keje "baru" dua hari..

Although dalam kepala takde laa rasa letih sangat, emosi terasa kurang stabil.

Tanda tanda keletihan yang menyusup dalam diam.

Also the fact that I'm surrounded by mangkuk hayun.

First day on the job aku dah dapat name card seorang pakcik (of course!) yang janji nak bawak aku jalan kalau aku ke Canton.

Aku pun tatau kenapa jejaka yang muda mudi tak pernah nak ajak aku berbual.

At the same time, aku tahu exactly kenapa aku layan pakcik pakcik ni..

As for this pakcik, aku respect the fact that he's 70 years old, but could easily pass as early 50's. Chinese, six-footer, travelled the world, family around the continent, still very much in love with his wife after forty years of marriage.

Dia nasihatkan aku untuk enjoy life, jangan cepat sangat settle down. Sama je macam Papa cakap kat aku dulu dulu time aku baru nak start menggatal.

Boleh tahan lama aku layan pakcik ni, bebudak lain lalu lalang dok tengook je aku. But I can't help myself when somebody shares their philosophy with me. Pakcik ni dok pegang the same cracker with cheese entah berapa lama sebab asyik sangat berbual.

Pakcik ni pesan kat aku, bila nak cari pasangan, cari somebody yang sama 70% dengan aku..

Perbedaan yang terlalu besar akan create jurang in time. As time passes, your interests may change so the percentage pun akan berubah. Kebarangkalian untuk that percentage menurun adalah lebih tinggi, so kalau turun jadi 60%.. still okaylah -- bak kata dia. Kelakar juga bila fikir yang dia masukkan unsur matematik dalam mencari pasangan, but to me it made total sense.

He's been happily married for forty years, after all.

Dia still buy presents for his wife. Flowers and chocolates, just because. And while he was saying all this, he had this look that convinced me that he was speaking the truth.

I couldn't hide my surprise so he said;

Marriage is not an institution, it's an extension of the courtship..

..and at that time mata aku start berair.

Betapa skeptical nya aku selama ni sampai a simple line buat aku tersentuh.

Memang wujud rupanya orang macam ni.

Mungkin aku tersentuh sebab aku tahu memang itu lah yang aku carik.

40 years of marriage.. And choosing to be in it, every single day.

Aku mengaku aku tak jumpa lagi. And now mata aku berair lagi, sebab aku tahu what that exactly means..

These days aku rasa macam aku slowly letting go of life. I am not the captain of my life any longer. Sama macam keje aku.

Bila orang tanya aku nak stay ke walaupun kene buat keje merepek ni, jawapan aku senantiasa "stay dulu.. for now."

I wish I had a different answer. One that is more certain. I wish I am more certain of what I really want in life. I want to choose to live every single day. But my general view of life now is just.. "whatever.."

It's probably been half a decade since I first made the wish but up to this day, I still find myself longing for "happiness".

I'm jealous of that pakcik. I'm tearing up out of jealousy. Sure, I never knew what he'd gone through to get to this part of his life. Where he talks about his family with such affection and fondness. Tapi aku nak itu, please.

I want to stop the longing.

I want to be proud of myself.

I want to stop questioning about my choices in life every other day.

I want to stop wishing for a partial amnesia.

I don't want to end up regretting this past few years in the future.

Most of all, aku tak nak lagi tetiba nangis denga lagu Enrique Iglesias.. of all people!

Aurora..

Of all the things that I read about the shooting..
One fact stuck in my mind;

The shooter's birthday was 13th December..

I pointed this out to Papa, told him to watch his back and he responded;
"..but the shooting is at a cinema..."

When I pointed that to Dida, she said;
"He's a guy.. (Sagittarius) guys are different."

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHA!!
I love my family for that.

Dead Hearts.

I'd been secretly asking for a change.
But this isn't exactly what I had in mind. People say to be careful of what you wish for -- and I know, this had never been my wish. It isn't mine, and I shall not blame myself for it.

I haven't even started my new job and I am not at all looking forward to it. All the stories I've heard, seeing Encem plopped onto the sofa the second he gets home.. Bestie feeling all low..
I don't see how I could start with a single positive thought in my mind.

I am demotivated, demoralized and definitely deteriorating.
I'm simply not in love.

Except the fact that I'm having some sort of a get-away at the moment, being in Shah Alam. Seeing Dida and the parents everyday makes me feel like the troubles at the workplace is somewhat a distant memory. This, I love. I am safe here.. for now.

I can say it, but you won't you believe me.
You say you do, but you don't deceive me.
It's hard to know they're out there,
It's hard to know that you still care.
I can say it, but you won't you believe me.
You say you do, but you don't deceive me.
Dead hearts are everywhere!
--Stars

I'm trying..

It's days like these when I find myself trying.. struggling, to cast away the spoiled brat in me.

Let's just say that I'm not having any fun.
Just as I was looking forward to this day.
I had wanted to get my hands on the bloody coffee machine but everyone else can't seem to get their hands off it!!
So yeah.. I'm a brat.
And now I'm just uninterested.

I suppose I should've expected this. I should have expected that I would be disappointed instead.
I suppose at this point I should have expected that I won't be having any fun the moment I took a step out the door.
Pffft! What was I thinking.

I know, I know.. I shouldn't be making such a big deal about this but like I said, I'm a brat..

O yeah, thank you for reading me rant. I'm just killing time until I get to go back!

Hello.

Thought for the day...

Plato said; Be kind, as everyone is fighting a harder battle than you.



So what if you're fighting a losing battle..?

Never here.

I know I've been quiet.
It's been a week filled with disappointments.
I suppose I'll take the most recent thing to write about;

My Maybank debit card's details was somehow stolen.
After a year of breezy, unproblematic shopping online.. two days ago my statement showed me an unauthorized purchase to Amazon -- a store which I had never bought anything from.
Yeah, I'm pissed.
I've talked to Maybank. But apparently I still need to make an official report -- with a form and pen.
I've emailed Amazon and I really hope that they could help me get back my money.
I tried asking the Boyfriend to help me get to the bank.. but I guess he's too busy to help out.

He's never around when I am feeling my lowest.
I guess I have that to think about.

Training hadn't been great either.
Sure, I understood whatever crap that they taught us. All the questions that I voiced out was not out of interest. I simply wanted to make my life easier in the future. I'm a total nerd that way.

Anyway. I'm sad. And angry. Just upset, really.
So I think I'll just head to bed early tonight.

Sorry if this isn't the post that you're expecting after a week of silence...
I'm just bored of being stuck.

Sleepless.

I stumbled upon an old article about Halal meats being used in McDonald's in a western country.. and how it made such a big issue.
My first thought; why the hate?
Some of the issues brought up was that slaughtering is cruel -- stunning is more humane.
There's even a comment that Muslims have middle-age notion for that.

....

Then I read a comment how the issue came down to Judaism and Christianity forbade both Jews and Christians from eating meat sacrificed to another God.
That made me chuckle a bit.
I suppose everyone has their beliefs. I happen to believe that there is ONE God... we just happen to call Him by different names.

And then there's one that believed pork could be Halal.
THAT was just too funny.
In case there's anyone who has no Muslim friends and is not at all familiar with Halal meat stumbled upon this entry, here's the four-one-one;

Muslims can eat meat -- only if they are slaughtered in the Muslim way.
Seafood is pretty much Halal; they have no necks to slaughter anyway.
Pork will never be Halal.
Of course there's a little more to it, like there are certain animals that we can't eat even if we slaughter it.. but I myself have forgotten a huge chuck of that, so I would simply decline any offers to crocodile or tiger's meat. Something about animals with fangs and claws and lives in two habitats..

Oh well, two goals for Spain so far..
I didn't watch a single game of this year's EURO.. How times have changed.

Me and my bubble.

Ah, turned out I was in a pretty foul mood after all.
I did go for my flight, but I can honestly say that I wasn't my cheery self.
Although I did get my usual amusement by those passengers; one actually held up the plastic wrapped blanket and asked me what it was.

Anyway, I finally cut my hair.
As in cut it short.
And the last time I had it short was October 2007!
..and now it's even shorter than my hair then. heehee!

I really am not in the mood for anything right now. Other than picturing myself sitting in a bubble. Soundless with an exception of my favourite Blue October songs. Floating high above everything and everyone.
But here I am glued to the ground. With those songs blasted through my earphones.

To MC or not to MC..

--that is the question..

Congratulations to me, the letter says I'm a permanent flight stewardess; but I am transferred to Golden Lounge for two years. whoopeedee-doo-daa.
Such an odd letter to receive.
I guess I'm not in such a terrible mood now. At least I'll be among friends. We'd probably flip the ground around, backward and forwards. I'm already brushing my flirting skills since I was told that we could take tips now. Bahhahahah! Niat langsung tak murni..

So my last flight; for the time being, would be tonight to Hyderabad. I'm having an on-and-off fever, and a cough that sounds like a dog's bark.
I suppose I could go and get an mc.. I'm permanent anyway! And I haven't taken one this year.. but it IS my last flight.
So.....

So..?

The impending doom.

So I received my email.
Instead of being invited to a briefing, I was just told to collect and sign my letter of secondment to Golden Lounge by the 28th.

So yes...
I am going to be a ground staff (mostly) for the coming months.
We're supposed to get a week of flying, but who knows.
I was recruited to be a cabin crew and now we're told to be something else. Training starts next month apparently.
Oh, that QR secondment.. apparently it was only open for those who have been flying for more than five years.

I feel duped.
And low.
And I don't even know whether I'll be a permanent staff/crew/whatever until I collect my letter.
Yeah, whatever...

Called up to KCH!

Bumped into, and flying even -- with Cik Amyan yang tak update update blog diaa! booo!

♥~!

Josephine?

Jocelyn? Or was it just Sophie..?
I had a quick chat with a neighbour earlier yesterday. She initiated it, naturally. Very friendly of her, we had both wanted to check our mailboxes and turned out that ours were side by side.

I always find it amusing how some people are so unassuming of others and are able to be so.. open.
Like Encem.. most times. hehe
You can throw him anywhere and you can be sure that he'll soon have a friend. And a good one.
I suppose everybody has their gifts..

It's Kina's birthday today.. Dida picked me up and we went to Putrajaya to celebrate a bit with the family. My nephew could walk now..
And Papa and I hugged as we said goodbye.
I guess we're over the cold war. Five months is a bit too much..?
HAHAHHAHHAHAHA! Paling gedik, we were actually standing a little apart and he was the one who called me over. Oh well, might as well just get over it. Five months IS too much.

I've always been good at holding a grudge.. that's the part of me that is unlike a supposed-Sagittarius. Encem never condoned to that sort of behaviour. But everyone has their pride...
I am glad that I could hug my father again.. I have been missing him lately. And everytime anyone mentioned to me about my parents, I'd always get a pang in my heart.
Yes yes.. I am a HORRIBLE child!
So I pray that my child would not inherit that bit of me..

Morale is low all around.
Bestie too would be a permanent staff in the company should he decide to sign his new contract.
I can't help but feel like there's an impending doom waiting for me in the near future.
Have I not repeat it enough how I hate being in limbo?

With a heavy heart..

I think I saw Xtina for the first time today..
Didn't know if she knows what I look like so I just smiled and semi-stared at her.
Sorry for that bebbeh. Just read your blog; hope you'll get out of your funk soon.

It's been... a heavy-heart sort of day.
Encem told me what happened at his briefing and I don't know what to make of it. The good news is that he IS a permanent staff in the company. Bad news is that I used the word "staff" instead of "crew". I have so many things to say about this matter but I don't know if I should. Not in here, maybe.
What I can say is this; I am not so much in love with the company right now.

Anyway, I'm tired.. sleep deprived and incredibly worried, like a spooked cat after you'd just jumped out from a corner while it's relaxing under the shade.

Nothing much to share, just got back from a three-days Manila and Jakarta trip. Had a cool set crew, sedap kene ceramah dek leading every single day. Ceramah agama, so I'm good with that. I love being reminded about stuff like that. Makes me feel like God hasn't forsaken me despite me being ME.
Alhamdulillah.

Anti-inspiration.

I don't like taking care of another person.
Fact.
I'd like to say that being the youngest of the family contributed to this behaviour. I have an excuse for almost everything.
I am also not the type who talks to random babies. You know how some people coos and baby-talk to any toddler that crosses their paths. I.. just don't do that.
It is seriously weird how I am in this profession.
I am not friendly, nor am I patient.
I enjoy travelling. I love to laugh. I have an obsession with the sky.
My reasons to fly are purely and absolutely selfish.

Aren't I terrible?
I know I am.
As much as I'd love to make a difference in the world.. touch someone's soul.. I don't feel like someone who is capable of that when really, honestly.. I am just selfish!
Don't you hate me?
I know I do.

I'm so full of crap.

Of jealousy.

Encem and Bestie received an email to attend a "briefing" at the academy next week.
I on the other hand did not receive any invitation to this secret meeting.
I suppose it's not really a secret.. But as I was not included in it, it does feel like a secret to me.
The main point to this -- I am not wanted in that group.

AND IT SUCKSSS!!
I hate being left out!
And apparently it's regarding our contract.. So what, I'm not good enough to be a permanent crew???
EFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!
Benci benci benci!!!
Fuck lah. Malas nak cakap dah. Somebody bang my head to the wall so I could forget about this!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did get an email about the new hairstyles though.
Apparently we can let our hair down now. It's going to feel weird if I do. I'd be excited about it if I am not thinking about that bloody briefing. Four sessions and I'm not in any of them, thank you very much!

Makes you think..
Maybe I'm not really crew material. Entah apa laa aku buat selama ni. Memain sangat kot.
Tak layak.
Time for me to act like this is nothing and it's not bothering me at all...

Went for a spa earlier. Jacuzzi, massage and a little facial. Kinda nice! The masseuse fixed the kink on my back and complimented on my skin -- waheyy! I'll be a bimbo for a while and dwell on that one sole compliment I got today!
Earlier, an elderly man offered to buy me a drink at Starbucks (which I declined because I had just bought one, and because he was STARING all the while and made me really uncomfortable,) but I couldn't take that as a compliment of any sort since Encem said he was practically hitting on every single female he saw. And yes, I saw that perverted twinkle in his eye. pffft!

After the spa, Encem and I somehow ended up in VIVA (even though we actually had Mid Valley in mind) and saw Prometheus. Throughout the film I just couldn't help thinking of its similarity to Alien.
==SPOILER ALERT!==
xx And yes, it turned out that the thoughts correlate. xx
Highlight the space between if you wish to read.

Okay, nothing else to share..
I need time to successfully deceive myself that I truly don't care about the current events. Sure, I'm happy for Encem and Bestie.. in a way. hahahahha! But this entry isn't titled "Of happiness," so yeahh...
I'm not exactly a nice person. I'm not great at faking feelings. Especially when I am writing MY blog. I'd never been a graceful loser. pffft!

So take note, I shall be in a very... very dark place for the time being.

Yack yack yack..

Kita google passenger lagiiii!
Well, kisahnye ex-PNH ada dua saja passenger. Sorang minah omputeh yang dah perabes buat muka dia to a point where she just looked OFF. The other was a guy that rupanya Malaysian.. Ye yee aku cakap English ngan dia, dia cakap Melayu ngan aku. Sebabnye? Dia kutuk passenger pompuan tu. HAHAHAHHA!

Borak borak sikit, pastu dia tanya aku ada boyfren ke. Aku cakap adaa.. then dia suggest nak jadi spare tire aku. HAHAHAHAHHA!! Aku gelakkan je.
Borak borak lagi, dia dah 50+ years old..
Adohai.. Old-man attractor lagi!

Aku nampak boarding pass for his next flight -- Kuantan, and made a comment on it.
Dia kata he's an ex-wakil rakyat in Kuantan. Aku cakap la Encem asal Kuantan. Dia tanya kat mana.. aku pon sebut sebut je la nama nama tempat yang aku penah denga Encem sebut. This passenger suruh cuba tanya Encem kalau kalau dia kenal siapakah dia since dia wakil rakyat for three terms.
HAHAHAHHAHAHHA!!
Aku sengih je part ni sebab obviously aku tak amek kesah pasal politics sangat.
Dia just cakap, "such a small world.."

So anyhoo.. using my usual technique of deflecting awkward conversations, I laughed it off when he suggested that we hang out since dia stay kat Cheras je. I don't know if that technique works for everyone, so don't try it unless you know you can pull it off. hahahha!

Balek rumah, aku pun Google lah pakcik ni.
And yes, he was a state's assemblyman in Pahang.. and seemingly is still a somebody in MCA.
AHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!

I'm sorry, this is probably wrong to say out loud but I suppose I understand how cabin crew; pramugari dan pramugara jadi "terlampau"..
It's just too damn easy!! HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!

..not that I ever plan to be one.
...not unless the relationship that I'm currently in doesn't work.
..not that I ever wish it wouldn't.
..and really, I shouldn't be saying things like this when Encem reads this blog in secret. heehee

Anyway, three days off!!
And oh, a view from my office..

Wheee off day!

Okay, let's pretend that rambut aku yang sebenar macam ni;

HAHAHHAHAHHA!!
Walhal, langsung tak kan, tapi anyway.. aku rindu berambut pendek actually, tapi sebab rambut aku macam contoh di atas, *ehem* kalo aku potong nanti everyday lah aku nak kene blow kasi bentuk elok elok..
So kalau pikap aku kul 4:30 pagi.. pukul berapa lak aku nak bangun, ye dak?

Maka aku pon sedang berangan lah kalo rambut pendek..

Rambut paling kiri adalah rambut Emily Blunt, which is pretty senonoh kalau nak buat pegi keje.. Comel gak kan? hahahha! Rambut tengah empunyanya adalah Tabatha Coffey. Macam cool je rambut pendek gitu. And yang kanan, tak lain tak bukan rambut Halle Berry! hahahahha couldn't help myself..

Lagi rambut yang sesuai untuk waktu kerja ialah rambut Monique Coleman;

Paling best pasal rambut ni, kalau pakai lipstik merah, rasanya macam takde sape patut berani kacau aku. Rupa sangat evil! hahahhahahha! Senyum pun rupa jahat.
Anyway, to make any of this short hair happen, I suppose aku patut straighten kan rambut...

ICKK!!
Rambut Gisele Bundchen jugak best! Hahahhahahha!! (Tak dapat body, pinjam rambut kejap pun jadi lah..)

Oh, sedang sedang aku dok try rambut orang lain, aku terjumpa yang ini;

AHAHHAHAHAHHA!! Naseb baiklah rambut aku tak macam ni.. Kalau tak, tak semena mena kene tekel ngan Bestie. *jelir lidah*

Okay, enough vanity. Dalam satu entry ni je ada sembilan muka aku. Nak muntah pon ada..
I should find something else to do, obviously.
Tadi aku dah email my application for QR tu. Tapi aku rasa macam ada ala ala self-sabotaging behaviour, sebab gamba yang aku attach sangatlah unattractive. hahahha!

Oh well...

Oh ye! If any of you are interested to kill time by doing a virtual makeover of yourself, you can head to TAAZ.com.

Noi-Bai and back.

Thirty-something passenger on the way up to Hanoi.
I took the chance to sit at last row and enjoy the scenery. (Well, to nap at first but I stirred when I felt the aircraft took a descent. hahaha!)
As we were approaching the airport, I noticed that we were flying above the clouds! Even higher than the rain clouds that I could see the grey parts of the sky that was on rain.
And as we flew beside it, I could see a rainbow!

To see the rainbow from ABOVE it....
Sumpah sangat cool!!!!!!!
As cool as seeing the sun and the moon at a parallel.
Sangat sangat SANGAT cool!

Anyway, that's just a picture of how packed Hanoi is. It did cross my mind to take a picture of the rainbow, but I didn't want to miss enjoying it while running to fetch my phone. I suppose that's why I never considered being a photographer. I could never get the job done.

I did however chatted a bit with an actual photographer on the flight back from Hanoi. An English fella who was using Leica..
Aaaaah.. so jealous!!

What day is it?

I have totally and completely forgotten what day it is today.
Tuesday? Wednesday?
My body is totally worn out. I'd been working from the 29th with only one friggin' day off on the 4th! And tomorrow I'll be flying to Hanoi and back. uggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Seriously.. last night I fell asleep before 10, managed to get about 7 hours of sleep and still I was tired!
This - never - happened - before!
I've obviously overworked my body.. *sad face*

I suppose I shouldn't have been too happy about my plentiful off-day last month.

Anyway, I still hadn't submitted my application form for the secondment. Bestie had sent his through both email AND the actual form. Talk about knowing what he wants..
Mumu doesn't seem like going anywhere. I still think of her as a newly-wed, anyway.
Encem on the other hand is not all interested, actually been looking around for other jobs than flying. *pensive face* I don't know how I feel about that one actually.

I guess I am going to miss bumping into him..?
Also worried that he might fall for someone whom he gets to see everyday..?
Yes, coming to three years -- I still worry about those petty possibilities even when I say that I don't care. pffft!

I am not enjoying this topic, so moving on..
I've been pining for a cat lately. I don't know.. growing up having one is making me miss playing and curling up with one. But I know I can't handle one at the moment though. Living in an apartment, with a job where I can't ensure that the cat gets food everyday.. It'd be cruel. *sad face lagi* Just imagining this cat mewing sadly makes my heart break.

Anyway, in my (failed) attempt to save up, I actually spent about RM200 on O.P.I products the other day! HAHAHAHHAHAHHA!! I truly suck. I just can't help myself..
But I have awesome nails now! hahahahhahha!

Oh and because I have nothing else to share, I think this is the most awesome, prettiest handbag in the world!!

Of course, it's Louboutin so I'll spare you the painful knowledge of how much this pretty.. super pretty.. 20th Anniversary Artemis Plumes Python Shoulder Bag costs.. sigh.